Thank you, Uther the Unmentionable, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, a new study claimed that homosexual mating between male insects only occurs because they're in such a rush to reproduce that they will attempt to mate with anything close at hand. "Aha!" said Focus on the Family President Jim Daly. "A bloody ha!" Then, he actually thought about it...
Enjoy,CGI'm Innocent, I Swear!
A Congressional oversight committee is investigating problems with the Web site set up to help people get health insurance under the Affordable Care Act.
"We want to know exactly what went wrong," said House Oversight Committee chair Darryl Issa, "so that we can replicate it across as many other government services as we can. (And, maybe, give CGI, the Canadian company that designed the Web site, a medal of honour.) There are better ways of slowing government actions to a halt than shutdowns - who needs the drama?"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2013Oct25.html]
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HINT: It's Not 1
There is a logical sequence in the set of numbers below. Can you figure out what number should come next?
SOURCE: Tis a Puzzlement!
[hsttp://www.puzzlement.org/Smallest]
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Tight End Game
The sequence of events in the Senate housing claims scandal:
Nothing wrong happened in the Senate. Okay, some Senators may have been abusing their housing claims privileges, but they will be thoroughly investigated. Mike Duffy, one of the Senators accused of abusing his housing claims privileges, has paid back the $90,000, so the investigation can go easy on him. No, nobody in the Prime Minister's Office had anything to do with Mike Duffy returning the money. And, when I say nobody in the Prime Minister's Office had anything to do with Mike Duffy, I actually mean to say that Nigel Wright, the Prime Minister's Chief of Staff, lent Duffy the $90,000. But, other than that, nobody in the Prime Minister's office had anything to do with it. Well, of course, the Prime Minister advised Duffy to pay back the money he had allegedly improperly claimed! The Prime Minister doesn't want even a whiff of impropriety on his watch! 
Okay, the Prime Minister's dog groomer, landscaper and 14 year-old housesitter knew about it. Really, it's hard to keep a secret in Ottawa! Still, the Prime Minister, control freak that he is, did not know about the payoff scheme. You gotta know where this is heading, don't you?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=783&dir=bb]
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Must Flee Comedy TV
9pm. BBC. The Two Ryans. Ryan Gosling is featured in a sketch about violence towards a drug dealer. Then, he is featured in a sketch about violence towards a psychopathic murderer. Then, Ryan Reynolds tells a lame joke about awkward costumes in superhero movies. This is hastily followed by a sketch in which Ryan Gosling beats up a drug dealing, psychopathic pimp.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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The Venezuelan government has announced the establishment of the Vice Ministry of Supreme Social Happiness. This may make it the first government in the world to officially link Vice and Happiness.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Little Green Bag Men
DIAGNOSIS: Political Scandal Participation Envy
DESCRIPTION: When a politician, seeing a colleague garnering sympathy for being at the centre of a scandal, tries to put themselves in a similar position.
EXAMPLE: Canadian Senator Mike Duffy accused the Harper Government of Canada of reneging on an agreement to allow him to keep his seat if he repaid suspect housing claims. This made it look like he was being treated unfairly; people who weren't paying too close attention may have felt some sympathy for him. Not to be outdone, Senator Patrick Brazeau claimed that the government offered him a backdoor deal to lighten his punishment for his own suspect housing claims.
Clearly, Senator Brazeau was suffering from Political Scandal Participation Envy.
SOURCE: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV)
[not available online]
Jumpin' Jack Vlad, It's A Gazprom, Gazprom, Gazprom
The Russian government has dropped charges of piracy against jailed Greenpeace activists who had been aboard a ship, the Arctic Sunrise, protesting outside a Gazprom oil rig. The activists are now being charged with hooliganism.
"Look at their long hair," said Russian Police Chief Boris McNyetski. "If that isn't enough to show their bad intent, we found several volumes of beat poetry on their boat. Even if they aren't found guilty of crimes against the state, they are clearly guilty of supporting crimes against literature!"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2013/ALLPOLITICS/10/24/reps.main/index.html]
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Heaven Forbid That A Major Metropolitan Area Should Fall Into The Sensible Transportation System Abyss!
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Write The Questions For Trivial Pursuit: National Security Edition?
The National Security Agency has been listening in on the conversations of government officials in as many as 35 nations, including many allies, for as long as ten years. What did the American security establishment learn from this?
You have to wonder what the US government thinks it could actually do with this information...
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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