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Enjoy,Harper Family Values
BOY: I keep hearing that other people's parents have bought into the Conservative anti-marijuana hype and are forbidding their children from leaving the house until they're at least thirty-five so that they don't become addicts.
GIRL: Yeah, well, I'm not surprised. Other people's parents aren't that bright. And, they seem to have blocked their own youthful indiscretions out of their memory, so they've completely forgotten what it's like to be a teenager.
BOY: There's that. sure. But, in an economy as weak as ours, with so many people living on the edge of financial ruin, people's fear and frustration can easily boil into anger.
GIRL: Right. Then, an unprincipled government can channel that anger towards relatively harmless pursuits like pot smoking.
BOY: Good thing that only happens to other people's parents.
GIRL: Hunh. Yeah.
ANNOUNCER: Actually, it's not just other people's parents. Misleading statistics that we pulled out of an advertising executive's ass clearly show that forty per cent of the twenty per cent of parents who think that eighty per cent of children are drug fiends are correct at least sixty per cent of the time. And, those parents could be your parents. Fear them. This is a paid advertisement by the Council for a Trust-free Canada.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=17538952609]
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Where Did You Get That Joke? Lascaux?
The British government has warned Scotland that it will lose the pound if it votes for independence. I don't know if threats are the best approach, here. I mean, if Scotland is serious about losing weight, it may have better luck with the Paleolithic diet.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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Notice That Nobody Is Asking The Question About Fezzes
Now that Matt Smith has been replaced by Peter Capaldi as the title character on Doctor Who, are bowties still cool? We asked two of our best time travel beat reporters what they thought about this question.
"Yes," said Adam Kerplotnik.
"No," said Lady Ashtabula.
There you have it.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/140111/geeklynews/01notwhereiwouldgoforfashionadvicebut.htm]
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I'm Sensing A Theme Here...
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Good Luck Trying To Get That Through Congress!!!
Twenty-two Sunni militants were killed outside of Baghdad when their commander accidentally detonated a belt that was packed with explosives while training them in how to be suicide bombers.
Although this will probably seem counterintuitive, it may be that the best way to deal with people fighting the Iraqi government is to arm them! If nothing else, it would certainly cut down on the (according to the Pentagon, non-existent) collateral damage from drone attacks!!
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2014Feb04.html]
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Contributing To The Ever-growing Volume Of In The Toilet Humour
Eight signs your ad agency is dying:
1. The Wall Street Journal cited it as one of the 50 ad agencies to watch in the coming year.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2014/February/Capitalism_Is_Next.asp]
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Fame Is A Von Trapp
Maria von Trapp, the last member of her family to have lived through World War II, has died at the age of 89. The sound of music in the hills died with her.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Once Again, Rush Puts His (Food) Stamp On Public Policy
Food Stamps. Harrumph. Let me - let me explain the main problem with Food Stamps: they make people dependent...on eating! Aren't the loonie lefties always going on about how there's an obesity epidemic in this country? As usual, the solution they come up with is worse than the problem: the government needs to stop making it so easy for Americans to eat! You'll see the number of obese people in the country plummet once the trough has been turned off!
Now, this, this, this is important. What happens when you're well fed? Right. You get lethargic. That's why people on Food Stamps don't bother looking for jobs - they're too contented, too lazy to get off their fat asses and do an honest day's work! Cutting these leeches off Food Stamps will motivate them to get a job!
And...and...and, it's not like they use the programme for food, anyway. NOOOOOOOO! Did you know that 54 per cent of people on Food Stamps use them to buy crack? That's cocaine, my friends. Crack cocaine. That's right - crack dealers take Food Stamps. Why? They keep the food they redeem in huge refrigerated storage lockers so that when the war with the feds comes, they'll be able to hunker down. Hunker. Down. With food the government has supplied the drug dealers with!
Am I really the only one who has a problem with this scenario?!
Now, I know what you're thinking. "But, Rush, I use Food Stamps, and I'm not an obese, lazy crack addict." Of course you're not. You listen to me, so you know right from wrong. I'm talking about those other people on Food Stamps. You know, the ones who are destroying America from within because of their selfish desire to eat? Those people must be stopped!
SOURCE: Rush Limburger Home Page
[http://www.rushlimburger.com/home/daily/site_140202/content/truth_distorter.hostile_enemy.html]
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