Thank you, Bill O'Sayles, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we started receiving tweets saying mean things about Toronto Maple Leafs goalie James Reimer's wife April. April Reimer is too old to be a Justin Beiber fan. April Reimer shouldn't be allowed to be in a kitchen because doesn't know how to cook pasta just right. April Reimer is a whore who will burn in eternal torment in hell because her husband can't keep pucks out of his net. You know, typically enlightened Internet discourse. And, we thought, It's only a month after the Olympics - is Canadian identity still defined by hockey? Because, if it is, this may explain why Canada isn't as welcome at international sleepovers and weenie roasts as it used to be!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Lapsed Catholic Corporations Can Be So Smug, Can't They?
Hobby Lobby has argued before the US Supreme Court that it should not have to be subject to rules in the Affordable Health Act that employers insure their workers because that may force the company to supply them with contraception, which is against the company's religion. Hobby Lobby claims to be a devoutly Roman Catholic corporation, although some are disputing this claim.
"I hardly ever see Hobby Lobby in church," parishioner Antimonium Pavlov complained. "It hasn't had all of its franchises baptized, and I hear from Father Mulligan that it only puts coins in the collection plate! Honestly, if that's the level of commitment it has to god, it has worse problems than the Affordable Health Act - much worse!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=40ddccd7-f6f0-4f4f-9f00-a2eb4cc6a371]
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You Can't Build A Country Without Breaking Some Yeggs
Dumpty Diplomacy
Old Mother Russia relied on a wallSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/687.html]
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On Message And Off Their Heads
A zombie outbreak has decimated the population of Russia and is threatening to spill over its borders into neighbouring countries and, perhaps, Europe.
Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird responded to the potential zombie apocalypse with the statement: "I think, if anything, it underlines the importance of moving ahead responsibly on the export of not just our oil but natural gas."
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32472602304641864689fx]
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Believers In The Humours Slow To The Party, But We Should Receive Some Of Their Bile Eventually
The Flat Earth Society of America is closely watching protests against the rebooted Cosmos TV show; if the complaint from Creationists that their views aren't represented on the series has any effect, the Earthers may be next.
"The producers of the show don't have to approve of our ideas," Earther Aretha Arbuthnotty explained. "They just have to be willing to portray the controversy."
Aetherists International also has a stake in what happens on the show. "You don't hear much about the matter that binds all other matter together these days," Archibald Cortez, Secretary Specific of AI, commented. "But, of course, there are no facts in science, only competing theories. So, it might be time to give our theory another go."
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Although the government uses the figure of a 4.2 per cent jobs vacancy rate to justify its argument that the main problem with the Canadian economy is a mismatch between available jobs and workers' skills, the official number from Statistics Canada is 1.3 per cent.
Apparently, there is a mismatch of skills in Finance Minister Jim Flaherty's office: they are really adept at using numbers cribbed from Web site Kijiji to misrepresent the problem with the labour market, but they aren't very good at actually helping workers overcome a job shortage.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Swimming Pools Don't Kill People, Bicycle Helmets Do
Republicans in Congress are opposed to the nomination of Vivek Murthy as Surgeon General because he supports the American Association of Pediatrics' recommendation that doctors begin to talk to parents about gun safety even before their baby is born and continue the conversation yearly, just as doctors talk to parents about the dangers of swimming pools and the importance of bicycle helmets.
Senator Rand Paul admitted that there was nothing about this issue in the Second Amendment to the Constitution. "But, it's implied."
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2014-03-19-were-not-murthy!_x.htm]
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"We Suggest That Everybody Just Chill Out; Our Electoral System Works."
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420cahs01.html]
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You Balance Your Books Your Way, We'll Balance Our Books Ours
British Columbia's Civil Forfeiture Office has seized and sold a 17 story Vancouver office tower for more than $43 million despite the fact that the building's owner was not charged with a crime.
"The building was right next door to a drug lab," explained police spokesman Sergeant Randy Fincham. "And, across the street...and...seven blocks over...and, okay, maybe even in a different city. But, look on the bright side: at least the provincial government won't have to raise taxes this year...much..."
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2014/03/22/509727.html]
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Alas, Balloons Aren't The Only Things Being Blown Up
Turkey defended its decision to block YouTube after a leaked recording of a meeting where top officials discussed a possible military incursion into Syria appeared on the site.
"We were actually discussing holding a birthday party for Bashar al Assad," explained Foreign Minister Ahmet Davutoglu. "Prime Minister Erdogan is addicted to birthday cake, and will use any excuse to blow up a thousand balloons!"
When asked why the video appeared to be of Turkish officials discussing military action, Davutoglu scoffed, "Well, that's YouTube, isn't it? It's like the Hitler video - somewhere, I'm sure, there are versions of the meeting that show our officials ranting about how bloated Game of Thrones has become or how hard it is to find a good blintz in downtown Ankara! Our people should be happy they can no longer see such nonsense!"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=MYF00L5WOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s110/Os/14/JD101O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s109/Os/10/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG0gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21013]
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