Thank you, Mannfreid Genug, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about Samuel Curtis Johnson III, heir to the SC Johnson billions, who was given an outrageous four month prison sentence after he confessed to repeatedly sexually assaulting his teenage stepdaughter. Four months! To a billionaire! That's like...10,000 years to a common criminal! We can only imagine what hardships Johnson must have faced in prison. Sewing uniforms without access to a manicurist! For pennies a day! Basic cable in his cell! Not having a secretary who would cover for him if he wanted to go home early and spend quality time with his stepdaughter! Okay...that one might not be such a great loss, but you get our point.
By the time we have inherited billions of dollars, we hope that the justice system stops being so punitive to those who are so important to the success of our economy!
Enjoy,And, On The Ninth Day, He Didst Create Trial Lawyers
And, on the eighth day, the Lord, your God, didst create Eden Corporation 000001. And, He lookethed upon it, and found it was good. But, it had no suppliers or customers. So, God, in His infinite wisdom, pulled some text out of Corporation 000001's Charter and created Eden Corporation 000002. And, He lookethed upon it, and found it was good.
Until Eden Corporation 000001 and Eden Corporation 000002 merged, forming Eden Corporation 000001+2. And, He lookethed upon it, and the Lord, Your God, didst frown mightily. "I created you in order to multiply, not...this," the Lord, your God didst say. And, He thence did separate, divide, part, disconnect, break up and split the Corporations. And, they gotteth the message and begat Eden Corporation 000003, Eden Corporation 000004, Eden Corporation 000005. And, they begat Eden Corporation 000006 through Eden Corporation 000027. And, corporate capitalism progressethed from there.
He lookethed upon it, and found it was good.
But, then, it came to pass that a heathen government passed a law saying "Thou shalt not discriminate against people on the basis of sexual orientation." And, the Lord, your God, frowned upon such ordinances, for yea, verily, He was the God of Love, and yet He truly hated faggots. The Lord, Your God, Creator of Corporations, was big enough to encompass such contradictions. And, so, He used his chosen vessel, the Roberts Supreme Court, to carve a religious exemption out of the law, because Corporations are a Divine creation, and we can't have mere mortal government interfering with their destinies.
And, He lookedethed upon hiring discrimination against gays, and found it was good.
SOURCE: The Bible - The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_corporate_religion/lk08_44b.html]
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Unless Fans Get Their Hands On Some Band Members' DNA...
Erdelyi Tamas, whose stage name was Tommy Ramone, died at the age of 65. He was the last living member of the punk band The Ramones. Guess that definitively ends the possibility of a reunion.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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You Think Ford's Mayorship Has Been Problematic? No Shirt!
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was confronted by a shirtless man soon after leaving rehab. Then, people starting going topless every time they wanted to ask him a difficult question. I think that's great. I think every time somebody sees Rob Ford, they should take off their shirts - like, a Pavlovian response kind of thing. Years from now, in my imaginary perfect world, anybody seeing Rob Ford walking down the street will take off their shirts and they won't even know why.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/definitely-skins-07-09-14]
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You've Come A Long Way, Baby - You Can Stop, Now
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird has criticized the United Nations for calling for a ceasefire in Israel and the Gaza Strip, saying that there must be no equivalence drawn between Israel's democratically elected government and Gaza's democratically elected government...that Canada doesn't happen to like.
"Yes, I am well aware that Israeli rockets hit a Palestinian home for the disabled," Baird stated. "But I'm not going to be swayed by such blatant Palestinian ploys for sympathy, not when Canadian votes hang in the balance." When he was questioned about this assertion, Baird insisted that he had said, "Israeli lives," not "whatever nonsense the Liberal press says I said."
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1798031597495]
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I Could Kill You, But Then I'd Have To Ki - Oh, Wait...
ASK A SECURITY EXPERT
My supervisor has been on my case for the last couple of months, and I don't know what to do about it. Apparently, it's against company policy to get drunk and take a $180,000 company limo on a joyride and crash it into a concrete barrier. Like everybody hasn't done it at one time or another in their civilian military career! So, now, she's threatening me with disciplinary action.
Is there any way I can get her off my back?
Mort I. Fye
Yo, Mort,
Here's what you do: the next time you see your supervisor, tell her: "You know, I could kill you here and now, and nobody would do anything about it because we're at war." Make sure you say it in a low, menacing tone of voice so that your supervisor is clear that you are serious about it. In addition, and this is key, make sure you say it when the two of you are alone so that, if your supervisor kicks up a fuss about it, you can deny that it ever happened.
This worked for me when I was a contractor in Iraq, and I guarantee that it will work for you!
Blackwater Manager Dan Carroll
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=48862640294648744687fx]
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