The Daily Me - Mohammed Helal

Thank you, Mohammed Helal, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered: is your name kosher?

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The Daily Me Staff

Where Is The Absurd Ironyometer When You Need To Hit Somebody Square In The Forehead With It?

"Canada is being overrun by immigrants," complained Paul Whitebread, President of Canada for Canadians! "We need sane policies that put the interests of native Canadians first!"

"Tell me about it," moaned Serpent River First Nation Chief Isadore Day.

"Who are you?" Whitebread responded. "And, why are you stepping all over my issue?"

Chief Day rolled his eyes and sighed.

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/07/23/anotionofimmigrants140723]
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From Now On, All Pop Will Be Described As...Hydrogenated...

The House of Representatives has passed a law forbidding representatives of the Department of Energy from talking about carbon. The Climate Change Climate Schmange amendment to a bill on interstate trucking regulation caught everybody by surprise, but Republicans recovered quickly enough to use their majority to pass it.

"We wanted to stop the government from talking about carbon dioxide as it relates to...to...to...ugh, climate change!" Republican Representative David McKinley, shuddered, "But, we were afraid that if we were too specific, scientists could use carbon as a back door term to slip some real c...c...cl...science into the public debate, and we couldn't have that!"

One unexpected effect of the ban would be limitations on public discussion of such subjects as carbon dating of fossils, carbon as the building block of all life forms on the planet and carbonated beverages, as well as leaving a big hole in the periodic table.

"Pfah!" Representative McKinley waved a dismissive hand. "There are hundreds of elements on the periodic table - hell, we discover new ones practically every day! Just pick another one to be the building block of all life forms on the planet!"

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1724H8EC-2C145-65K5-AAA4422614B716291]
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Have You Ever Heard A Telus Snort?
Brave Men Blanche And Children Run Away Crying

Telus and Rogers announced that they have decided to stop routinely handing out basic customer information to police and security agencies without a warrant.

"This is our information," said Rogers spokesweasel Maria Hilzaliev. "Ours! We collected it for our own purposes with our own resources and we don't want to share it with anybody! Ours! Ours! Ours! Ours! Ours!"

"Rogers never really liked to share," pouted the RCMP in response.

"You're ones to talk!" Telus snorted.

SOURCE: Canadian Depress

[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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We're All Nations Of One

When I criticize policies of the Conservative government, I am a traitor to my country.
When I speak out against violence against women, I am a traitor to my sex.
When I complain about violence against Palestinians, I am a traitor to my religion.
When I decry the obscene accumulation of wealth, I am a traitor to my class.
When I support equal rights for gays and lesbians, I am a traitor to my gender.
When I protest against discrimination against blacks, I am a traitor to my race.

Still, I am always true to myself.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Just When You Thought The Fashion Industry Couldn't Get Any Ickier...

The latest trend in fashion from Paris and Milan is for models to be carried down runways on the backs of football players and other strong, burly men. "We believe that our fall lineup is best displayed in this manner, yes," explained Helmut Ferrouzi, chief designer for upscale women's couturier the House of Holmes.

But, is that true? Donovan and Delirium, a company that scouts models for the major designers, is notorious for recruiting young women outside eating disorder clinics, including women who are too weak to walk on their own and have to move around in wheelchairs. Or, on the backs of strong, burly men.

"Women with eating disorders have no place in the fashion industry!" Ferrouzi insisted. "Although, you have to admit, that purple off the shoulder full length dress with ostrich feather trim and shoulder pads was adorable on Tina Lollocredenza. Well, what you could see of it around David Beckham's arm!"

SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker

[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%15%22%1DT%1FRE%1C%20%0A&type=a&mr=332&CFID=746762&CFTOKIN=12259405]
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Because The Series Has Been A Bastion Of Sensitivity Since It Began

"We will be fully aware that this is not something trivial for people, we don't want to trivialize it and I completely can understand why some people might be afraid that Two and a Half Men might trivialize an important issue." - star John Cryer talking about a plotline in the new season where the two main characters pretend to be gay in order to adopt a son

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Oh, CRA Can You See?

Say Hooray for the CRA!

As the Harper Government of Canada consolidates its power far and wide
Those who'd publicly speak truth are a rarity.
When not subject to derisive hilarity,
Truth tellers are dealt with with increasing severity.
This is even true of any unlucky charity
That gets on the Prime Minister's bad side.

Remember the line about freedom of speech? You mean you really bought it?
Oh, my goodness, brace yourself: you're heading for an audit!

The Harper Government of Canada has breathed new life into old tricks.
You don't want to be on the bad side of the CRA -
The Canadian Revenue Agency, as they say.
You would think they would focus on wealthy people hiding their money in the Cay-
Man Islands, but that's not how revenooers work today:
You can come to the CRA's attention for talking ‘bout politics.

At the best times, politics is fraught, it
Is, however, the hardest hard ball to subject your enemies to an audit.

There's nothing subtle here, no positive subtext:
Can you afford to lose the ability to accept tax-exempt charitable donations?
The United Church, Amnesty International, The David Suzuki Foundation
And others of the biggest charities in the nation
Could do nothing to avoid this altercation -
Say the wrong thing in public and you could be next!

You thought you'd be spared because you've had many a plaudit?
When I have stopped laughing, prepare for an audit!

Doing good works will not save you
When the CRA approaches you with ill will.
Better to just swallow the bitter pill
And allow your freedom of expression to chill;
The public interest in your cause will wither, but still,
That's the only option the government gave you.

You want trouble? Oh, boy, have you got it!
There can be no more horrible fate than a tax audit!

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/688.html]
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