Thank you, Gwalbert Friese, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, actor Renee Zellweger showed her new face off. After about five years out of the spotlight, it was time for her to face the music. Unfortunately, she didn't give reporters any face time, so we really don't know why she felt the need to have work done on her visage (assuming our perception of her look was correct and she had had work done on her visage). But, let's face facts: she was already beautiful before...the changes she may or may not have made. And, we would tell her that if only she would meet us face to face.
Sigh. We're hoping Zellweger was motivated by a disfiguring car crash.
Enjoy,The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Terrorism Itself (And Maybe Drugs)
Even If None Of Us Can Agree On What That Means
Like Your Shifty Neighbour, He Promises To Give Them Back When He's Done Using Them
THEN WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON DOING WITH YOUR NEW TOOLS?!
If We Allow The Government To Limit Our Freedoms, The Terrorists Win
When CSIS Agents Break Down Your Door, At Least You'll Be Able To Discuss The Latest Leafs Game With Them
So, Please Ignore The 17 Pages Of Coverage We're Giving The Attack
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1379643262]
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New York - Cough! Hack! - New Yooooork
New York has had its first reported case of Ebola. The patient is a doctor who had been treating patients in West Africa. But, do you think we're worried? Naaah. You know what they say: if you can catch it there, you can catch it anywhere...
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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From The Beginning, The Whole Thing Was A Big B - Uhh, Mistake
The reality TV show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled by TLC. The given reason was that "Mama" June Shannon had started dating a pedophile who had spent ten years in prison, and the network was concerned for the safety of Shannon's children.
Guess things just got too real for the network.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2014/2014/10/23/bigboohoo/]
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Bet Eisenhower Didn't See THIS One Coming!
20 to life) Match the government office with the surplus weapons it got from the American military and the stated reason it needs those weapons:SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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A Grateful Nation Replies, "Phew! I'd Rather Be Wearing Slacks Anyway!"
The city of Washington has declared itself a no skirt zone after a ruling from Washington, DC Superior Court Judge Juliet McKenna that people could not be legally stopped from taking "upskirt" photos of women sitting on the steps of monuments since the women did not "have a reasonable expectation of privacy."
"At first, we were going to just put the no skirt signs at important monuments," said Homeland Insecurity Officer Malena Portabello. "But, the more we thought about it, the more we realized that a determined photographer could take an upskirt shot anywhere. On an escalator. In a glass elevator. Sitting in a restaurant having a meal. Men who want to exploit unwilling women's bodies sure have that American 'can do' spirit!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2014-10-15-you-can-put-this-turd-in-a-dress-but_x.htm]
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Did We Mention That The Attacks Were BY Canadians?
In response to separate attacks on Canadian soil that left two Canadian soldiers dead, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper speechified that this would in no way change the Canadian character.
"We are proud, yet we are humble," Prime Minister Harper stated. "We are calm, yet we shall take our vengeance with a fearsome fury. We are clever, yet we will allow the horror of what has just happened make us do foolish things. We're strong enough to know what's right, but weak enough not to choose it. We are fearful, yet we are resolute. We are taciturn, yet we can go on..."
And, I thought, He's describing a nation with a split personality!
SOURCE: Martini's Up Canada! Blog
[http:martini.upcanada.blogspeck.com]
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An Enbridge Too Far
Enbridge says it should not be required to install shut-off valves at every major water crossing of its Line 9 oil pipeline because it has a smarter way to minimize potential leaks from the lines. What was the company's response to the federal government's offer to completely pay for - sorry, subsidize 100 per cent of the cost of installing and maintaining the shut-off valves?
"Genius!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd0-f6f3-4f4f-9f00-a0eb0cc6a000]
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Cops Who Mug Are The Worst
A shocking case of racial profiling has emerged in New York after it was revealed that a white stock broker had been arrested dozens of times for trespassing in and around the place where he works - the Stock Exchange - during work hours. In response, the Stock Exchange has placed an increased number of surveillance cameras around its perimeter...to protect its employees from overreaching police officers.
"I don't conduct drive-by shootings. I don't sell drugs. I don't extort money from people," a bitter Reese "Spoons" Withers complained. "Well, okay, I don't conduct drive-by shootings and I don't extort money from innocent people. My point is that I'm an honest, upstanding citizen. I shouldn't be subjected to this kind of police harassment!"
An unrepentant arresting officer Martin Luther Huxtable stated, "I don't know anything about profiling. I'm just doing what I can to keep the global financial neighbourhood safe."
At least he had the grace to say it with a straight face.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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