"...and that's why the Pope doesn't walk behind elephants during Lent."
"And, if you liked it, remember that I lent Dick that joke."
"I wish you'd give that up."
"Kazing!"
"Kerpow!"
"Hunh!"
"Ha!"
"Okay. I guess it's time to - I don't know - play some music?"
"Or, we could talk about Mayor Stumblebutt."
"Oh, here we go..."
"Well, you don't think it's fair that he has a radio show, do you?"
"Fair? Like, do you mean to his opponents?"
"To us! I mean, when we want to get publicity to boost the ratings, we have to spend money on advertising!"
"We could moon the Grey Cup Parade."
"Yeah. No. My ass is still thawing out from the last time - and that was three years ago!"
"You should put it in a toaster oven."
"My point is - you what?"
"Put your ass in a toaster oven. That's what I did, and it came out all nice and warm and brown and...toasty and stuff."
"...Okay, so, my point is that when we want to boost ratings, we have to advertise, but when Mayor Buttsmoker wants to boost ratings for his show, all he has to do is take a picture with drug dealers or Hell's Angels and he's in every newspaper around the world!"
"We still have more listeners in Tuktoyaktuk than he does, and by a three to one margin!"
"Okay, that's something."
"We have three listeners and he only has one."
"...It seems like every day there's a new scandal that gets him more publicity. Lately, it's been the rumours that he took heroin. Does that seem fair to you?"
"I took heroin once, and all I got was a lousy addiction."
"Exactly!"
"Not that we have a problem with that any more."
"You got into a methadone clinic?"
"Mayor Smoketoker's radio show has been cancelled."
"What? Oh. That's good -"
"He has a television show, now."
"A TELEVISION SHOW?"
"Oh. Sorry. I probably shouldn't have told you when you were drinking. Hmm...let's see...6.7, 7.2, 5.9 - ouch! - and 8.8 - you always were the Ukrainian judge's darling. Respectable, if not spectacular numbers - I think your spit take technique needs work."
"How are we supposed to compete with Mayor Tokejoker when he's on TV?!"
"Have you seen him? He's rather girthy, you know."
"So?"
"So, we can convince our listeners that we're svelte young things, that if we weren't signed to a long term radio contract, we're pretty enough to be two fifths of a boy band..."
"How can we do that when people have seen us? We make appearances at monster truck roasts all the time!"
"I always get the fender - the toughest part of roasted monster trucks! - hey, why is that?"
"So, how can people who meet us in public not notice that we're both middle aged and girthy, too?"
"That's the magic of radio."
"...I can't -"
"Not that it matters any more."
"It doesn't?"
"No. The Mayor's TV show has been cancelled after one episode."
"It took them a whole episode to realize he doesn't belong on TV? I could have saved them a lot of -"
"Mayor Jokeaday will have his own show on the Internet."
"The Internet? Oh, no! He's going after the eight years, six months and three days to 14 years, two months and 27 days old demographic!"
"Is that really a thing?"
"Young people, man! He's going for a young audience! Our young audience!"
"Oh. Well, it doesn't matter. The numbers weren't so hot, so he decided not to continue the Internet show."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Now, he's putting out a series of collectible cards."
"Cards?"
"Yeah. I hear the bubble gum is going to taste like cherries and economic despair."
"That...that...that...!"
"Yes?"
"That's despicable!"
"Careful how you say that - you wouldn't want your spray to short out the microphone."
"He's going after a child audience! What's next - an action figure?"
"Would you settle for a bobblehead doll?"
"That's really too much!"
"Are you jealous of Mayor Daytoday's following?"
"Certainly not! I...I'm a concerned citizen! I mean...when does he have time to run the city?"
"You mean: run the city into the ground?"
"He he."
"Ha ha ha."
"Chuckle chuckle."
"Guffaw guffaw."
"Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - oh, my."
"Okay, I'm Dante 'Dick' Roverside..."
"And, I'm Evan 'Dick' Lamanchuk. And, you're listening to C-D-I-K, Big Dick radio. We'll have more on the Mayor's media adventures later in the show."
"But, first, a little band I like to call The Doors does a song they like to call 'The End...'"