"Hey! The economy is bad - everybody knows that. If you're in debt, it's probably not your fault - it's that darned economy thing!"
"Damn straight!"
"Of course, you shouldn't have bought that plasma wall screen when you could barely put food on the floor (now that you've hocked the table). So, maybe your debts are partly your own fault."
"Well...maybe just a little..."
"And taking out a mortgage on a 50 room mansion when your kids have to go to school in slippers because you can't afford to buy them shoes?"
"Hey! That only happened once!"
"You know the real reason you're in debt? Because you're a loser who has made bad economic decisions! LOSER!"
"But...but...but - what about the whole bad darned economy thing?"
"And, that's okay."
"Didn't you say it wasn't my fau - it's okay?"
"That's right. At Farker and Sons, we don't care why you racked up that heinous amount of debt. What we will do is help you consolidate your debt and make sure that you pay us before you pay any of your other creditors. That sounds fair, doesn't it?"
"I used to owe fifteen different people - now I owe only three. I owe them twice as much, but, if I was good at math, do you think I would have been in such heinous debt to begin with? Thanks, Farker and Sons!""What? Oh. Harsh."
"Way harsh."
"Beyond way harsh."
"What's beyond way harsh?"
"I dunno - chocolate brownies in a safe you can't open?"
"Ouch. Still - way beyond harsh?"
"You have no idea how much I want those brownies, man. I'm salivating just talking about them."
"I see. I'm glad I'm not the person who has to wipe down the mikes after every show."
"You should be, man. You should be."
"Wow. Remember when advertising on this station was wall to wall condos?"
"We've only been working here a month."
"I was being rhetorical."
"Oh. Why, yes, then. Yes, I remember it clear as a King Crimson lyric!"
"Now, it seems like every ad is about helping people in debt."
"I wouldn't say every ad..."
"No? How about..."
"Hi. I'm Aldo Fiannuci, the debt lawyer. Remember when I told you not to do Internet searches using the terms 'debt reduction,' 'debt refinancing' or 'upskirt lithographs?'" WHO'S CRYING NOW, MORON! The government is watching everything you do online, and the information that you should be most worried about it finding are your honest efforts to pay off your heinous debts. STOP IT RIGHT NOW BEFORE YOU GO BLIND drunk after you realize just how much you have revealed to the government. Then, call me, Aldo Fiannuci, the debt lawyer. I'll think of something."
"Okay. So, that's two -"
"You say you got a parking ticket that you don't think you should pay? One parking ticket? A single? Uno? Pussy. You got a speeding ticket that is totally unfair because you weren't going that much over the limit? One ticket? Aww, give us a break! You say you've got 100 speeding tickets dating back to a year after Confederation and that if you paid all the fines and late fees the city could pay off all its debts and be in the black for a decade? Now you're talking! The recently terminated members of the thin blue line who work for Former Fuzz love a challenge! We know the court system because we worked in - and many of us lost our badges because of - it. We know all of the ways to get you out of that speeding ticket - many of them legal! Call Former Fuzz - we fight the law, and, unlike the Bobby Fuller Four, this time the law won't win!"
"Okay. Yeah, I'm beginning to see the pattern..."
"It makes you wonder if there's a connection."
"Between cops, lawyers and debt pacification companies?"
"Nooooo, between last year's condo boom and this year's personal debt crisis."
"Oh. Naah. I don't think there's a connection."
"Right. Me neither."
"Okay, then. Good morning, everybody. I'm Jean-Claude 'von Dick' De-La-Skibol..."
"And, I'm Reginald 'Dick' Kefauver."
"You're listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K, Big Dick radio."
"Well be back with more commercials in a few minutes."
"But, now, how about some music? Here's The Steve Miller Band doing 'Take the Money and Run...'"