Dear Amritsar,
You know how Home Universe GeneratorTMs come with a warning that "images in other universes appear realer than yours?" Yeah, yeah, I used to think that it was just a lawyer's way of justifying an outrageous fee, too. After my experience over the last couple of months, though, I'm laughing a different tune.
It started when I saw my friend Cleo getting bitten by her pet snake, Dio Chrysostom (so she had a thing for obscure Greek orators - who am I to judge?). When I saw her in Home Ex (the high school class where young ladies are taught how to run a household after they're divorced) the next day, I told her what I had seen. She assured me that Dio would never do anything to hurt her, and, anyway, nobody but a meddlesome cow would believe that anything they saw on their Home Universe GeneratorTM would actually happen in this universe.
I was sad when, two and a half weeks later, Dio Chrysostom bit Cleo right on her big, fat…ego. Yeah, sure, I was feeling vindicated, and maybe a little smug, even. But, mostly, sad.
Wait. That was just the beginning.
Perry is one of the biggest jocks in Sproy High, so, naturally, all the girls love him. Except for me - brothers! Three of the cutest girls in the school, April Dotty, Teena and Harriet, had been bugging him to tell them which was the cutest since the start of term. One day, I saw in the Home Universe GeneratorTM that Perry posted to his Farcebook page that April Dotty was the curtest girl at Sproy High. Teena and Harriet, who thought for sure that they were the cutest (because teenagers - duh!), immediately unfriended him.
When I tried to warn Perry that he would just needlessly make enemies if he posted his decision to Farcebook, he told me I was a crazy (because booger brained boys!) and to mind my own business.
The whole thing was unnecessary because everybody knew that Perry really longed for Helena (who actually was the cutest girl at Sproy High). Sure, her boyfriend, Manny, was the Captain of the football team and was a shoo-in to be King of the prom when we all graduated. Still, Perry was cocky enough to think he had a chance with Helena.
So, basically, he stole her heart. By which I mean he kidnapped her and kept her in the boy's locker room over a three day weekend. By the end, she had totally Stockholm Syndromed on him!
I watched with increasing horror as my Home Universe GeneratorTM showed me what ensued: the kids in the school divided between those who supported Perry and those who were loyal to Manny. Dirty tricks escalated. Before anybody knew what had happened, half of the kids in the school had been expelled. Lives were ruined. Property was damaged.
I've tried to warn everybody involved. Perry laughed, saying it was usually the boys who didn't believe in romance. Helena said she was perfectly happy with Manny and that there was no way that she was going to ruin that good, good thing. Manny asked me who I was and why I was talking to him (because popular kid, right?). They're heading for disaster, and none of them will listen to me!
Is there any way I can stop this from happening?
Cassie O.
Hey, Babe,
As far as I can see, there are two possibilities. It's possible that you remember all of the times when what you saw in the Home Universe GeneratorTM came to pass in your universe, but simply forgot the much greater number of times that it didn't. For instance, did you foresee Kelly injuring his heel and not being able to compete in the football finals against Riverdale High?
Our minds can be tricky bastards that way (because chemical imbalance or such).
The other possibility is that you actually have a gift, that your Home Universe GeneratorTM can show you what will happen in your realm before it does. Nobody likes the bringer of bad news, though, so, for your sake, I hope it's just your mind being a tricky bastard.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: while it is inconvenient to sneeze in the shower, plastic tissues are not the answer. Trust me, there are some places that space age materials were never meant to go!