Hola, Biz Whiz:
A couple of months ago, I was cheerfully tucking into a bowl of Captain Barffley's Chocolate Covered Squid Flakes ("Now with 27 per cent more aquatic goodness!") when something crunched. It was my tooth, actually, on what appeared to be a sugar-coated bone. Do squids even have bones? It was either a bone or a piece of machinery that had somehow snapped off and made its way through the assembly line of aquatic goodness. Aww, who am I kidding? For all I know, it was a key component of an alien death ray that had somehow come loose and been transported from another dimension into my cereal bowl.
Don't get me wrong: it tasted great. But, having breakfast doesn't usually result in $3,247 worth of dental work.
I contacted Generic Mills and asked about compensation for my broken tooth. They offered me a coupon for a free box of Cinnamon Flavoured Rooster Crunchies. Tempting as the offer was, it didn't go very far in covering my medical bills, so I threatened to sue the company if they didn't offer me a fairer deal.
They laughed in my face. Literally - Generic Mills sent seven representatives to my house for the express purpose of laughing in my face. Business must be good. Still, they clarified the issue for me: anybody who has ever looked at a Generic Mills product in the aisle of a grocery store, in a food dispensing machine or at a major sporting event where a team loses cannot sue the company for any reason ever and ever amen. It's on their Web site, so it must be true.
Is it true? And, if so, is there anything I can do about it?
The Biz Whiz:
This may constitute overreaching (by 12.381016 metres - that's a lot of lawyers' arms, although, perhaps not surprisingly, almost as many lawyers' grasping hands) on the part of Generic Mills. However, since we have to deal with the law as it is and not as we would like to see it on a Dick Wolf television series, let us consider your situation.
Is the fact that you own a Generic Mills product primae facie (literally: first rate face) evidence that you have looked at it in the store? Unfortunately, since most grocery stores have surveillance systems that a prison warden would envy, it's trivially easy for them to prove that you did, indeed, look at the box before buying it.
My attorney Bernie says nice try.
Some people have taken to shopping blindfolded in order to maintain their right to sue Generic Mills. And, the damage to stores across the nation has been less than you might expect (although this also means that the comic potential of the situation has yet to be fully realized). Of course, you really have to want to maintain your ability to sue a food products transnational corporate conglomerate (TCC, although I hope never to have to use the term again, so that's another acronym that will go to waste!) to go shopping for half a dozen tins of tuna and come home with 27 boxes of adult diapers and a fog machine.
Another strategy that has been tried has been to pay blind people to do your shopping for you. This has all the disadvantages of shopping blindfolded yourself with the added problem that the person isn't especially motivated to buy anything on your list. Because of this, you may need a pot roast for Friday's dinner, but you'll get nine boxes of lined paper with single holes punched in them and a sound mixing board.
At this point, you would be well advised to abandon your quest for food and become a rock band roadie.
You should be aware that, according to the same contract, all lawsuits against Generic Mills must be filed with a court in Sri Lanka. If you were planning on an extended vacation in a developing nation, the lawsuit will be a bonus; for most people, however, it seems like a steep price to pay to be able to eat one's breakfast without being put in mortal jeopardy.
My best advice would be to swallow the broken tooth. Our capitalist system, as wonderful as it is, asks people to swallow much worse!
The economy is too important to be left to economists! If you have a work, financial or otherwise money-centric question, quiz the Biz Whiz at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Yes, the Biz Whiz uses unpaid interns to help him research and write his columns. It's either that or hire workers in Bangladesh. It's not that he needs to keep up with rates paid by his competition - the Biz Whiz has no competition. He's just a cheap bastard.