So, Yeah, BW:
Remember when all an employer needed to give a worker to keep him happy was a copper penny, a bowl of gruel and a Bible? Neither do I - I'm not Methuselah, you know! (That would be my father-in-law - we do look alike, so your confusion is understandable, if insulting.) In any case, I have heard stories. Today, a CEO reads an article on how increasing worker happiness leads to an increase in productivity in a business porn magazine, and before you know it, poor project managers like me are ordered to somehow make the happification process work.
So, okay, I did a little research and purchased the Happy Chappie Appy for all of my underlings. The HCA app asks employees a lot of nosy questions that management would not otherwise have the chutzpah to ask, then monitors their work-related emails and Internet use and, through a series of hidden cameras, their interactions with each other. (I was told that if anybody complained about the lack of privacy, I was to respond, "Can't talk now - too busy trying to make you happy." Nobody did. Not even Muthervoard, and she complains that the Styrofoam in coffee cups makes her mouth itch!)
After two weeks assessing the situation, the HCA app suggested a number of changes in our workplace, which were immediately implemented; it's not so much that I had faith in them as it was that I had faith that I would be immediately redundanted if the executive who, much to my surprise, hadn't been distracted by the new BMW catalogue and was still interested in worker happiness, didn't see some improvement. Whoa! Look at the length on that sentence! I'm a regular Donald Pynchon!
So. The recommendations included: piping eighties soft rock into the work environment; setting up an employee lounge where they could talk about their feelings and play games such as ping-pong (but, not darts - no point in giving employees sharp objects when they're talking about their feelings), and; ending the practice of piping eighties soft rock into their work environment when the employees complained bitterly about it.
These seemed like cosmetic changes to me and, while my management philosophy has always been that a little eyeliner goes a long way, I was surprised - yes, again! - when, one month later, the apparent happiness among our field workers had increased by 73.46900023 per cent. The happification process had succeeded.
Unfortunately, within 24 hours of relaying that result to the CEO, all of our newly happified employees quit.
What the heckaroonies happened?
The Biz Whiz:
Sorry, but what did you say your company did?Oh. I guess I should have mentioned that. My company is called Xexox (formerly Boxtox, before that Plinxtinks, ere then Io Mining 9, nee Plinxboxoxinks). We mine Madeuptonium on Io, a moon of Jupiter.
The Biz Whiz:
Ah. Well. I see your problem right there. Madeuptonium mining is the most disgusting job in the solar system. The walls of the mine tunnels are shot through with green slime that makes you imagine that you are working in the nasal passage of somebody who is allergic to everything in the universe, but particularly you. Something in the air makes people's ears water and gives them an uncontrollable urge to sing Ethel Merman songs, a fact which leaves medical science baffled. And, a little queasy.
The only way you can recruit people to work on Io is to give them extensive psychological tests before they go and weed out all of the ones who are well-adjusted. Depressed? Check. Low self-esteem? Check and check. Borderline psychosis? Not ideal, but, ultimately, it depends on how desperate the recruiter is when you apply. Happy? Stop wasting my time - get out and don't come back until you've had a major life trauma!
In fact, having happy workers is not a good idea for most businesses. Happy employees spend far too much time reading lists of the 10 Top Chefs Who Got Plastic Surgery They Regretted and Were Subsequently Banned From Saturday Night Live, and dreaming of fornicating with each other. As you might imagine, productivity plummets. Dehappified employees, on the other hand, work harder in order to please their bosses and ensure that they don't get replaced by the co-workers they would otherwise be dreaming of fornicating with.
It sounds to me like your company's Human Resources department has become infested with psychology majors. You may want to start the dehappification process there.
The economy is too important to be left to economists! If you have a work, financial or otherwise money-centric question, quiz the Biz Whiz at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. "Because the name is so adorable - look at how many hearts I can put over its i's!" is not a good reason to buy a stock. Unless its market value triples in the week after you bought it, in which case you should start your own investing newsletter the following week.