Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I was thinking of renovating my kitchen, so I went to the local Stop & Shop & Drop & Give Me Twenties. They have a room that is made up of four wall-sized screens that allow you to try different combinations of designs and materials when redecorating in order to ensure that it will take twice as long for you to get buyer's remorse (which, for me, would be about three minutes). The room is kind of like the Star Trek holodeck, but without the alien battle scenarios. Or, Sherlock Holmes. Or, I suppose, real three dimensional interactivity.
To make the tryout more meaningful, I imagined that I was going to use the kitchen to cook...oh, what is it? It's a dish made out of French fries, cheese curds and gravy. I know there's a name for it, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's on the tip of my tongue. No, wait, finger is more appropriate, since I'm typing this on my abacus. Aww, jeepers jodhpurs, this is going to drive me nuts until I figure it - oh! Stupid me! It's right there in your headline! Ghost! I wanted to make ghost. And, uhh, I guess poutine is the Croatian word for kitchen. So, I imagined I was making ghost in the poutine.
To make the simulation seem more...similar to reality, a couple of black figures appeared and started cooking. I don't mean human beings with dark skin, I mean black geometric shapes in the rough approximation of a human being. You know, like they have on signs for mime crossings (only the virtual characters had apparently discovered deodorant). I watched with fascination as they peeled the potatoes and poured beef broth into a saucepan.
Then, one of the figures got a bottle of wine out of the cupboard (an impressive feet considering the figures didn't have any hands). Before I knew it, they were toasting to something, their heads bobbing with laughter. Then, one non-existent hand brushed up against another, and the two heads looked soulfully into each others...inky blackness, I guess. Knocking all of the poutine fixings off the kitchen counter, the two black figures merged, with dark geometric shapes poking out of the dark mass at an increasingly frenzied pace. I was spellbound.
Still, what does it say about me that a cartoon character in a virtual simulation gets more action than I do?
Sincerely,Yo, Belly Phone,
I want to respond that it says you're a loser, but I somehow get the feeling that that's not what you want to hear. And, in any case, Misses The Tech Answer Guy always chides me that calling people losers is for losers, which seems paradoxical, but I try not to dwell on paradoxes too much these days lest the nightmares return, so let me ineffectually grope for a different, less honest but more reassuring response.
I wouldn't mind responding that we all go through different life stages: at some points, we like cherry soda, at other points, chamomile tea. (I don't happen to like either, I'm just tryna make a point, here.) At some points in our life, we believe that a principle of justice rules the universe, at other times we have to pay our insurance premiums. Sometimes, we're highly sexually active, at other times we're married.
Well. If you had ever met Misses The Tech Answer Guy, you would know why I can't possibly go there.
In any case, you can't say for sure that the two figures on the screens were having intimate relations. For all you know, they could have been...playing an especially spirited game of Parcheesi. Sure. Parcheesi. Or, they could have been moving troops around a map of the world replaying the last days of World War II - if you had ever seen how excited Generals get in the War Room, you wouldn't doubt this for a second. You'd be grossed out, sure, but at least your grossed outedness would be certain.
Or, perhaps you're just reading too much into what you saw. As Karl Rorschach, my sister-in-law's podiatrist, truly said, sometimes an inkblot is just a mess on your virtual reality screen.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: We're willing to go a long way to justify a clever headline. We have no shame. You're welcome.