Thank you, Ibtihaj Burns, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we came to the conclusion that there was no belief system, no matter how humane, that couldn't be corrupted by human greed and stupidity over time. Yeah, sure, okay, your belief system will prove to the exception. Whatever. Faced with this depressing truth, we took the only course of action that seemed reasonable to us: we threw away our library cards.
Enjoy,
Okay, so, that happened.
Let's overlook the mealy-mouthed way Republican Presidential wannabe Mike Huckabee threatened civilian disobedience in the aftermath of the Supreme Court decision allowing gay marriage throughout the United States; it's so polite, you could be forgiven for mistaking him for a Canadian! Deciding to quote civil rights activist Martin Luther King must have caused so much dissonance in his brain, it's a miracle he could get any words out at all.
Why dissonance? Let's look at what the two men stood for:
| In fighting for his religious beliefs, he was fighting to extend basic rights to all Americans. | In fighting for his religious beliefs, he is fighting to deny basic rights to a specific group of Americans. |
Can you spot the difference? I know it's subtle, but if you work at it, I'm sure you'll see it eventually. Think. Think hard.
This comparison is beyond crazy. It's in really, really, really, really, really bad taste.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Non-ambulatory, Non-sentient Beings? Sounds Like Half The Slate Of Republican Presidential Wannabes!
Drivers who have been using mannequins to make it seem like there are more people in their cars in order to drive in special HOV lanes set up for the Pan Am Games are fighting against criticism of their actions.
"Mannequin is such a loaded term," said Deville Devronka of no fixed gender. "We prefer to call them non-ambulatory, non-sentient beings. Because, let me tell you, non-ambulatory, non-sentient beings have feelings, too!"
Oddly enough, police officers found the argument unpersuasive - especially when Devronka used the film Ted 2 as a precedent - and continued to ticket people using HOV lanes who had fewer than three people in their cars.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2015/06/29/509727.html]
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They're Always Looking For A Few Bad Men
End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles has renounced his American citizenship, saying, "How can I pledge allegiance to the flag of a nation that celebrates sexual perversion, pornography and baby killing?" He was, of course, referring to gay marriage, uhh...pornography and abortion. You know how you're groping for a loaded term, and your brain just shrugs and goes, "Sorry, I got nothing?" Let's give Wiles the benefit of the doubt with that middle issue and say that that's what happened.
He should have no trouble finding a new home. His beliefs would make him welcome in Saudi Arabia, for instance. I'm sure he would have no difficulty making friends of Iran's Ayatollahs. Hell, if he did have trouble finding a place that would take him all he would have to do would be to bend just a little on religion, and he could comfortably join ISIS.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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This Was One Of The Most Obnoxiously Offensive Books I Have Ever Read, But With Just A Little Tweaking...
Okay, so, I read 50 Shades of Immature. Some people thought that the review I posted on my blog, which concluded, "If it weren't for the fact that this is a terrible book, with one-dimensional characters and cliched situations, it could be a great book." was a little wishy washy.
Although I've said this before, I guess you can't repeat it enough: I don't post negative reviews!
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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NBC has ended its relationship with Donald Trump because of statements he made as a Republican presidential wannabe that he wanted to eat Mexican immigrants who came to the US looking for a better life. The idea that he probably was forced to say this by the alien symbiote on his head did not sway the network.
Some people having suggested that NBC's decision was disingenuous. "NBC knew Trump wore an alien symbiote on his head when they green-lighted The Apprentice," said media critic Elmore Teradonovich. "Now they want us to believe that they didn't understand from the beginning that alien symbiotes sometimes say outrageous, inhuman things? Give me a break!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=38562641317941314020fx]
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His Friends Thought The Tale Sounded A Little Humany
A 600 pound white sturgeon from the Fraser River was devastated when he discovered that he had been landed by an 80 pound nine year-old boy from New Jersey.
"I always figured I would be caught by a burly man in the prime of his manhood," the sturgeon explained. "You know: 200 pounds of pure muscle and an iron will. This...well, I'm gonna need years of therapy to get past this!"
The sturgeon was thrown back into the River. It might have been kinder to gut and fillet him.
SOURCE: Ours is the Kingdom - News for the Everyday Animal in the Streets
[ http://www.nondisneyanimalkingdom.com/home]
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Recent changes to the Health Canada Web site condemn the health risks of asbestos, which, it now claims, "can cause cancer and other diseases" if inhaled. That may seem obvious, but, until recently, an exception was made for chrysotile asbestos, which the site said was no more dangerous to inhale than a metric tonne of cotton candy. Would it surprise you to learn that chrysotile asbestos was mined in Canada?
It sure as hell didn't surprise us.
The Harper Government of Canada is downplaying the change. "We wanted...we wanted * SOB! * to make sure the...the...the information on asbestos was c...c...c...clear!" government spokesweasel Michael Subgenius wrote with a great wracking, heaving sob. "Oh, my god, how many people died because we couldn't...wouldn't - I'm sorry, but I...I...I - yeah..." Then, he walked away from the computer where he was composing the email.
Health Minister Rona Ambrose sighed and muttered something about "growing a pair." Or, possibly, "growing pears." Because they're good for the colon. A clarification from the prime Minister's office should be forthcoming.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20150702.eladvote0702_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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