Thank you, Anna Phylaxis-Jones, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we noticed that it was getting warm in the office, so we turned the air conditioner up. An hour later, it was getting warm in the office again, so we checked the air conditioner; sure enough, somebody had turned it down, so we turned it back up again. This went on for several hours, but when we confronted the female members of our staff (because women's different circulatory systems), they denied having anything to do with it. In desperation, we set up a camera to record who was messing with the A/C. We were shocked, shocked, we tell you, to find that the culprit was the cat Agent Sleeper Mittens. Damn you, Agent Sleeper Mittens.
At least now all the men in the office know to wear lighter clothes on bring your pet to work day.
Enjoy,To Be Clear: The Cat's Pajamas Are Not Edible
In the first national leader's debate, Thomas Mulcair claimed that, "Unlike the Prime Minister, I have never eaten a kitten in my life." What is the truth to gas ratio of this assertion?
There is no evidence that Prime Minister Stephen Harper has ever eaten a cat. Oh, sure, he often looks in photos and public appearances like he wants to eat a cat, but he's never been caught with fur in his mouth, or even cutlery in his hands in the presence of a cat.
This one is only a two alarm chili kind of gassiness, but you'll want to take an antacid just to be on the safe side.
SOURCE: Satire in the Public Interest Research Group
[http://www.spirguoft.org/index_cmd_ShowData_ampsection__ampsubsection_1_amptype_1.html]
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Even If He Was In The Bag With Everybody Else, Trump Would Still Need A Separate Bag For His Ego
If you double down on doubling down after having already doubled down, are you down six times or eight times?
The question was prompted by the toupee that walks like a man, Donald Trump. It started with Trump making disparaging remarks about women (down). Then, when Fox lightweight (okay, he got that right) Megyn Kelly asked him about it at the first Republican Presidential candidates debate, he said he was only talking about Rosie O'Donnell (double). In an interview the next day, he made the above statement (Tim Hortons). When there was an uproar about Trump's crude reference to Kelly's femaleness (think about it), he claimed that he was talking about her nose, and "Only a deviant would think anything else" (doubling tripled). Then, sending doubling out of the atmosphere on the first leg of a flight through the solar system, he dismissed the whole controversy with the following tweet: "So many ‘politically correct' fools in our country. We have to all get back to work and stop wasting time and energy on nonsense!"
Well, quite.
Why does Trump get his own bag? Frankly, none of the other children are willing to play with him. Even longtime residents of the Bag of Crazy, including other Republican Presidential hopefuls like Mike Huckabee and Marco Rubio, have condemned Trump's remarks. Of course. They may be crazy, but they're not stupid!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Number Fourteen Will Shock And Awe You!
Twelve celebrities you didn't know were famous
1. Kristen StewartSOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/August/Famous_Before_They_Were_Famous.asp]
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Would It Kill You To Admit That The Dropped Letter "I" In The Misinfographic On Your Web Site Was A Typo?
Prime Minster Stephn Harper has made an announcemnt that starting immedatly, all words used in offical governmnt communicatns will be spoken and written without repatd vowels.
"Since the budget remains in defict," the Prime Minster stated, "we felt that any cost cutting measur, no matter how ridculos it may sem, would be worth the sacrifce."
The Prime Minster's office said that the cost of adminstratng the new rule would be minmal. Howevr, when pressd, a Cabinet minster who refusd to be named did allow that the governmnt hadn't factored in the therapy Spellchck programmes will requir after failng to cope with the effects of the new policy.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=496422]
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Let's Not Harper On The Woman's Health…
Valerie Harper, the 75 year-old actress who appeared on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and its spinoff, Rhoda, held a press conference to deny that she was on death's door. "If I was in a coma," she rhetorically asked, "would I be able to do this?" Harper then tried to do an intricate dance step that ended up with her thrashing about on the floor entangled in medical equipment.
She was subsequently sped back into the ER with a condition that nobody dared name.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2015/2015/08/03/physicalvaleriehab/]
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Insisting It Was Neutral, Time Was On Nobody's Side
North Korea plans on poking Japan with a tiny stick by changing its time zone by 30 minutes. "The wicked Japanese imperialists gained control of Koreans by dictating when we rose in the morning, dictating when we went to bed in the evening and dictating when we did everything in between!" claimed North Korea's official Central News Agency. "No more! From now on, we will dictate time for ourselves!"
"I wish dem good luck wit dat," said Newfoundlander Teresa Beanbabbie, "but, ta be honest wit yas, de extra half hour ain't nuttin' to lose any sleep over!"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=B4UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=67630]
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The APA Itself Seems To Be Suffering From A Decade Long Case Of Moral Compass Disassociative Disease
At its annual meeting, the American Psychological Association passed a resolution that complicity in torture is an indication of a sado-masochistic personality disorder, often arising out of a virulent strain of narcissism and/or penis envy. In some cases, the resolution continued, taking part in torture can be a result of severe personal stressors or the government simply asking for the physician's help; in either case, ignorance combined with belated moral censure is the recommended treatment.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1178H3EC-2PP145-20K5-APA1582614B777666]
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