The Daily Me - Rhianedd Beamiss

Thank you, Rhianedd Beamiss, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about people who write messages in marker on stones and leave them on a beach near Oakville's pier. You know the kind of stuff: "For a good time, call your local MPP" and "Becky Hearts Surgery" and "This space for rant." Inspirational stuff. And, we thought, with great love and affection for our distant ancestors, Fantastic! This is Facebook...for Neanderthals!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

When Did "Random" Become A Synonym For "Black?"

Peel police Chief Jennifer Evans has sent emails to her senior staff asking them to supply her with examples of carding "success stories," examples where the practice of stopping random people on the street and questioning them helped solve crimes. This is what she has come up with so far:

a woman who was carded eventually broke down and admitted to cheating at bridge;
another woman who was carded was arrested for shoplifting only 17 months later;
a man who was carded turned out to be a member of Greenpeace, an organization that tries hard to be put on a list of terrorist organizations, but hasn't quite made it just yet.

"Give us enough time, and I'm sure we'll be able to come up with proof that carding is a vital tool in fighting crime," Evans stated. "In the meantime, would it kill you to smile at the cam built into the uniforms of our officers? Everybody's so serious!"

SOURCE: NOW and THEN

[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=397422]
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It's Just The Circle Jerk Of Life...

Scott Ellis, executive director of the Guide Outfitters Association of BC, says that sport hunters should be allowed to shoot British Columbian grizzly bears, chop off their heads for mounting and leave their rotting corpses for other animals to scavenge. "Does the bear care? It's already dead. Whatever you decide to do with it, he doesn't care. It's the circle of life, there are other things that will feed off of their carcass: wolves, coyotes, birds."

That was how we used to think of the circle of life, but, as with so many other concepts, humanity has redefined it to suit our purposes. The circle of life now looks like this:

SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal

[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=333]
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The First Astronauts Would Never Have Stood For This
They Would Have Brought Along Their Own

0h, dear!) Japan has sent five types of alcohol to the International Space Station as an experiment. What is the experiment intended to show? a) that time, as measured by the aging of alcohol, passes at exactly the same rate in near Earth orbit as it does on Earth
b) how long it takes before human beings stuck in a tin can in space can last before they give in to the temptation of drinking some of the liquor sent up to them as an experiment
c) how cynical journalists can be about space exploration

0h, no!) How will you be able to tell if astronauts on the space station have secretly taken a nip from the alcohol stash? a) they'll start prank calling Mission Control in the middle of the night
b) they'll start building their own lampshades out of spare material in order to have something to wear on Saturday night
c) one of them will sing David Bowie's song "Space Oddity" while floating in zero grav - what?

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Do You Remember When One Of The Kids On The Lawn Was You?

For the first time in Canadian history, there are more people aged 65 and older than there are children under the age of 15 reported Statistics Canada. And, over the next decade, the gap is expected to get wider.

This has repercussions for many aspects of - what? You're having trouble focusing on what was in the previous paragraph? I wrote that there are more seniors in Canada than chil - what? What do you mean, you don't get it? It's a simple enough -

Oh, for goodness' sake, increase the size of type on your screen, will you?!

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
7088591831817&call_pageid=768335278497&col=768666972157]
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Art Is In The Eye Of The Arms Manufacturer

Once upon a time, there lived a giant who liked to make wood carvings out of the trees in the forest where he lived. Only, he was hamfisted where the craft required delicacy, as a result of which he ended up making ugly messes of the trees, when he didn't destroy them outright. Periodically, he would ask his neighbours to help him carve the trees; they knew that this would result in an ugly mess, but he was a giant, so how could they refuse? Over time, wide swaths of the forest no longer had trees in them, which the animals that had to live in them resented the hell out of. Oblivious, the giant continued carving.

What was the giant's name? American Foreign Policy.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Captain Undocrants And The Scary Policies

Undocumented immigrants (Undocrants) have become a football in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination. Only two candidates have offered credible plans for dealing with the problem: Donald Trump and Chris Christie. How do their plans compare? I have created a chart of their salient points for your comparison:

Candidate	Chris Christie	Donald Trump

plan	track Undocrants like packages	deport 11 million Undocrants
corporate inspiration	FedEx	Greyhound
main technology	computer chip	bus
quote on process	"At any moment, FedEx can tell you where that package is. It's on the truck. It's at the station. It's on the airplane. Yet we let people come to this country with visas, and the minute they come in, we lose track of them."	"We're going to do it in a very humane fashion. Believe me. I have a bigger heart than you do. We're going to do it in a very humane fashion. You know what it's called? Management ... I'm a great manager. I know how to manage things. I hire unbelievable people. What we're doing here will work great."
first complication	how do you find Undocrants to implant the chip?	can you get rid of Undocrants faster than they can reappear?
second complication	you know where they are; then what?	how do you know where they are?
legality (/10)	2.3	4.7
morality (/10)	0.3	0.2

Would either of these schemes actually work? I guess we'll find out if either of these candidates is elected president...

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=833&dir=bb]
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