Thank you, Yorick from Yorkville, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were asked if we were going to celebrate International Masturbation Day on March 8. We had to look it up to see if it was a thing. After finding that it was a thing, we explained that we felt about it the same way the parent whose child asks, "There's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day - why isn't there a Children's Day?" feels. Every day is Children's Day.
Wait - that didn't come out right. We knew this for certain when the face of the person who asked us the question curdled (some people have dirty minds! - and excessively expressive faces!). So, we clarified that we didn't start masturbating until we were 21. No, better make that 25. That face won't uncurdle itself!
Enjoy,When He Is Forced To Choose Between Buying Food Or Paying Rent, Solomon Not Only Approves Of His Decision, But Wishes He Had Thought Of It
His Welfare application, written in iambic pentameter, was so beautiful that it made angels weep. When he found that he had been overpaid on his housing allowance because of a clerical error, he apologized profusely before pointing it out to his case officer and returning the $34.27. When he stands in line waiting for the pay day loans office to open, it quickly turns into a block party - and nobody ever knows where the DJ and amps came from!
He is...the most unemployed man in the world.
"I don't usually drink beer. But, I probably will, now. And, when I do, it won't be %$#*ing Dos Equis! Stay indoors, my friends...and, if you wouldn't mind, could you lend me twenty bucks until the end of the month?"
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1003742624]
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Political Campaign Succeeds In Making America Grate Again
How can you tell that a political endorsement is less than enthusiastic? When it comes from The National Review: "Because he is marginally less odious than the Frontrunner Who Shall Not be Named, we are supporting Ted Cruz for the Republican nomination for President. However, this is contingent on two actions. First: Cruz must choose Marco Rubio as his running mate. Second: Cruz must be assassinated within 10 minutes of being sworn in. If these conditions are met, we are confident that a Cruz presidency will make America great again."
What is the giveaway? Using the phrase "make America great again," which is associated with frontrunner Donald...uhh, Who Shall Not Be Named, rather than something more neutral like "be good for America." Clearly, The National Review editorial board is hedging its bets in case...you know who wins the nomination.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/carpenter-baker1.html]
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I Vote For The Right's Assumption That The American Public Is Infantile
Okay, so, the Supreme Court is hearing a case on the constitutionality of a Texas law, SB 5, mandating that abortion clinics can be no bigger than a bread box and must be equipped with AI enhanced laser scalpels and tricorders...to protect women's health. In the middle of this, Justice Samuel Alito spaketh.
Soon after, Justice Elena Kagan pointed out that over a dozen abortion facilities closed within days of passage of the Texas bill, and almost immediately reopened when the bill was stayed. Did Alito respond by saying, "I apologize. After having reviewed the evidence, it is clear that the clinics closed as a direct response to the law." You think that sounds like something he would say? Really? Do you live in the Bag of Crazy?
No, he put his hands over his ears and repeated, "I can't hear you! I can't hear you! I can't hear you!"
It gets better (in the sense of "it gets worse"). When StandwithTXWomen.org tweeted "If SB 5 passes, it would essentially ban abortion statewide," Texas Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst responded, "We fought to pass SB5 thru the Senate last night, & this is why!" When confronted with this apparent smoking gun, Alito stuck out his tongue and made the sound of derision heard in grade school playgrounds across the country: "Pfffffffffbbbbbbbbttttttt!"
It's hard to know which is worse: Alito regressing to infantile behaviour, or Alito's collusion in the right's infantilization of women.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Is It Too Soon To Say, "Too Late!"?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Taking The Concept To Its Logical - And Icky - Conclusion
Gillis Lundgren has died at the age of 86. Lundgren designed some of Ikea's best-selling furniture and played a role in developing the company's concept of having consumers put their purchases together themselves. It will be interesting to see if he can assemble his coffin himself, or if he will need to pay somebody to do it for him.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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A 69 year-old Donald Trump supporter was photographed making a Nazi salute outside a cancelled Trump rally in Chicago. How do Trump supporters respond?
One woman out of a rally of thousands does not represent Trump's campaign or the people who support it. The woman was a Democrat plant to make the Trump campaign look more racist than it is. Raising your first in the air and pledging allegiance to Trump is closer to a black power salute than a Nazi salute, and nobody would mistake Trump supporters for that bunch! 
She has a complex motor tic and sometimes cannot control what her arm does. She was hallucinating that she was in the chorus of her hometown theatre company's production of The Producers. The photograph was photoshopped. Umm...as was the memory of everybody who witnessed the salute. Umm, okay, maybe we have a problem...
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies,/p>
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=867&dir=bb]
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