Thank you, Euna Steese, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, the world went insane. A woman had to throw out nearly four gallons of breast milk before being allowed to board a plane at Heathrow Airport. What did they think she was going to do with it? Force the pilots to drink it and then, when they were drowsy, seize the controls and crash the plane? Was she packing a bag of Oreos to complete her nefarious plan? A large portion of the milk was frozen - perhaps the plan was to use that as a club to hit the pilots over the head with?
We don't mean to milk this situation for all the humour it is worth, but it does seem a little...off... Seriously, it has curdled our love of humanity...
Enjoy,If You're Happy And You Know It Hand Yourself The Clap
Indiana has learned an important lesson in the mathematics of political pandering:
abstinence only sex education + closing down of Planned Parenthood clinics = outbreak of HIV
One can only hope that the state has learned a larger lesson: closing a Planned Parenthood clinic that doesn't provide abortion services because other Planned Parenthood clinics do is like cutting off your genitals to spite your sexual partner.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Cruel, Yet Strangely Appropriate
Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente has been caught plagiarizing another writer again: her column of April 23 appears to be a verbatim transcription of a passage of War and Peace.
"Aww, come on," said Globe and Mail Editor-in-chief David Walmsley, "who hasn't accidentally confused their memory of reading Tolstoy's text with an original thought? Word for, umm, word..."
The online version of Wente's column has been updated to include attribution, a link to an Amazon.com page where the original novel can be purchased and, inexplicably, an editor's note that apologizes to the estate of the late Robin Williams.
Wente's punishment for the mistake is rumoured to be a ten week course in post-modern literary criticism.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/blair-zakaria1.html]
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Canada: The Only Country In The World Where Citizens Are Eager To Give The Government MORE Information
The long-form census has been released, and it is an unqualified success!
"Of all the government forms I have filled out this year, the long-form census is my favourite!" enthused Montrealer Guy de la Guye. "Such exquisite detail! I...I admit it - I had to take a bathroom break a couple of times before I had finished!"
"I loved the long-form so much," raved Calgarian Agnes Pollenti, "that I filled it out five times! I'm going to go back to it again once my writing hand stops cramping!"
"Now, I can die happy," said an unknown curly headed blond gentleman on the Toronto subway.
"It's gratifying to see so many positive reviews," said Statistics Canada. But, will the sequel be as popular? "Guess we'll have to wait 10 years to find out!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088797831013&call_pageid=966335518492&col=962666972804]
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With So Much Time Left, It's Anybody's Game
The father or step-father of a four year-old girl who was shot in the face admitted that he was the one who pulled the trigger. For those of you who are keeping score at home, the shooting competition is now tied at:
PARENTS 1SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
[http://www.inquiringnationalstar.com/gossip/64381]
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When Life Gives You Nuclear Irradiated Lemons, Use Them To Make Lemonade That Can Give Light To Your Kitchen
The cash-poor Ukraine government cancelled its local school lunch programme for 350,000 children last year. Many of them will now have to drink milk and eat foods that were contaminated by radiation from the Chernobyl disaster.
"It could be worse," sighed local mother of two Viktoria Vetrova. "At least we don't have to drink water from Flint, Michigan!"
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744166]
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After All, If He Wasn't Wearing An Animal Suit, He Was Fair Game
A man wearing a panda outfit was shot by police after he entered a TV station in Baltimore and threatened to blow it up. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is considering a boycott of Baltimore businesses if the city doesn't immediately create a policy to end violence against people who wear animal suits.
"I...I think they may be a little fanatical," a spokesperson for the Baltimore PD hesitantly suggested.
SOURCE: WWW: World Weird Watch
[http://www.worldweirdwatch.com/archive/www165288.html]
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Try To Base An Ad Campaign Around THAT, Beer Company!
I like to think of myself as a good Canadian.
I can name more American Supreme Court justices than Canadian.
I give more thought to how Hillary Clinton is going to defend herself against the inevitable personal attacks from Donald Trump than I ever gave to how Justin Trudeau defended himself from the personal attacks made by Stephen Harper. Much more. Sorry, but it's just more interesting.
I'm a fan of the New York Yankees, not the Blue Jays, the Chicago Black Hawks, not the Montreal Canadians, and the Boston Celtics, not the Toronto Raptors.
I vacation once a year in Florida.
I know more about the American settlers' treatment of natives than that of the Canadian settlers.
Being a good Canadian apparently means being a better American than most Americans.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Rejoice! We Have Now Witnessed The Triumph Of Ignorance Over Evil!
Ted Cruz has dropped out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination after Donald Trump won a decisive victory in Indiana, all but ensuring that the real estate mogul/reality TV star would get the nomination at the GOP convention.
"Trump is an east coast liberal masquerading as a conservative," Cruz said in his withdrawal speech. "He's a big buffoon with a bigger bouffant who was a failure as a businessman and will be a failure if he is elected President, a failure who will surely lead this once great country to total annihilation! I tell you, Satan is preparing a special torment in hell for that man!"
It's good to know that Cruz is as gracious in defeat as he was in victory.
"Aww, Ted is just a lardbutt loser who couldn't get it up when it really counted," Trump said in his victory speech. "I was him, I'd go back to...wherever he's from and do...whatever it was he was doing, because he isn't even going to be a footnote in the glorious history of my Presidency! I hope he catches a venereal disease and dies!"
It's good to know that Trump is as gracious in victory as he was in defeat.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2016May04.html]
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