Thank you, Geraint Gravitas, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we had difficulty getting into the spirit of "May the Fourth be with you." When we were mere babes, a rat crept into our crib - seeking sympathy for its misspent youth, no doubt - imagine our surprise when our teddy bear bit us! Ever since then, we've been highly sensitive - not to mention highly resistant - to Disney's branding efforts. We were much more into the "May the Fifth be with you" celebrations - the events of the following day are a blur of exposed body parts and blown electronic circuitry!
Enjoy,Considered That Way By Howard Zneifmann, President Of The Most Timid Men In The World Club
In what is considered a bold move, Saudi Arabia's Justice Minister has issued a directive allowing women to receive a copy of their prenuptial agreement. At some future point, they will be allowed to hold it. Some time after that, they will be allowed to read the first word. Then, after a certain amount of time, an entire sentence. After that, who knows?
"Yes, by some standards progress is slow," allowed Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. "But, at least we're moving in the right direction!"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2016May04.html]
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The Fate Of The Durango Extra Milds Is Expected To Pit Environmentalists Against Anti-smoking Activists
A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Scientists suggests that there may be over a trillion different species of life on Earth. Granted, they define species very generously: you know you may be cutting things finely when you run out of Latin designations and are forced to name individual representatives of species Fred, Ethel and Durango Extra Milds.
Still, if the study is even partially correct, the implications are staggering. If humanity intends to be the cause of mass extinction, we're going to have to work a hell of a lot harder at it!
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=338]
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Foreplay Just Became A Whole Lot Tastier
Not to be outdone by KFC releasing a nail polish that tastes like its chicken, McDonalds has announced that it will be producing a set of polishes that will taste like its foods. The McHappy Nails box will include: the flavour of a Big Mac for the thumb, fries for the second finger, ketchup for the middle finger, your choice of Coke, Sprite or Strawberry Fruitopia for the fourth finger and an apple turnover for the pinkie.
Each kit will come with free little napkins to wipe the saliva off your fingers when you're done enjoying them.
But what if you prefer to adorn your nails with Chicken McNuggets rather than a Big Mac? "Sorry," grinned the restaurant chain's mascot, Ronald McDonald (because he couldn't believe he was getting paid to dress like he ordinarily would at home), "but there are no substitutions."
SOURCE: WWW: World Weird Watch
[http://www.worldweirdwatch.com/archive/www126857.html]
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Prejudice May Be Common, But It Rarely Makes Sense
Political leaders in North Carolina are accusing the federal government of a broad overreach of its authority in opposing a state bill requiring transgender people to use public bathrooms conforming to the sex on their birth certificates. "Basic concepts, common sense about privacy and expectations of privacy, are getting thrown out the window by what the Obama administration is trying to do in this," said House Speaker Tim Moore.
The Absurd Ironyometer has resolved to hold it in until reasonably sane politicians are elected to state governments. This may take a long time, so the use of a catheter until then is being seriously considered.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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And, If That's Not Scary Enough, Cheech And Chong Will Make A New Movie To Celebrate Legalization
"If grocery giant Loblaw Cos. Ltd. gets its way, shoppers eventually will be able to walk out of many of its supermarkets with burgers, beer - and marijuana. The [Ontario Safety League] is well aware of reports out of Colorado - where the drug was legalized four years ago - suggesting marijuana-related traffic deaths jumped a terrifying 92% between 2010 and 2014.
"We're believers, as is the rest of the pharmacy industry, that there is a compelling role for pharmacies to distribute medical marijuana," [Executive Chairman of Loblaw Galen G.] Weston told reporters after Loblaw's annual meeting. "It's a big challenge," OSL President and CEO Brian Patterson said recently of legalizing weed.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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What Is "An Excuse To Turn A Statement Into A Question" For 100, Alex?
Monday. CBS. 7:30. Jeopardy! The first night of the "Celebrity World Leader Tournament." American President Donald Trump appears to hold his own with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, at least until the second clue, at which point he storms out of the studio shouting that Jeopardy! is a game for losers and he has more important matters to attend to, like a wall to build. The third contestant, Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel, looks at Trump's exit with a mixture of contempt and envy.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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What, Me Worry About Genetic Inbreeding?
Two more families are suing a sperm bank for misrepresenting the results they could hope for when they used its semen to produce a child, bringing the number of families engaged in the lawsuit to 1,237.
"We were told that our child was going to have the looks of George Clooney," said Matilda X, who could not be named for fear that it would traumatize her child when he was old enough to learn where his college fund came from. "Instead, he looks like Alfred E. Neuman!"
Ted Lavender, lawyer for the company, shrugged and stated, "The user's profile just promised that he was a well known, much loved member of the entertainment establishment. Anything the company's clients may have inferred from this is their own problem!"
When it was pointed out that the profile prominently featured a photograph of the well known, much loved star of ER and numerous movies, including the Ocean's Eleven franchise, Lavender pointed to what appeared to be a blank space under the image.
When I looked at him, puzzled, he handed me a large magnifying glass and pointed to a spot on the screen. In what couldn't have been more than three point type, I read the message: "Any resemblance between the child you conceive using our product and the picture above will be entirely coincidental."
"You can't say that the company's clients weren't warned!" Lavender crowed.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc007&articleID=1124H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1582614B711117]
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