Thank you, E. Molly Entemman, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, there was all this negativity about 2016. "2016 killed my favourite rock star!" "2016 killed my favourite pet!" "2016 killed my favourite parent!" Yeah, yeah - we were getting thoroughly sick of everybody complaining about all the bad things that happened during the course of the year, so we decided to share with the world our top 10 list of everything good that happened to us in 2016:
1. Our cat, Mister Mittens Puss, had 27% fewer hairballs than he did in 2015.
2. The herpes was treatable.
3. There were only three fatalities, and we needed a new car anyway...
4. The...umm...our...there was also...we mean to say - aww, screw it! Three good things are enough for one year! You don't like it, be your own ray of ferking sunshine, sunshine!
5.
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10.
Too Soon, Rudy! Too Soon!
According to President Donald Trump, his inauguration ceremony was "the biggest in the country's history," despite the fact that only Kid Rock and Ted Nugent performed and it would have been over in 20 minutes if Trump hadn't gotten several of his relatives to speak at it. So, how does Trump figure it was the biggest?
"Pathetic Clinton would have cheated. Too much musician fraud. Sad." Trump tweeted at three in the morning.
Trump surrogate Rudy Giuliani added, "The Democrats are great at getting dead musicians to perform at their inaugurations!"
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2017/1/21/politics/main542813.shtml]
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Second Rule Of Basket Of Deplorables: Don't Talk About Basket Of Deplorables!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Science's Biggest Turkeys...
A fertility clinic in the Netherlands has announced that it may have been leaving old sperm on its tools for more than a year. It has offered free DNA tests to 26 women who may have conceived children using the sperm of a man other than the one they had chosen.
"We don't understand how it could have happened," read a statement issued by the clinic. "The procedures we have in place for cleaning the turkey baster are rigourous. Rigourous, I tell you!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1824H3EC-2C195-20K5-AAA1582614B711249]
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Their Position Is Clear As Smog
Twenty Chambers of Commerce around Ontario are asking for the Ontario government to delay implementation of its cap-and-trade programme. The attempt to lessen the province's greenhouse gas emissions took effect on January 1.
"We are not saying that it should be delayed indefinitely," said Manawakaset Chamber of Commerce Chair Leon de la Finke. "It should only be delayed until a Conservative government comes into power and kills it outright."
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=497ddccd7-f6f3-f2f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a634]
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If Only A Few Thousand Other Gun Owners Had Been So Thoughtful, Donald Trump Would Not Now Be President
Conservative gun nut M. D. Harmon, who criticized President Obama for issuing "fatwas" that tried to mandate background checks at gun shows and other gun safety measures, has been shot by a 16 year-old boy. Harmon apparently let the teenager handle one of his guns, which accidentally went off while the boy was holding it.
The absurd ironyometer doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. But, if it's being perfectly honest, it is leaning towards laughing. Leaning heavily towards laughing.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Later On, If I Have The Energy, I Might Write A Wryly Outraged Letter About Brexit To Le Monde
Among its many other virtues (such as not being 2016...okay, especially not being 2016), 2017 will be worth celebrating because it is Canada's 150th birthday.
I'm planning on doing my part. To celebrate Canada's 150th, I'm going to jump into my Audi and drive to the nearest Starbucks to get coffee made with Mexican beans, then return home to watch the Super Bowl (with the American ads left in, thank you very much CRTC) in my pajamas that were made in China.
Nobody's prouder of my country's accomplishments than I am!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Do You Need Any More Indication Of Just How The Two American Administrations Will Differ?
Secretary of State John Kerry made a 20 minute speech about politics in the Middle East. While all of the players in the region came in for criticism, Kerry's sharpest scorn was saved for Israel's policy of enlarging Jewish settlements on Palestinian land, which he argued was the largest impediment to a two state solution, which he claimed was the only realistic path to peace.
President-elect Donald Trump responded with a tweet which read: "Kerry worst SOS ever! So sad. Such a sad doofus."
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/12/27/Artykul/200235,netanyahu-booboo]
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Surge In Marine Wildlife Deaths? It's In The Bag...
Michigan has passed a law that bans municipalities from passing laws that would ban the use of plastic bags by local stores.
"I totally - hack hack - agree with this - cough cough - law," said Morty, a seagull who divides his time between Ludington and the Manistee National Forest. "With many businesses owning - hack hack - locations across the - cough hack - across the state, preventing a - hack hack hack - oh, 'scuse me - a patchwork approach to regulation is - cough cough cough cough COUGH!"
When I asked the seagull what was wrong, it took a moment to catch its breath and answered, "Sorry about that. Got something caught in my throat..."
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=449]
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Oh Lighten Up! It's 2017 - Poetry Can Be Vulgar And Still Win Awards!
The Fuck Not Given
Two opinions diverged on the darkest netSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/737.html]
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