What the Heck Do You Know? Was Sick of World Politics Before They Even Started!
1) The UK, US, Canada, France & Turkey are all guilty of war crimes for illegally bombing Syria. Who will punish them?
a) their consciences (notice how I kept a straight face there? I think the Second City improv classes are really helping my delivery...)
b) the United Na - titter - United - guffaw! - the...the...the Uni - hee hee haw haw - sorry, sorry, I guess the Second City improv classes can only do so much
c) cod. Cod will punish them. And, I'm not talking about the New Testament cod of peace and love. I'm talking about the all-smitey Old Testament cod. That cod will rain a mighty judgement down upon them!
2) What food would you be willing to eat off your lover's body?
a) you used to be able to get no more than a few hors d'oeuvre on him - now, you could eat a whole seven course meal! I think we need to rethink the whole concept of eating...
b) I tried a Caesar salad once, but the croutons kept slipping off her tummy and the dressing gave her a nasty rash
c) anything but cod!
3) George R. R. Martin says that the conclusion to his Song of Fire and Ice series of novels (the basis for the Game of Thrones TV series) will be "bittersweet." In this context, what the hell could "bittersweet" possibly mean?
a) everybody will die a horrible death, but the gorgeous costumes and sets will live on for centuries
b) every human being will die a horrible death, but the dragons won't have to be put on the endangered species list
c) fans will be bitter that the series is over, but Martin will at long last be able to breath the sweet air of freedom
4) Peel Regional Police made 159,000 street checks in the six years between 2009 and 2014. That's one out of 46 residents. At this rate, now long will it take them to do a street check on every person living in Peel?
a) three weeks if they hurry
b) they should be done by 2290
c) oh, you silly! They'll never check everybody - they never stop innocent people!
5) The father of Alison Parker, the television journalist who was shot and killed during a live-to-air report by a disturbed former colleague, has said that he would become a crusader for better gun control. Who is likely to listen to him?
a) police officers
b) soldiers
c) high school students
6) Who won't listen to him, but should?
a) the NRA
b) politicians
c) the NRA again
d) and again
e) and again (cause it's going to take a long time and a lot of repetition for the message to sink in)
7) Prime Minister Stephen Harper has said that if re-elected, his Conservative government would consider joining the United States' Strategic Defense Initiative anti-ballistic missile system. They would only do this if Canada faced a significant threat. What would constitute a significant threat to the Harper Government of Canada?
a) the Empire sending a Death Star to Alberta
b) Alberta helping to send an NDP government to Ottawa
c) the Prime Minister getting a hangnail
8) A photograph in my newspaper shows children holding up signs protesting against Ontario's new curriculum, which includes age appropriate sex education. Assuming their parents couldn't explain to them what the protest was about - purely to protect their innocence, you understand - the children's, I mean, not the innocence of the parents - what did their parents tell them they were doing?
a) playing reverse hide and seek with newspaper journalists...while, umm, holding signs their parents wouldn't read to them
b) protesting the government's plans to tax children's tooth fairy income
c) I'm your mother - just do what I say! You'll understand when you're older!
9) Queen Elizabeth recently achieved a unique distinction that once belonged to Queen Victoria. What distinction would that be?
a) longest petticoat worn by a reining monarch (Henry V actually had one that was longer, but he stopped wearing it before he ascended to the throne)
b) the longest huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in British history (two minutes 27 seconds, eclipsing Victoria's record by 14 seconds - who knew that Liz had the lung capacity?)
c) isn't it obvious? Most annoying offspring! Why do you think Elizabeth has stayed on the throne longer than any other British monarch? To make sure none of those royal gits get it!
10) Donald Trump wants to deport 11 million people who are living in the United States illegally. How does he propose to do this?
a) illegally
b) by building a giant 24 person catapult to hurl them over the wall he wants to build along the Mexican/American border at the same time
c) you actually have to do the things you promise to do during an election? When did that start happening?
11) What will it take before we act?
a) a couple of years' training at Juilliard and practice, practice, practice
b) somebody to fight a liar under your ass...or, something to that effect...
c) a giant 24 person catapult and a maniac with strange hair to light the fuse
12) The Republican dominated Kansas legislature passed a law in 2015 that if the State Supreme Court overturned a law it had passed in 2014 handing the Court's power to appoint judges to local judges, it would stop funding the courts, effectively shutting down the state's justice system. How do Republicans square this with their image of supporting "law and order?"
a) they have expanded their thinking in this area: they now support "the law of the jungle and Darwinian order"
b) you can't rely on justice from judges! That would be like trying to get water from an ocean!
Well, uhh, hopefully you're not that thirsty, anyway...
c) we know the quality of judges we appoint - trust us, everybody will be better off this way!
13) Cleaning out the garage after her husband's death, an undertaker's wife discovered three bodies and other remains, as well as headstones. Had she discovered this while he was still alive, what would an appropriate response have been?
a) asking for a spot on the Maury Povich show
b) asking for a divorce on the spot (but, in a rare reversal, it would really be okay with her if he kept the house)
c) asking for a divorce on Maury Povich, and hoping that 20 years of therapy will be enough
14) The search is on for a time capsule that was buried a century ago below the North Toronto Railway Station. What could be in the time capsule?
a) a bottle of Mother Bubbard's Miracle Cure & Lineamente (with the secret ingredient: ye olde cocaine)
b) the monkey's paw
c) the front page of the Toronto Gleaner and Perpendicular that featured a lengthy article praising Kaiser Wilhelm
15) Axe has been changing its approach to advertising its line of men's grooming products in order to strike "a more mature tone." The whole premise of Axe is that boys will have girls falling all over them if they smell like chemicals, the stronger the chemical smell, the better. How can this message be conveyed with a more mature tone?
a) the chemicals can be given names like "looking into the abyssol" and "existentialene"
b) with clips from the film Harold and Maude
c) the boys can be depicted smoking pipes and reading Camus (except, of course, in jurisdictions where minors are prohibited from reading Camus)
16) Was the pain of childbirth worth it?
a) absolutely! It helped me forget the traumatic head injury I sustained in Iraq!
b) absolutely! It helped my wife become a much stronger person!
What?
c) absolutely! It helped me realize what an insensitive dick my husband is!
17) In response to the Pope's speech to the American Congress in which he emphasized climate change and social and economic justice, Anne Coulter tweeted, "I'm an American and this is why our founders (not "immigrants"!) distrusted Catholics & wouldn't make them citizens." After the GOP debate, she tweeted, "Cruz, Huckabee Rubio all mentioned ISRAEL in their response to: ‘What will AMERICA look like after you are president,'" following it up with: "How many f---ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?" What religion should she make bigoted remarks about next?
a) Zoroastrians - they've had it easy for too long!
b) the Cult of the Dead Cow - ritual sacrifice has no place in modern society, even if it is of one of the dumbest mammals on the pla - what? What do you mean it's not a religion? It's a cult, isn't it?
c) Republicanism or the NRA - some choices are too difficult to be taken lightly
18) According to one poll, 40 per cent of Americans believe that if a wall is built on the country's border with Mexico, a second wall should be built along the border with Canada. Yes, Canada! What would this accomplish?
a) it might finally stop Michael Moore from making films comparing the two countries' medical systems and attitudes towards guns
b) inmates in American prisons would have enough work to last centuries!
c) it sure would wipe the smiles off the faces of those smug Canuckistanians, wouldn't it? Bastards thinking they're better than us...
19) Kansas State says it will pay a $5,000 fine after its marching band shaped itself into the rival Jayhawk mascot and what appeared to be a large phallus during a halftime show. What must the pep rallies where they thought that one up have been like?
a) exciting
b) excited
c) this is why we need better sex education in the public school system!
20) Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
a) not me - I've had all my shots!
b) I am - could you please turn on the night light before you leave the room?
c) well...that literary reference was employed to no good purpose!
