What the Heck Do You Know? Threw Up a Little Bit in Its Mouth
1) What is a "fun-sized terrorist?"
a) a character in a computer game like Call of Duty 2: Ring Around the Caller Duty
b) a tiny terrorist who tickles you under your arms before he blows you up
c) what American predator drone pilots who work at Creech air force base near Las Vegas call a small blip on their screen (something known in the world outside Creech air force base as a child); so, yeah, pretty much answer a
2) According to a recent survey, 30 per cent of Republican primary voters support bombing raids on Agrabah, the home of the Disney character Aladdin. What does this tell us about the American education system?
a) the United States is doomed
b) the world is doomed
c) finally, somebody is doing something about Disney, the real threat to America's future! And, no, I'm not just saying that because The Force Awakens ruined my childhood memories!
3) Assume spending limits for an election are determined by the length of the campaign. If a campaign's length is doubled, how will this affect the limit on how much candidates can spend?
a) it will go down by half
b) it will go up by half
c) it will go down by half before going up by half and eventually spiralling out of control
4) Which of the following terms are slang on the Internet and which are on the Northern Michigan Lake Superior State University's List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness?
a) halt and catch a Xanax in your teeth
b) Netflix and take a pill
c) stakeholders join the conversation about vaping
d) so, so so or oh so so so
e) let your fleek flag fly
f) a little dab'll screw ya
g) all of the above
5) Who said, "I had the weirdest life ever?"
a) Walter Mitty
b) Jefferson Plutonium of 51254 Rural Route Kelvin
c) Barry Drewmore (not her real name)
6) The Koch brothers backed Jeb Bush for the Republican nomination for President. On the campaign trail, he has looked like a beached whale - he's badly being beaten by a man about whom the sanest thing can be said is that his hair looks like a squirrel crawled onto his head and died. What does this tell us about modern American politics?
b) things don't always go better with Koch
c) Koch-blocking - not just for frustrated teenagers and fratboys any more!
a) a billion dollars doesn't buy as much political influence as it used to
7) According to Ontario's budget watchdog, the planned privatization of Hydro One will cost the government up to $500 million in lost revenue a year. That's on top of the poorer service and higher prices that always come with privatizing a public utility. How much must Premier Kathleen Wynne have enjoyed drinking the free market Kool-Aid?
a) enough to name the Minister of Transportation her designated driver
b) enough to share it with her entire cabinet
c) too much
8) When must an employer offer me a permanent job?
a) after you have died - you really need to look at your union leadership's negotiating skills a little more closely...
b) when the twin moons of Gondorla are eclipsed by the sun being drawn across the sky by Herricot's chariot
c) permanent job? Where did you get that idea? Would you care for a glass of refreshing free market Kool-Aid to cool down your obviously overheated brain?
9) What's the first thing you would do as Prime Minister?
a) brush my teeth (because you wouldn't want to give your first speech to Parliament with anything less than minty fresh breath)
b) go over the list of promises made in my election platform to see which I can ignore until the voters forget about them
c) ask the President if I could do something about American guns coming through the border (often with people attached)
10) What would happen if the moon exploded?
a) Neal Stephenson would be hailed as a prophet
b) the Blondie song "The Tide is High" would lose all relevance
c) Republicans would blame President Obama for not being tough enough on Islamofascisterrorbadness
11) What is a "lactivist?"
a) an activist who lacks focus on any one issue
b) an archivist of information about Chinese people whose name is La
c) an activist who milks their subject for all it's worth
12) What lessons can we learn from war?
a) it's bad
b) it's really, really bad, like imagine the baddest thing you can and then multiply that by a gabrillion
c) once you've used up one generation of gung-ho, idealistic youths, you never have to wait long for another one to take its place
13) British astronaut Time Peake tweeted an apology after he called the wrong number from the International Space Station and said, "Hello, is this planet Earth?" How can you tell if you are being prank called, or if the person on the other end of the line is calling from outer space?
a) somebody in the background is shouting, "I canna do i', Cap'n! The warp engines canna take any more!"
b) your phone bill for that month is calculated in Galactic Credits
c) your uncle who nobody in the family likes to talk about calls you from Alaska to ask if that's really you on the television talking to somebody on the freaking space station
14) "Crusaders and Jews don't dare to come on the ground because they were defeated in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Jews thought we forgot Palestine and that they had distracted us from it... Not at all, Jews," said Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in a recent video. This man was once in American custody, but was released. Who was responsible for letting al-Baghdadi go?
a) according to The Telegraph, al-Baghdadi was released in 2009 by current President Barack Obama
b) according to the Pentagon, al-Baghdadi was released in 2004 by then President George W. Bush
c) according to my uncle Ferdinand's bum spleen, al-Baghdadi was released in 2017 BC by Moloch al-Ninny, the goofiest of the Pharaohs
15) First, they changed the term "climate change denier" to "climate change skeptic." Now, the Associated Press style guide recommends the term "climate change doubter." When this proves too toxic to people who insist, against all reputable evidence, that human activity has not changed the global climate, what euphemism will they demand to be referred to by next?
a) climate change pooh poohers
b) climate change oh you silly billyers
c) climate change ostriches with their heads in the sand (but, in a good way)ers
16) Donald Trump wants to make American great again - it says so right on his hat! When was the last time America was great?
a) the Plasticine era (when he was just a young lad)
b) when he was hosting Miss America (the woman in his home, not the pageant on television)
c) before he decided to run for President?
17) What is "affluenza?"
a) a contagious disease that only affects one human being on the planet: Ben Affleck
b) a description of Gilbert Gottfried's treatment at the hands of an insurance company
c) a legal argument that makes the Twinkie defence look like Clarence Freaking Darrow (but, don't try this at home: it only applies to really, really, really, really, really rich people)
18) Match the archaic law that the British Parliament is considering abolishing with the argument for getting rid of it:
a) a ban on firing a cannon within 275 meters of a dwelling
b) handling a salmon under suspicious circumstances
c) riding a horse drunk
i) you can't expect me to repel a ground invasion by the Fergusons two doors down without heavy artillery!
ii) what a man does in the privacy of his own home with a freshwater fish is nobody else's business!
iii) today's equines come equipped with so much digital technology it's just about impossible to fall off of them no matter how much Rickard's Stout (but on a Diet) you've imbibed!
19) A day after Pope Francis met with Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, the Vatican issued a statement saying that the meeting wasn't intended to support Davis' opposition to gay marriage, even though she insists that her refusal to issue marriage licences to gay couples stems from the teachings of the Catholic Church. If the meeting wasn't about the Pope supporting Davis' position, what did the two actually talk about?
a) they mostly talked trash about Hillary Clinton's position on Benghazi
b) they mostly talked about how much they admired Hillary Clinton's position on Benghazi
c) they consoled each other over how little they understand Muslims and Jews
20) What are Junami, Kanzi, Ambrosia and Honeycrisp?
a) good stripper names
b) Asian card games
c) great stripper names
d) varieties of apple
e) other superlative adjective that can be applied to stripper names
