"Donald?"
"Mmmm?"
"Donald!"
"Go 'way. Busy."
"Donald!"
"What? Can't you see I'm working, here?"
"You're watching a Road Runner cartoon!"
"Hey! Don't look at me with that tone of voice! Everything I need to know I learned from Road Runner cartoons. In life, you're either swift and agile and make funny noises or you're buried under a ton of rocks. To you, this might be just another children's cartoon, but to my brilliant mind, it's a most important life lesson!"
"Erm..."
"Aww, now the show is over. Fine. This better be important."
"It is important. We -"
"What is so important?"
"It's about the campaign. We -"
"What about the campaign? I think the campaign is going very well."
"Okay. Yes. Absolutely. The campaign is going very well. It's just that we -"
"Well, that's okay, then. Why are you -"
"Wehavenomoney!"
"What?"
"We have no money."
"What are you talking about? I'm a billionaire. I have lots of money."
"The campaign, Donald. We don't have any money. In the bank."
"How much?"
"You mean, in the bank? The campaign has -"
"No, I mean under your mattress! Of course I mean in the bank! Numbskull..."
"The campaign has $23.97 in the bank."
"That's not a lot."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you."
"Still, not a problem for The Donald."
"You're going to put some of your own money into the campaign?"
"Don't be an idiot. I'm gonna talk to the media. I got them eating out of my ass!"
"Donald, I don't know if -"
"Hey, guys! Did you know that Hillary Clinton posed for nude pictures to finance her Senate campaign?"
"Donald, I really don't think -"
"Really?" "She did that?" "Really? Do you have them?" "Can we see them?" "Ooh, why would anybody want to see that?" "Don't be ageist! There's a market for everything!" "It will mean the end of her career!" "Not necessarily. Rumours that Richard Nixon had made a sex tape didn't hurt his career!" "Those were more innocent times. Nowadays -"
"You see? They love me."
"Okay, see, this is the problem right here. You're scaring off major Republican donors with your lies -"
"The Donald never lies."
"Right. Sorry. With your 'exaggerations.' Your 'rhetorical flourishes.' Your 'hyperactive imaginings.' Your -"
"Yeah, yeah. Enough with the flattery. What's your point?"
"My point is that it costs a billion dollars to run a presidential election campaign. Clinton's well on her way to getting it. You...whenever you talk to the media, a conservative's heart shrinks three sizes, and it makes it that much harder to get the money we need to run a proper campaign."
"Hey! I can do the math. A third of nothing is still nothing!"
"How are we going to be able to saturate the airwaves with ads if we don't have money?"
"Boy, for a Harvard grad you sure are stupid. I'm telling you we don't need to do any of that stuff. Listen -"
"Donald, no!"
"Elizabeth Warren is part of a coven of lesbian witches that bathes in the blood of babies in order to put a spell on enough men to vote Hillary Clinton into office."
"Really?" "Do you know where this coven is based?" "Like, seriously? Do you have any photos of their rituals?" "Who else is in the coven? Anybody, you know, younger, maybe?" "Could Warren be over 300 years old? Maybe this is part of some long-term English plan to destroy the Republic!" "I always knew she was up to no good!" "Yeah. She was always way too confident for a girl!"
"You see? As long as they love me, I don't need to pay for promotion. Why should I pay for publicity when I can get it for free? I didn't become a billionaire by being stupid, you know."
"But, Donald, you know Clinton is going to run ads in swing states attacking you. You need to have the money to run ads to fight back."
"So...so...so you want me to what?"
"Dial down the rhetoric a little."
"Whuuuuuuuuut?!"
"Just until wealthy Republican can get comfortable enough with you to start donating to your campaign."
"No. Un uh. No way."
"Why not?"
"You want me to be just like every other politician, but the whole point of my campaign is that I'm not just another politician. Watch -"
"Oh...no..."
"Hillary Clinton was directly responsible for the shooting in Orlando - and her secret emails can prove it!"
"Really?" "Those emails are just a treasure trove of sleaze!" "No, really? I mean, I always knew the Orlando shooter couldn't have acted alone, but I never realized just how high up it went!" "I don't know - I have a tough time believing that if she was involved, Clinton wouldn't have pulled the trigger herself. You sure Clinton wasn't the actual Orlando shooter?" "Do you have pictures? I don't even know of what, I just...I just like pictures..."
"What can I say? I just gotta be me."