Headlines Are Waiting For Fu Manchu Moustaches To Come Back Into Style
(Don't Tell Headlines That They Never Were In Style, You'll Only Hurt Their Feelings)

Ah, The Headline Writer Must Have Been In Fine Fetal When They Wrote That

"Literacy fans, let's test your metal" - Globe and Mail

You...Do Know Who You Write For, Don't You?

"Do facts even matter anymore?" - Toronto Sun

 "Stephen Harper's proud legacy
History will view him well" - Toronto Sun

Get More Votes Than The Other One?

"What each must do to win" - Globe and Mail

 Actually, Labour Economists Have Anticipated Exactly That Since The 1980s
Maybe You Should Have Invited Them To Your Tea Socials...

"The Backlash Against Trade
Deals are under attack in much of the world, because economists failed to anticipate the accompanying joblessness, and governments failed to help" - New York Times

Which Does, On The Other Hand, Make Them Consistent With All Of His Other Stated Policy Positions

"Yakabuski: Trump's comments on monetary policy are inconsistent" - Globe and Mail

For Those Of You Who Were Still Harbouring Illusions That The Economy Is Rational...

"Markets soar despite Paris violence" - Toronto Star

 "Despite gains, Canada's job market under strain" - Globe and Mail

 "Apple shares fall despite strong iPhone sales" - Toronto Star

 "Oil extends rally despite glut worries" - Globe and Mail

 "Torstar posts solid earnings despite weak advertising" - Toronto Star

 "Markets defy disappointing jobs reports" - Toronto Star

 "National Bank shares drop despite gain in profit" - Globe and Mail

 "Montreal IT company sees profit slump despite debt" - Toronto Star

 McDonald's shares on the rise, but analysts still aren't loving it
Though the chain's stock has climbed 267 per cent in 10 years, many still label it 'sell' or 'hold'" - Globe and Mail

 "Discordant note from short-sellers on Enbridge
Despite analysts' positive views, others may see valuation as too rich as investors chase yield" - Globe and Mail

 "Loonie rallies despite bad employment news" - Toronto Star

 "VW sales and profits jump despite emissions scandal" - Toronto Star

Uses Sans Serif Font For Sternly Worded Memo

"Trudeau gets blunt with China over human rights" - Toronto Star

Tactics Which, Oddly Enough, Do Not Rely on Sans Serif Fonts

"Erdogan turns to authoritarian tactics to punish opponents after failed coup" - Globe and Mail

Drinking The Kool-Aid Together Does?

"Just being your sister doesn't make her 'family'" - Toronto Sun

It Has A National Habitation Problem - A Very Different Thing

"Canada doesn't have a national housing problem" - Globe and Mail

Politicians: Not If We Say They're - Glub Glub Glub!

"Scientists: Global Warming Floods Are Here" - New York Times

After All, Politics Is A Full Contract Sport

"Ontario Liberals offer contact extensions to teachers' unions" - Globe and Mail

It's Going South - And Not In A Good Way - Anyway, So May As Well Give Conservatives Somebody To Blame

"Mulroney urges PM to take charge of the Energy East file" - Globe and Mail

If It Helps, I've Got A Loverly Bunch...

"Are we running out of coconuts?" - Toronto Sun

Convincing The Convinced May Be Emotionally Gratifying, But...

"How to win a pipeline debate?
Convince the unconvinced" - Globe and Mail

 For Purposes Of This Article, It Is
Sorry: FOR PURPOSES OF THIS ARTICLE, IT IS

"EXTRA! THIS HEADLINE IS NOT THE FULL STORY" - Globe and Mail

 Mao Would Have Approved
Or Sent Everybody Involved To A Collective Farm In The Country
He Could Be Unreadable That Way

"A great leap forward
This stylish new minivan has great technology to satisfy today's demanding families" - Toronto Star

Never! At Least, Not Until Roberto Benigni Makes A Comedy On The Subject

"Are audiences growing sick of slave narratives?" - Toronto Star

The Fact That You're Shouting Suggests A Certain Desperation

"IS A PLAYOFF SPOT TOO MUCH TO ASK?" - Globe and Mail

Yeah, Yeah - You Probably Kick Kittens, Too!

"Turns out, not everything is better with bacon" - Toronto Star

In Fact, He Was Emphatic On On The Subject

"McNeil opposed to carbon plan
Nova Scotia Premier joins Saskatchewan's Wall in in publicly rejecting a federally imposed price" - Globe and Mail

Ashley Madison Responded: "Oooh, That Felt Good. Slam Me There Again!"

"Watchdog slams Ashley Madison over privacy failures - Globe and Mail

Isn't That The Way The System Is Supposed To Work?

"Billy Bush's new lawyer defends him" - Toronto Star

Workers' Optimism At An All Time Low: Hearsay

"Executives' optimism on the rise: survey" - Globe and Mail

If She Hadn't Been Focused On Her Cellphone, She May Have Only Sideswiped The Moose And Survived

"Girl, 13, dies in collision with moose" - Toronto Star

The Rote Trick Of The Biopic So Nice They Called It Out Twice

"Nation: Film features every every rote trick of the biopic genre" - Globe and Mail

You'll Know The Mediapocalypse Has Arrived When Television Shows Come In Convenient Pill Form

"Shrinking media a 'worrisome' trend
Business model is at risk, Torstar chair tells MPs studying state of business" - Toronto Star

Thus Proving Nietzsche's Theory Of Eternal Recurrence

"Canadian timber firms facing U.S. softwood duties" - Globe and Mail

If You Find Yourself In A Corkscrew Economy, Just...Make Margaritas!

"THE LADDER
'If you find yourself in a horizontal market...just carve out a vertical niche'" - Globe and Mail