Thank you, Hulk Yellowstone, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we kept hearing this radio ad for a voice activated digital helper named Alexa. And, every time she got to the line, "I can control your life," we wondered what the point was. After all, we can get a human significant other to run our lives - we don't need an electronic version. Is Amazon trying to put gold diggers and himbos out of business? Is there no end to this age's electronic madness?
Then, somebody pointed out that the line was "I can control your lights." Not life. Lights. And, we thought, Give it time, friend. You'll see. Just give it a little time...
Enjoy,The Fate Of The World Hangs In The...Naah - Too Obvious
French President Emmanuel Macron came to Washington, kissed President Donald Trump on both cheeks and was given grooming tips for his troubles. While there, he made the case that the United States should not back out of the Iran nuclear deal because, well, nuclear war wouldn't be good for his popularity (outside of his base, he meant). And, an unthinkable number of people would die.
President Trump nodded and seemed to agree with him. Unfortunately, after President Macron left, President Trump went back to having briefings with Secretary of State John Bolton, whose idea of diplomacy is hitting anybody who isn't an American leader with a heavy blunt instrument until they are too insensate to disagree with American foreign policy. Also: he hates the Iran deal.
Macron. Bolton. Bolton. Macron. In a battle between the two, who would win the debate on Iran? This complex calculation can be summed up in a simple illustration:
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=957&dir=bb]
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We'll All Have To Get Our Own Slushies Now
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon was quietly euthanized last night. He was 29 years old. Nahasapeemapetilon, known to his friends and detractors as simply Apu, had been in failing health for several years due to changing perceptions and acceptance of racial stereotypes, and a massive coronary brought on by hypertension. Apu is survived by distant relatives Moe Szyslak, Carl Carlson, Chief Wiggum and Comic Book Guy.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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When You Have A Narrative, Everybody Looks Like A Foreign Terrorist
Even as the body count in the attack on a Toronto street was being totalled, American commentators were quick to label it a foreign terror attack. "Muslimy Muslims doing horrible Islamic stuff!" Fox News on-air jackass Sean Hannity proclaimed. "About the only thing the driver didn't do was shout about all the virgins he was going to get when the cops shot him that he wasn't getting in this life!
The problem with the media's preferred narrative is that the man who drove a white van on the sidewalk, killing 10 and injuring 15, was white. He had red hair and freckles. His name was Paddy O'Lantern. Does it get any more Irish than that? By which I mean, white?
"Apologists for radical Islam are claiming that the terrorist of Toronto was not a Muslim," Hannity bluffed his way through. "Well, guess what? Irish people are not white!"
Let the online shouting matches begin.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/majunder-jones-jones1.html]
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Ten Louisiana Senators have voted against a bill that would expand the state's current four-word bestiality law with requirements for mental evaluations, as well as punishments for trafficking. Why? They're afraid that the bill, which would rewrite the state's unconstitutional "crimes against nature" statute, will legitimize sex with Roombas.
"This bill was written because the far left wants to undermine our other laws that protect family and traditional values that the people of Louisiana hold dear," said Republican state Senator Ryan Gatti. "The Bible clearly states that a man shall not lie with appliance. If we do not take a stand here, there will be anarchy, I tell you. Anarchy!"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Vishnu Were Here
A Hamilton officer has been found not guilty of discreditable conduct under the Police Services Act for a street check of a man who turned out to be the God Vishnu.
Constable Andrew Pfeifer was charged with performing an "arbitrary or unjustified" street check. His defence was that he was not prejudiced against blue skinned men with four arms; he asked Vishnu, whom he did not recognize because of the heavy winter coat he was wearing, where he had come from and what his business in the neighbourhood was because he was...lotusing. That was it. Lotusing on private property. Lotusing...with intent.
"I'm just passing through," Vishnu stated. "But, I can't help but think that there is something balmy about this whole carding nonsense. Something positively balmy!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591831813&call_pageid=968335278492&col=960296964688]
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Mister Rodger's Neighbourhood
1 day, we'll all look back on this and cry) What is an incel?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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