by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
In a blonde bombshell revelation (yes, ale may have been consumed), a high ranking official in the Bushbamclintreagbush government has been accused of unsecreting the names of workers in the McDruhitmumpf campaign in TOP SECRET security documents.
"This is outrageous!" President McDruhitmumpf (who knows something from outrageous, believe you me) tweeped at 3:47 this morning. "This dirty trick is biger, Much bigger than Fenwickgate! So, get off my back aboot it all ready!"
"It's pronounced Fennickgate, you bloody American swine!" interjected British Ambassador to the United States of Vesampucceri Sir Anthony Winston Tallyhorotehwatt. "Fen. Ick. Gate. Fennickgate! Not bloody fen. Wick. Gate! Honestly, when you went your own way, we should have insisted you create your own bloody language!"
When it was pointed out that the President had not spoken the name of the country, but had written it down, Ambassador Tallyhorotehwatt responded, "I could hear the error in the way he wrote - bloody Yank rotter!"
When he was asked about the substance of the allegations against the Dumboprats, Ambassador Tallyhorotehwatt sniffed and huffed (somebody should really take that paper bag away from him) and replied, "It's not my place to criticize bloody foreign governments, is it?"
The Vesampuccerian intelligence community (so loosely called that an elephant could wear it with minimal nipping and tucking) is not allowed to surveill Vesampuccerian citizens because badness. Very much badness. However, when it monitors communications between foreign nationals, Vesampuccerian citizens are sometimes referred to. What to do, what to do? Oh, oh, I know: pay a gorilla to use a magic marker to black out the names of Vesampuccerian citizens so the nosy busybodies in Congress don't find out who they are! How'd I do? How'd I do?
"Weeeeeellllll, it's a liiiiitle more complicated than that," responded token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, scratching me vigourously behind the ears. "For instance, the gorilla has two weeks of training before it's let loose with a magic marker. But, yeah, nosy busybodies in Congress does capture the essence of the process."
Most of the time, the gorilla is as successful at its job as Clark Kent's glasses are at theirs. However, people with high enough security clearance - especially members of the House and Senate Unintelligence Committees and the janitorial staff, not to mention, for reasons that are historically obscure, housewife Myrna Breckinleiberstoll - can ask for the names to be unsecreted.
This need not be nefarious. Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that there are legitimate reasons for names in Top Secret documents being unsecreted. If, for example, two Fenwickian diplomats are discussing the flatulence of a Vesampuccerian diplomat, somebody on one of the unintelligence committees might ask for the person's name so that he can be taken aside and made aware of "his little problem."
As it happens, Abigail SanRicearooney, the official accused of the unsecreting, is a junior data analyst in the State Department's Colo-rectal Division (their analysis goes deep). Basically, he job is to keep the coffee pipeline to the senior analysts open to keep them sharp. Her security clearance is Festering Flamingo: she is not allowed to unsecret her own name without a court order and the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
Yes, she asked the Federal Bureau of Instigations to unsecret some names in a document about the ties between the McDruhitmumpf presidential campaign and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. They laughed so hard that three agents had to be hospitalized with busted guts.
A request for unsecreting names is like having a boyfriend: just because you ask where it was last night doesn't mean you'll get an answer. In the final (publicly cleared) analysis, it appears that the process worked as it was supposed to and that no harm was -
"No! No! No!" President McDruhitmumpf tweepsisted. "This is bigger than donutgate...mmm, donutgate! Why arent yuo taking is serious?"
"Because your insistence that something nefarious happened is an obvious attempt to divert public attention away from the growing Fenwick scandal?" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam mused. "And, please note that I pronounce it Fen-ick, not Fen-wick."
"Thank you!" Ambassador Tallyhorotehwatt enthused. "Good to see that not all Yanks are absolutely bloody daft!" After a moment, he added, "And, I mean that in the most non-political way possible."
"No! No! No! No! No!" President McDruhitmumpf tweepshrilled. "That's not - I meen it's just - Steve, help me out, here!"
As he has been since the election, Presidential Adviser Steve O'Bannonallhope was silent. Deadly, but silent.