Small Hands on Deck!

In baseball, it's known as an unforced error. It happens when a fielder on a simple ground hit throws the ball to the second baseman, because he hallucinated that there was a man on first, or throws the ball into the stands because he thought the first baseman was up there getting a hot dog and beer, or transforms the ball into a handkerchief in the mistaken belief that he's Penn Gillette.

In the Trump White House, it's known as Tuesday.

President Trump spoke for half an hour by phone to that bastion of investigative journalism, Fox and Friends. By the time he was finished, hosts Brian Kilmeade, Steve Doocey and Ainsley Earhardt looked like characters in a horror movie who had just seen their best friend skewered by a serial killer and knew that they were next.

Below you will find some of the highlights of the interview, an attempt to translate statements from Trumpese into actual English and a Truthometer reading.

STATEMENT: Look, it was very, very nasty with Little Rocket Man and with the buttons - and, you know, my button's bigger than - everybody said this guy's going to get us into nuclear war.
TRANSLATION: I have dealt with trials that would have made lesser presidents - who everybody says was all of them - wet their panties in fear and frustration. The two Fs everybody calls them. But, I'm an aleph male. I'm not fearful or...or...or whatever the other F was!
TRUTHOMETER: 80% truthful. A lot of people were saying that somebody was going to get us into a nuclear war - Trump just misidentified whom they were talking about.

STATEMENT: If you go back to the Civil War it was the Republicans that really did the thing.
TRANSLATION: Black people shouldn't hate me. Kanye West doesn't hate me. Why do black people hate me?
TRUTHOMETER: 62% truthful. Republicans really did do the thing that dare not speak its name (free the slaves) when the President is talking. But Trump's Republican Party is as much like the party of Lincoln as tinned cat food is to the annual Correspondents Dinner.

STATEMENT: I've taken the position - and I don't have to take this position and maybe I'll change - that I will not be involved with the Justice Department. I will wait until this is over.
TRANSLATION: I'm not going to interfere with the investigation into whether I interfered in the election...unless I do. At which point, I will.
TRUTHOMETER: 100% truthful. Trump will do whatever Trump wants to do.

STATEMENT: I'm very disappointed in my Justice Department but because of the fact that it's going under, and I think you'll understand this, I have decided that I won't be involved. I may change my mind at some point because what's going on is a disgrace.
TRANSLATION: In case you didn't get my threat the first time, I'd like to make it again. Everybody says I'm too subtle...
TRUTHOMETER: 100% truthful. Again. Unfortunately.

STATEMENT: [FBI Director Comey] does these memos and then fake news CNN - who's a total fake - you know, they give Hillary Clinton the questions to the debate and nobody - can you imagine, by the way, if you gave me the questions to a debate?
TRANSLATION: [garbled]
TRUTHOMETER: 5% truthful. His sentence was made up entirely of recognizable English words, after all.

STATEMENT: So the special counsel - and by the way, and Intelligence Committee and everybody else has found no collusion. There's no collusion with me and the Russians.
TRANSLATION: My trained seals in Congress are very good at clapping. I'm going to pretend that everybody else in the world is, too.
TRUTHOMETER: 19% truthful. The Intelligence Committee, run by a guy who was intimately involved in Trump's election campaign (Washington is so incestuous - instead of offering to drain the swamp, Trump should have promised to kick everybody out of the bedroom!), did release a report exonerating Trump and the campaign. Nobody else has. Trump is clearly concerned that nobody else will.

STATEMENT: I don't watch them at all. I watched last night.
TRANSLATION: I'm a living, breathing Epimenides paradox.
TRUTHOMETER: 50% truthful. Half of this sentence is truthful, but knowing which half is tricky.

STATEMENT: I'm really proud of the job we've done for the VA because we got - we're working right now on choice and really big - but we got rid of so many rules and regulations that made it impossible and we're really doing great at the VA.
TRANSLATION: Something's happening at the VA, and you don't know what it is, do you, Mister Jones?
TRUTHOMETER: You can't determine the truth value of a statement you can't follow.
STATEMENT: The Democrats are obstructionists. It's horrible what they're doing. They're not approving people.
TRANSLATION: I like Doctor Ronnie - why is everybody being so mean to him?
TRUTHOMETER: 23% truthful. The Party of Lincoln appears to have adopted the rhetorical stance "I'm rubber and you're glue; what you say bounces off me and sticks to you." Exhibit A: Mitch McConnell's filibustering of...pretty much everything the Obama administration tried to do. Lincoln must be turning in his grave so quickly you could use him to drill subway holes in the ground!

STATEMENT: All [Iranians] do is scream "Death to America, death to America." And by the way, they're not screaming it so much anymore.
TRANSLATION: Unlike weakies like the guy I replaced, tough guys like me get things done.
TRUTHOMETER: 49% truthful. Yes, Iranians used to scream that - it is apparently one of the few videos from the past that President Trump is willing to acknowledge. But the implication that they no longer say it because he's such a tough guy is like saying that the gun violence in America is rampant because polar bears are facing extinction. Both true. Connection? Tenuous...

STATEMENT: We really accomplished a lot. More than anybody knows. You'll be seeing what we accomplished.
TRANSLATION: French President Macron and I got a lot of press coverage. Did you see me flicking imaginary lint of his lapel? We're best friends for li...wait, who was I talking about again?
TRUTHOMETER: 89% truthful for press coverage; 12% truthful for actions that might help anybody other than President Trump.

STATEMENT: I better not get into that because I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get [Trump's wife Melania] so much. You know, I'm very busy - to be running out looking for presents, OK? But I got her a beautiful card and some beautiful flowers.
TRANSLATION: I bought my wife years ago - ongoing affection wasn't part of the price.
TRUTHOMETER: 100% truthful. Oh, yeah. The Truthometer totally buys this.

STATEMENT: They also like to always talk about Electoral College. Well, it's an election based on the Electoral College. I would rather have a popular election but it's a totally different campaign. I got 306 and she got what, 223. So, remember - there was no way to break 270.
TRANSLATION: I won! I won! I won! I won! I won the election! My presidency is totally legitimate!





Why? What have you heard?
TRUTHOMETER: This is a matter of opinion. Can the Truthometre plead the fifth?