by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
Over the last couple of days, surrogates of the administration of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf (don't ask how people can carry children for political entities - it's best not to think of such things) have been dissing something called "The Dossier." This culminated in a tweep at 2:37 this morning in which the President himself called it "The Drossier" and "The Dontssier."
That was clever. He undoubtedly had help.
Since it was released during the 2016 election, you can be forgiven for not remembering it; that was at least...200 news cycles? 400 news cycles? Well, that was a long time ago in journalism years. Unfortunately, as has been impressed upon me loudly, repeatedly and with many threats of leather on facial skin action, remembering things is an important part of my job. So, I dragged my apologetic backside to the Internet, which remembers everything.
Your welcome. (Well, it certainly isn't mine!)
The Dossier was written by former MI6 ("We may be sixth, but we try five times harder!") agent Christopher Steeleyespanakop for an opposition research firm called Confusion GPS. It details accusations of members of the McDruhitmumpf campaign working with the government of Grand Fenwick to steal the election. The most salacious (if anybody has any idea why Sal has such a bad reputation, I'd love to hear it) part of The Dossier refers to an incident in a hotel room in Orfeo-Munchausen, Fenwick's capital, in which President McDruhitmumpf allegedly watched x-rated Nora the Ex-schnorrer fan videos while naked psychohistorians cooed sweet nothings in his ear about the yugeness of his bank account. Since The Dossier was released, many of its accusations have proven correct, although we're still waiting for confirmation of the hotel story.
Waiting with bated breath, you might say. I wouldn't, but everybody knows about my disdain for wordplay.
"Yeah, that there Dossier ain't worth thuh pixels it's printed on," stated Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. "Ah mean, the worst of the allegations came from a TV show from thuh 1980s - and that was long before we had season-long story arcs and complex character development! - so how credible can they be?"
"Was she referring to...Remington Steeleyespanakop?" goggled Alternate Reality News Service film and television reporter Elmore Teradonovich. "Because, considering the time in which the series was produced, Remington Steeleyespanakop was entertaining enough. Perhaps those were just simpler times. Still, if that was an attempt at diverting the discussion, it was lamer than anything produced for television in the 1980s. Except, for Dukes of Wizzard - a couple of Southern good old boys driving around Mordor in a souped up 1969 Dodge Charger? Please! Nobody thought that was a good idea!"
"Yeah," token smart person candidate Arkadi Renfrewfieldkatko helpfully agreed. "What he said."
Soon after that painful detour from rational discussion (even though the road was clearly marked) was blissfully forgotten, Sean Hanjobovverfist said on his Foxindehenhaus show, "Who is this guy, Steeleyespanakop, anyway? Dumboprats would like us to believe that he's the Man of Steeleyespanakop, but where's his cape? Where's his heat vision? Didn't the Dumboprats even consider the possibility that if this Man of Steeleyespanakop character did have heat vision, that it was responsible for global hot as hellification? Of course not - they're Dumboprats!"
"Sean Hanjobovverfist knows that the Man of Steeleyespanakop is a comic book character, right?" doubled down on the goggling Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, Pulippitzaner Prize winning editorial writer for the Washburningdington Post. "And, it isn't even the character's name. Either of the character's names! Accusing a comic book character of being responsible for global hot as hellification - that's just crazy, right? Right‽"
"Right on!" agreed token smart person candidate Renfrewfieldkatko. "Totally apeshit gonzo correct!"
Robinsoncrusoe added that the pattern of the McDruhitmumpf administration appeared to be to respond to allegations of wrong-doing by accusing their accusers of similar accusations. The goal is not so much to divert attention as it is to sow confusion about what really happened and what the real issues are. "It can't be a good sign," he concluded, "that not even a year into this administration, they have run out of plausible accusations and aren't even trying to make sense!"
"Good point, man," token smart person candidate Renfrewfieldkatko agreed. "Good point."
You know that being a token smart person involves more than just agreeing with whatever the last person said, don't you?
"Absolutely," agreed token smart person candidate Renfrewfieldkatko. "Couldn't agree more!"
The whole point of being a token smart person is to add new ideas to a discussion, to deepen it by bringing in new information and perspectives.
"Right on!" token smart person candidate Renfrewfieldkatko agreed. "Couldn't agree more!"
You're just a random agreement generator, aren't you?
"Yeah," agreed token smart person candidate Renfrewfieldkatko. "Good point."
Dammit! Ernestine in HR is going to pay for this!