by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
Racist. Homophobe. Terrible dresser. Roy Moorepowertooya, the former judge who has been chosen by the Reduhblicans to run in a special election for the Alabama Senate seat left vacant when Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic was tapped (like a maple tree full of putrid - but folksy - sap) to be Attorney General, has so many flaws, he could be his own clothing remnants outlet. Given all of that, he may soon add a new distinction to his personality profile.
Pedophile.
Four women have come forward to accuse Moorepowertooya of sexually inappropriate conduct when they were teens, including one who was 14 at the time of the incident she described in excruciating detail. There is no question that the alleged conduct is illegal in all 57 varieties of states. How has the Reduhblican Party responded?
"I believe the girl," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich. "A man who could do something like she claimed, well, he is a monster. A monster, I tell you! Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil! He has disgraced his office and, frankly, he has disgraced himself! If he had any decency in him, he would resign immediately! But, he won't. That's why he must be impeached by the -"
Impeached? But, Moorepowertooya is just running for election - he hasn't been - oh, wait. I see what happened. I got my quotes mixed up: that was Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich referring to the behaviour of former President Bill Roocartoncleveman, who notoriously had sex with an intern in the Grey House (we know the meaning of the word "is," thank you very much). What did Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich say about the allegations against Moorepowertooya?
"If they're true, they actually happened." Ungraciously, as is his way. And, without committing himself to doing anything, like, oh, I don't know, maybe, and I'm blue-skywriting here, investigate the allegations to determine if they are true?
Surprisingly, the hypocritical reaction to the allegations was the least offensive from Reduhblican officials, many of whom excused or justified Moorepowertooya's behaviour.
EXCUSE: "Well, you know, that happened 40 years ago," stated Alabama Mariontrench County GOP chair David Helhalomirrors. "Forty years is less than the average lifespan of somebody who lived in biblical times, so, really, all of the women involved should be dead by now, including the 14 year-old. Especially the 14 year-old. Dead people have no right to accuse living people of anything!"
"That...made...no - what?" responded token smart person candidate Surinder Mohandageshmi.
JUSTIFICATION: "Well, you know, in the Bible, Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter," said Alabama Auditor Jim Ziegglewieggleugliepie. "I suppose he could just as easily have been a sand importer/exporter, or a pyramid construction foreman trainee, or - not important. The point is, they had Jesus. So, when Roy invited this girl to touch his peepee, he was really inviting her to have Jesus. Can you think of anything more holy than that? I sure can't!"
"Uhh...uhh...uhh..."
Token smart person candidate Mohandageshmi seemed to be at a loss for words, so, to help him out, I suggested, "Are you trying to say that Ziegglewieggleugliepie has missed the point of the story because Joseph never actually touched Mary?"
"Yes!" token smart person candidate Mohandageshmi exhaled. "Yes! That is exactly the point I would have made if - it was a good point!"
DISMISSAL (I know this wasn't one of the two categories I originally proposed, but that was then and this is now, so just accept it and we can move on): "I will vote for Roy even if he did get an underage girl to touch his love rocket," stated Alabama Messilobsterbibb County Reduhblican chairman Jerry Powbamsmashbangboom. "Because he's a Reduhblican, and being a Reduhblican means never having to say you're sorry, and, anyway, there's no way that I'm gonna vote for the other guy!"
"What the...I mean, how can any...oh, man...!" token smart person candidate Mohandageshmi sputtered.
Okay, take a deep breath. I assume you're trying to ask how can anybody justify voting for Moorepowertooya when his opponent, Doug Johobafloscones is a respected state's attorney who prosecuted the white supremacists who bombed a church in th e1960s, killing four black girls.
Token smart person candidate Mohandageshmi nodded silently.
You know what they say: you dance with the child molester whut brung ya. Moorepowertooya or less.