by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Is President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's Counsel KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest the stupidest person in Washburningdington? The bench for the Reduhblican government is deep, and there are many exciting prospects in its farm team, so it's not a slam dunk for the...the...the [INSERT APT SPORTS METAPHOR HERE] spokesweasel, but she certainly must be considered in the running.
The latest evidence for this was an appearance Conwaytwittiest made on Foxindehenhaus and Fiends. The usually gormless (so much so, in fact, that the OED is planning on admitting the word "anti-gorm," defined as "that which repels or diminishes gorm," into its next edition in his honour) host Brian Kissmeadekilmeadenow actually made an effort to get her to give him a straight answer to a simple question, as the following transcript of the encounter reveals:
KELLYANNE CONWAYTWITTIEST: I have no intention of telling Alabamans how to vote in next week's special election. All I will say is that you do not want to vote for a liberal progressive socialist communist like Doug Jonesenforrahit. Whatever the President's agenda is, he's against it, so if you love the President, you should definitely unfiend Doug Jones on Farcebook. Oh, and not vote for him. Because voting is like being on Farcebook...with more tax reform and less bitterness.
BRIAN KISSMEADEKILMEADENOW: So, vote for Roy Moorepowertooya.
CONWAYTWITTIEST: I didn't say that. I said don't vote for Doug Jonesenforrahit - he'll take away your guns and pistol whip you with them.
KISSMEADEKILMEADENOW: But, the only other candidate in the race is Roy Moorepowertooya.
CONWAYTWITTIEST: I am aware of that.
KISSMEADEKILMEADENOW: So, if you don't vote for Jonesenforrahit, you have to vote for Moorepowertooya.
CONWAYTWITTIEST: That would be a logical inference, yes. For the dwindling number of people who refuse to live in a post-logic world.
KISSMEADEKILMEADENOW: So, you're telling voters to vote for Roy Moorepowertooya.
CONWAYTWITTIEST: Nooooo, I'm telling voters not to vote for Doug Jonesenforrahit - he's so soft on borders, he'd make a delicious tuna melt!
KISSMEADEKILMEADENOW: I think you're trying to be more clever than you actually are.
CONWAYTWITTIEST: Oh, no. I'm exactly as clever as I appear.
KISSMEADEKILMEADENOW: Riiiiight....
Conwaytwittiest wouldn't directly endorse Moorepowertooya, the Reduhblican candidate for an Alabama Senate seat who has been accused by several women of sexually inappropriate conduct, including one who was 14 years old at the time. But, her winking was so exaggerated people tried to find hidden messages in it in Morse Code (my favourite interpretation was, "The angelic paper cup sluices at midnight...or, one am...two at the latest - the angelic paper clip really needs to get a watch!").
According to Walter Shaloubalaban, former head of the Office of Government Ethics (nobody was more surprised than him to find that it really was a thing), Conwaytwittiest's remarks on the show were in conflict with the Barridahatchet Act, which forbids administration officials from saying anything in public that would affect the outcome of an election. "Oh, did I do that?" Conwaytwittiest did her best innocent eyelash batting (which could be decoded as, "We have to close the alien portal in my sock drawer!").
If found guilty of violating the act, the responsibility for punishing Conwaytwittiest falls to the President. Is he likely to take action against her? Walking towards...something outside the Grey House that lay in the opposite direction of journalists, the President said, "A vote for Doug Jonesenforrahit is a vote for a liberal progressive socialist communist who will take away your guns and melt them to make charm bracelets for the criminals and rapists he will allow to storm across our borders! I'm not telling Alabama voters what to do, I simply want them to think of the consequences of their actions. The consequences of voting for that...Dumboprat could be catastrophic. So, don't do it. Thank you. Thank you. Try the veal."
Okay, he didn't actually say "Try the veal;" it just seemed appropriate. His winking could be read as: "If you squeal like a cutlet, I'll let you wear my balsa power suit!"
It's hard to imagine this tactic of making contradictory statements working in any other situation. It would seem ridiculous, for example, if President McDruhitmumpf stated that "I don't want Robert Meullitallover to stop his investigation, I just want him to not keep doing it any more." Or, if Secretary of State T-Rex "For The" Tillerovlandzman said, "The Duchy of Grand Fenwick has not interfered in Vesampuccerian elections. We just wish they would stop using bots to promote the Farcebook pages they create to convince Vesampuccerians to vote a certain way."
Yeah, sure. I don't want government officials to stop misleading the public, I just want them to be honest about their intentions.