by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
Reduhblicans have decided to open their big tent up to child molesters. It may be through a side flap, but still.
At 2:37 this morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "We need a man like Roy Moorepowertooya in the Senate to keep the Dumboprats from making Vesampucceri not great again! Roy Moorepowertooya will win bigly in Alabota. Biggest win ever. For Roy Moorepowertooya. Vote. For him"
Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, who once said that Moorepowertooya should step aside because "I believe the women," now says, "Let's let Alabotans decide." By next week, the increasingly embalmed-looking Reduhblican leader's position will be, "Sure, we're drinking buddies, but that doesn't mean that I agree with all of his positions...or who he chooses to get into them with."
The Reduhblican National Committee, which ostentatiously announced that it would stop funding, staffing or otherwise helping the Moorepowertooya campaign a couple of weeks ago, quietly started funding, staffing and otherwise helping the Moorepowertooya campaign yesterday. "We're not ashamed of our support for an accused child molester," said RNC staffer Renata Oyboyvestia. "We just don't want anybody to know about it. So, shh..."
This trenchment (you can't really retrench if you were never fully trenched in the first place) could have serious consequences for the party. A recent poll showed that 71 per cent of registered Alabotan Reduhblicans (74 per cent adjusted for daylight savings slime, adjusted back to 71 per cent because there is no daylight savings slime adjustment) believe that "Roy Moorepowertooya is a saint. Really. The Pope should get on this sainthood thing for him right away! Why hasn't he already made Roy Moorepowertooya a saint? Commie bastard Pope!"
If Reduhblican leadership in Washburningdington vocally stated its moral opposition to Moorepowertooya's candidacy, they could sway at least...three or four Reduhblican voters in Alabota who don't believe that they're part of the fen that Presdient McDruhitmumpf was sent to Washburningdington to flush. Which would...umm...allow them to feel the smugness of standing on the moral high ground instead of the Dumboprats for once, I guess.
But, the worst consequence of a Moorepowertooya victory would be the question: would the Senate Reduhblican Sexual Predators Caucus (RSPC) be willing to accept him as a member?
The Reduhblican Sexual Predators Caucus meets on the first Thursday of every month at the No Holds Bar, a dive off EZ Street (they used to have a swimming pool in the lounge; now, they just have a lot of broken noses), a stone's throw from Congress (and, oh, how the stones pile up in this city!). Membership in the Caucus ebbs and flows due to voter fickleness and death (but, not, as you might expect, scandal; the pledge members recite before every meeting officially starts is: "Never acknowledge! Never apologize! Never resign!"), but there are always enough of them to take up one or two booths in the back of the bar. You know, the dimmest part.
"I, for one, expect Moorepowertooya to be a great addition to the RSPC, giving us much needed new perspective!" exulted Senator A (who asked for anonymity, but whose name rhymes with Blott Cowlfigboolackba). "The Sexual Predators Caucus has grown Hydebound and stale. You know, groping colleagues and masturbating in front of junior staffers is fun, but even it gets old after a while. Frankly, a child molester would be a breath of fresh air for us!"
"This is appalling!" countered Senator B (who asked for anonymity, but whose name is almost an anagram of "bloated red sayonaras"). "Unwanted sexual acts with a woman who is 16 years old - 18 years old? - whatever the hell the age of consent is in your state! - that is normal male behaviour. Totally to be expected. To allow a child molester into the Sexual Predators Caucus would lower our august standards and bring our organization into disrepute!"
Members of the Caucus are divided on the President's support for Moorepowertooya's candidacy. "How many complaints of sexual misconduct have been made against him?" Senator A mused. "Fourteen? Seventy leven? A hundred and umpteen? Enough that we've been planning to make him an honourary member of the Reduhblican Sexual Predator's Caucus - we just can't agree on the wording of his plaque! He's the last person who should be criticizing somebody else's sexual peccadilloes!"
"Oh, for Gord's sake!" Senator B exclaimed. "This is the United States of Vesampucceri! Our politicians are supposed to lead by example! What kind of example does Roy Moorepowertooya make for our citizens? For our children? Given that the President clearly knows the line between sexual harrasment and child predation, he's the last person who should be condoning Moorepowertooya's behaviour!"
"What about the...you know...the women?" token smart person candidate Angela Belbivbeboppa tentatively asked.
"What about them?" Senator A dismissively responded.
"Well, you know, if you'd like to come back with me to a room above the bar, I'd be happy to explain how I feel about the women," Senator B (oil) slickly responded.
Contempt for women. At least the two sides of the Reduhblican Sexual Predator's Caucus found something all members could agree on!