by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People/Fashion/Pop Culture Writer
Peter Mettlerhededdfoo had a craving for casaba melons. He had never had a casaba melon before. Truth be told, he wasn't sure what a casaba melon was. If he thought about it for a moment, he may have realized that he had dreamed of casaba melons because one had been featured on the episode of Homeland he had watched before he had gone to sleep the night before. But, Mettlerhededdfoo was not an especially introspective example of homo sapiens, so he hied himself to the nearest Multimaximegamart in search of what was, to him, an exotic fruit.
Multimaximegamart has everything.
"The FBI always get high," he was saying to himself as he walked down the melon aisle. "Naah. The FBI - whose turn is it to cry? Naah. The FBI doesn't even try. Hmm...that could - to what? Try to what? Naah. The FBI - die! Die! D - ooh, what is that?"
As it turned out, it was a honeydew. Casaba-like, to be sure, but not a casaba melon. Apparently, Multimaximegamart does not have everything. Mettlerhededdfoo made a mental note to write a Farcebook post about this and, hoping for the best, bought a honeydew.
He ate it in the store. Not bad.
Peter Mettlerhededdfoo is not well known, even on social media, where everybody is famous to somebody. For example, he only has 247 Farcebook fiends. However, all of them are either senior Reduhblican officials, starting with President Ronald McDruhitmumpf and Vice President Michael Pendenatendance, all of the members of the President's cabinet and senior Reduhblicans in Congress; or members of right wing media such as the Cucbreitdohboybart Web site and Foxindehenhaus News.
"It makes no sense," said token smart person Abigail Anesticorfu. "Peter Mettlerhededdfoo is a dollhouse construction worker who lives in North Battlepixies, Montansas. He doesn't read newspapers, let alone write for them. He's never worked for a think tank - hell, he probably thinks a think tank is a battle vehicle equipped with AI! There is nothing in his background that would suggest that he would be a thought leader of a major political party. Or, for that matter, a thought follower. He's the sort of person whose head is filled with thoughts of cantaloupes, for Gord's sake!"
Casabas, actually, but the point is well taken. Why do the Reduhblicans follow Mettlerhededdfoo so avidly?
"Are you kidding?" replied a high-ranking Reduhblican official who insisted that we make clear that he was not Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap. "Peter is a genius! He knows exactly where we need to position our messaging before we do! Okay, sure, his obsession with melons is a little weird, but he helped deliver Virginois to us in 2016, so I say let them eat fruit!"
"What, Peter? Oh, he's a genius, make one mistake," said another high-ranking Reduhblican official who spoke to us on the condition that we made it clear that he wasn't Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, who in no way resembles a turtle with terminal gas. "The way he is able to distill a complex political position into a few words - words that often rhyme - well, sir, it's uncanny. Okay, sure, his obsession with melons is a little...out of the mainstream for my tastes - I prefer pears. But, he recognized that we had to delegitimize the Meullitallover investigation before it got out of hand weeks before we did, so what's a little melon fetish among fiends?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Mettlerhededdfoo said as he walked home from the Multimaximegamart. "I don't know anybody named Paul Wichconnelliswich or Mitch Ryboehnbachblisscrap. Are they a new K-Pop duo or something? And, I'm no political strategist - I tried to grow watermelons this summer and they all died horrible deaths! I'm the last person I would trust to make the country work!"
UPDATE: Hours after Peter Mettlerhededdfoo posted, "FBI - die! DIE! DIE!" on Farcebook, Reduhblicans and their operatives started attacking Vesampucceri's police system. "The Federal Bureau of Instigations is so corrupt," President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 2:37 the next morning. "So corrupt. They make Al Caponercussmuss look like Mother Theresa! Sad! And not winning!!!"
Later that day, Sean Hanjobovverfist burst a blood vessel talking about how the FBI had colluded with Hillary Roocartoncleveman to make it look like the McDruhitmumpf campaign had colluded with the Fenwickians to steal the 2016 election. As he was wheeled off the set of his show by a pair of burly EMTs, Hanjobovverfist weakly insisted, "FBI - Nixwatmondnewon - horned melons - Mountkilamanjoy - Sorobororos - connect the dots, people! Connect the...the do...uhhh!"
"Honestly, I don't know anything about any dots," Mettlerhededdfoo insisted back at him. "I weld beams on dollhouses. I'm about as political as a canary melon seed. Anybody who thinks I give good political advice has probably had their head smashed in a PSA about automobile safety! In super-slow motion!"