by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
It's known in Hollywood as the "duh duh duuuuh" moment. It's the moment in any narra - okay, yeah, some people place the emphasis on the first "duh," others place the emphasis on the last "duh;" comedian John Olivettiver emphasized the middle syllable for reasons that are obscure but undoubtedly British, but that's not all that important - as I was saying, it's the moment in any sto - no, actually, it doesn't sound like three forlorn trumpet blasts; you're thinking of "wah wah waaaaah," which is very different - so, I'm talking about the moment in any ta - you don't really need an aural correlate for - okay, okay, it sounds more like a small band with a subtle interweaving of brass and strings, although director Steven Givemenoschpielberg used a 180 piece orchestra for the "duh duh duuuuh" moment in Close Encounters of the Expository Kind, to mixed effect (for one thing, he, you'll pardon the expression, strung the last note out for three minutes, 37 seconds to justify bringing together a 180 piece orchestra to perform three notes) - but...but...but -
Talk about leduus interruptus!
"Duh duh duuuuh" is the moment in any narra...tive when a dramatic reveal sends the story in a completely different direction. For President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, this past week was full of examples.
On Tuesday, the Wall Street Infernal ran an article which claimed that the President had had an affair with porn star Morgan Mistymountainhop (you may remember her from such classics as The Bed Post and Jumangeme II: Welcome to My Jungle). Given the President's past statements about women, this is no surprise (although it does explain why First Lady Melanoma uses a rolled up newspaper to swat his hand away whenever it strays too far into her personal airspace, although that still does not explain how the newspaper magically appears in her hand when she isn't reading one).
Of course, these are days of diminished expectations - diminishing ever more rapidly during this administration - so having sex with a porn star may not have been all that scandalous. However, paying her $130,000 a month before the election to keep her from selling her story to a news outlet, yeah, that still has the power to scandalize people.
Duh duh duuuuh!
"Aww, come on people," sneered Grey House Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders. "Ah only have 45 minutes to mislead, obfuscate and confuse - henh. That would be a good law firm name, wouldn't it? - y'all, and that is what you want me tuh talk about? Fine. Let me make this perfectly clear: the President's bank account never had relations with that woman! Now, can I please misinform y'all about something that actually matters?"
The Grey House Press Secretary might want to cut down on the Mountain Dew Jolt.
As a matter of fact, the money came from President McDruhitmumpf's lawyer, Gary Turnabritecohener. The non-musical (but it has started taking electronic triangle lessons, so it has hopes for the future) question is: where did he get the money from? The original announcement that he raised it through bake sales had more holes in it than a mile-long brick of Swiss cheese (gourmet chefs are weird).
Although he did not deny the payment, Turnabritecohener denied that it was a payoff to cover up an affair. The President also denied that he and Mistymountainhop (who has won awards for her performances in such films as Star Whores: The Last Orgy and The Schvants of Walter) had had sex.
Funny thing about that: another story has emerged that a former Playtoy Playthingie had a sexual affair with President McDruhitmumpf; her story was bought by the National Pigquirer four days before the election. The publisher of the tabloid newspaper (in the worst sense of the word), a good friend of the President, spiked the story (you know how football players and barbarian leaders use spikes to celebrate their glory for the masses? When newspaper editors spike something, the effect is the opposite of that).
Duh duh duuuuh! This story was developing more twists and turns than a John LeCarre-Waters novel!
"The question is: will this hurt the President with his base?" asked token smart person candidate Julio Mochapercholo.
When I asked him if the real question wasn't whether or not the President's affairs were ethical, token smart person candidate Mochapercholo snorted and retorted, "What do I look like? Some kind of theologian or something?"
I mumbled something about him not looking like some kind of theologian or something.
"Damn straight! You asked me for a political judgment. Soooooo, my political judgment is that having sexual affairs with women not his wife won't hurt him with the religious right. They love condemning non-Christian sinners, but Christian sinners can say they repent and all is forgiven. And, when they're powerful, they don't have to actually say that they repent - if they like you enough, evangelicals will just take it as given. No. The supporters the President has to worry about are the fiscal conservatives. They'll look at these payments and wonder what else the President is foolishly spending money on!"
Duh duh duuuuh! I guess...