by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Over the objection of the Federal Bureau of Instigations, the Central Unintelligence Agency and the Lower Manhattan Chiropractic Association (you know - the people who write the text that scrolls at the bottom of newscasts), the House Unintelligence Committee memo has been released to the public. Reaction was swift as a Jonathan and fierce as a contagion of activist marmosets.
"This memo rips the lid off the deep state and stares deeply at the bottom of the pot!" crowed Foxindehenhaus News...human and the bestest friend a boy Reduhblican President could ever have Sean Hanjobovverfist. "And, it's ugly, people. The burnt remains of who knows what kind of living creatures can be found there! From this memo, we know two things for certain. One: Dumboprats are the most corrupt political force the world has ever known and shouldn't be allowed to hold office for species to come! And, two: after staring into the pot for too long, I'm not going to be able to keep down food for a week!"
"The memo proves what I've been saying all along: there was no obstruction," President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said for the first time. "Nope. None. Didn't happen, people. That news is so fake, you would think it was in an FBI witness protection programme! Assuming...uhh...that the FBI was competent to run a witness protection programme - which it isn't!"
But, the reaction of most Vesampuccerians was, "Hunh?"
Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer summed up the reaction of the Vesampuccerians cited in the previous paragraph when he stated, "This memo is complete nonsense. And, I'm not saying that in the sense that I disagree with it. I'm saying that in the sense that I don't understand a single word of the persnickety thing!"
The memo, rumoured to have been written by a thousand monkeys at Cucbreitdohboybart News, or two on Committee Chair Devin Nucoocachunes' staff, starts: "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Sed venenatis lacinia rhoncus. Donec id orci vel sapien imperdiet placerat vel malesuada nisl. Aenean quis mi sed massa convallis fringilla sit amet non lacus. Maecenas sed justo vel magna pellentesque fermentum pretium finibus dui. Duis commodo dolor consequat ornare gravida." The whole memo reads like that. All three and a half pages of the damn thing.
Print journalism aficionados (all three of you - hi, Bert!) will recognize the fabled "Lorem ipsum," faux Latin text that has been used since the dawn of time to fill space in printed material until real text comes along. The first known example of Lorem ipsum can be found among the cave paintings of Lascauxlasvegas thousands of years before Latin was invented - that is how powerful the text is!
"I would say that the Reduhblicans have cherry-picked facts from the documents that they were given by the Injustice Department," said token smart person candidate Moana Pupuplatterese, "but that would be a grave insult to undocumented farm workers throughout the land! They must have let facts wither on the vine and die a gruesome, unwineworthy death considering that they're writing in a made-up version of a dead language!"
Hanjobovverfist, who had spent the last two weeks hyping the memo, defended it upon its release. "Of course it's not in plain English!" he exasperatedly (exasperation is one of the few emotions that he seems to have mastered, along with outrage, indignation, rancour, ire and potato) told his audience. "If it was in plain English, the Dumboprats would twist the facts around to make it look like the President had conspired with Fenwick to steal the 2016 election! Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life? But, people who - no. I'm telling you that you have never heard anything so ridiculous in your life! Keep up, people! Keep up! People who know how to read documents like this - I'm thinking Tom Hankazarias in The Da Da Da Vinci Code - know it proves what I've been saying all along: the President is as pure as the driven mud!"
It's obvious that neither the President nor Committee Chair Nucoocachunes has read the memo. Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that either man has read the underlying documents on which the memo is purportedly based. Further furthermore (if that's not a further too farther), it is quite likely that neither man has read a grade four Dick and Jane Stonewall Congress primer.
"There's only one thing to say about this whole sad affair," Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer concluded. "Morbi eleifend sed quam nec lacinia. Nulla lobortis facilisis ligula eu egestas. Curabitur a molestie dui. Suspendisse a ante in tortor venenatis congue!"