by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
Rob Porterhoustakebeit has resigned from the Grey House after allegations of the sexual abuse of his two ex-wives were made public. This has led a lot of the public to ask: who the heckaroonies is Rob Porterhoustakebeit?
"Rob's a good man who was doing good work for the Grey House," President McDruhitmumpf responded to the resignation. "We wish him well. Rob's a good man who was doing good work for the Grey House. We wish him well. Rob's a good man who was doing good work for the Grey House. We wish him well. Rob's a good man who..." After 90 seconds, Grey House Chief of Staff John Colourkellygreene nudged the President in the shoulder. The President's head lolled back and forth for 15 seconds, after which he said: "He says he's innocent. He says that the women have completely made up these allegations. Come on, people! Do due process and the presumption of innocence mean nothing any more?"
Critics of the President have pointed out that he did not give his Dumbopratic challenger for the Presidency Hillary Roocartoncleveman the presumption of innocence when he encouraged people who attended his campaign rallies to chant, "Hang her high! Hang her high!" Unfortunately, none of them are allowed to go anywhere near the Grey House, so the President has not had to respond to the point.
Chief of Staff Colourkellygreene added, "I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!" When journalists looked blankly at him, he turned to the first page of the script he had been reading from and scanned its title. Throwing the pages away, he growled, "Sorry about that. When I find out who's in charge, here, heads will roll! What I meant to say was that I was shocked, shocked to find that he had been accused of sexual abuse. Rob Porterhoustakebeit is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life!"
It has been suggested that Chief of Staff Colourkellygreene's shock was less than sincere. For one thing, as Grey House Chief Secretary, Porterhoustakebeit was a senior aide to the President who had access to the President's Daily Briefing (PDB - not as tasty as a PBJ, but with much greater potential for nuclear fallout). Although the PDB contains classified material, the Justice Department refused to give Porterhoustakebeit security clearance, which key government offic - hey, wait a second! Wait, just a convoluted but potentially revelatory second! Somebody without security clearance has access to highly classified information! How is something so potentially damaging to our national security allowed to - what? No, I'm not talking about Jared Kushkushinthebush! Why would you bring him up in this conte -
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Okay, setting aside that...unfortunality, key government officials must have been told months ago why Porterhoustakebeit was being denied security clearance. When Chief of Staff Colourkellygreene was asked about this, he bit the head off a bat, spraying the journalists in the front row with enough blood to make them feel like they were extras in Carrie On Mutilating. He may not be on script, but he certainly is effective; after the bat debacle - batbacle, nobody wanted to ask him about the rumours that he was trying to convince Porterhoustakebeit to keep working at the Grey House even as he was being served with a restraining order by one of his ex-wives.
For his (walk-on) part, Porterhoustakebeit has vehemently protested his innocence. "I am vehemently innocent," he stated. When a photograph of his first wife sporting an unsportingly inflicted black eye was published, he responded: "Hey, no fair! I took that photo! How dare you use it as evidence against me?"
"Yeah, look," said token smart person candidate Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "the President himself has been accused of sexual impropriety by at least 27 women, including beauty pageant entrants, Green Berets and farmers' daughters. If anybody in his administration admitted that anybody in his administration had committed sexual assault, people would begin to question why he hasn't faced any repercussions for his sexual misconduct. Speaking of which, why hasn't the President faced any repercussions for his sexual misconduct?"
Good beginning to question, smart person candidate! We may finally have found a keeper!
"Oh, and one other thing," token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam added: "why is it that coverage of this situation focuses on the men involved, whether it's Rob Porterhoustakebeit, the President or other members of his administration, but that nobody ever talks about the women's experience of their assault? Heck, many articles don't even mention the alleged assault victims by name! What's up with that?"
Orrrrrrrrrrrrr, I may have spoken too soon.