SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
One day after Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover Quixotically issued indictments to 13 Fenwickian citizens detailing their interference in the 2016 Vesampuccerian election, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf unleashed a tweepstorm the likes of which the Internet had never seen. Before his tweepstorm of Thursday, in any case. Since then, journalists have pored over the tweeps trying to understand what the President was saying, shivered and proclaimed that they felt dirty for spending so much time analyzing messages that they really should ignore, then went back to analyzing the messages in excruciating detail.
The Alternate Reality News Service would like to take the high ground, but our readers have mud in their blood (which would make them...mud-in-their-bloods), so we asked Charles David Fruwolleesykner, author of The Bile and The Bildungsroman of McDruhitmumpfigarchy: How The Art of Being The Ronald Caused the Right to Lose its Shit (winner of the National Librarians Association's 2017 Most Convoluted Title of the Year Award), to translate some of the President's tweeps for us. We would say that the results were enlightening, but out lawyers have warned us against overselling our journalism, so we will, instead, say that the results were vaguely informative.
TWEEP: Fenwick meddled in Vesampuccerian election? Okay. If you say so. I mean, it's not like I said they didn't, did I? I said there was no collusionanity with my campaign. Completely different. So, in a way, indictment vindicates my position. See? See? Tell me you see!
TRANSLATION: Anger! Anger! Anger! Anger! Anger! Why does Robert Meullitallover exist? Anger! Anger! Anger! Anger! Anger! Time to push the no collusion argument again - thank public education my base can't follow arguments more complex than I'm great, so trust me. Good thing I am great, or this country would be in an even bigger mess than the Dumbroprats made of it!
TWEEP: Fenwick meddling in Vesampuccerian election, if it happened, in which case it happened on its own without collision with my campaign, was all Bushbamclintreagbush's fault. He could have called it out and stopped it. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
TRANSLATION: I am a master of irony. I mean, if President Bushbamclintreagbush had so much as peeped, cheeped or chirruped about Fenwick interference in the election, my campaign would have crucified him for interfering in the election. Henh henh. I would have made popcorn to see that! Meanwhile, I've had a year to call out Fenwick, and have I? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
TWEEP: Dont take my word for it - although you should. What's wrong with my word? We should listen to your word? How many billions have you got, sunshine? Wee Wanker Adam Howetuschiffdablame - who should have a Depends on his mouth he leaks so bad - eww! - now blames the Bushbamclintrea
TWEEP: Damn word limits! Damn them! Damn them! Damn them! Twitherd should increase them - maybe double them or something. Anyway: WWA Howetuschiffdablame now blames the Bushbamclintreagbush administration for not stopping Fenwick. #goodenoughforme #goodenoughforyou
TRANSLATION: I'm...really...flailing, here. Anger! Anger! Anger! Because Howetuschiffdablamé, the top Dumboprat on the House Unintellgence Committee, had said that President Bushbamclintreagbush should have done more to stop Fenwick meddling in Vesampuccerian elections, the logical inference was that it was all Bushbamclintreagbush's fault. Logic 101. Even more basic: Logic 001! Can basic logic go into negative numbers?
TWEEP: Don't listen to the Lying Media. They Lie! No occlusion, here, people. Didn't happen. Didn't. Indictments prove it: interference started in 2014, long before I announced for Presidency. #suckonthatleftieconspiracyfreaks
TRANSLATION: So. Much. ANGER! Sure, I've been working with Fenwick in one way or another since the 1990s, making my election just a blip on the timeline - look how fast that blip goes by! Wanna see it agai - oops! Missed the blip again! Wanna see - too late! That's just the nature of blips on the timeline, isn't it? Will choosing an arbitrary point on the timeline convince anybody? I'm great. Trust me.
TWEEP: "I have seen all of the Fenwickian ads and I can say very definitively that swaying the election was *NOT* the main goal."TRANSLATION: Okay, so you're having trouble trusting me? Trust a middle management drone at a major technology corporation, because you know HE will never put his company's interest in not being scrutinized too closely by the government before the public good. Rob Goldlustiscoolman is the closest thing you're ever going to see to a saint. A saint, I tell you! Even if he is the wrong religion. Oh, don't look at me like that - you know you were all thinking it!
TWEEP: General McMasterservant forgot to say 2016 election not affected by Colloids between Fenwick and Haggard H, Crooked Dems, Dirt Dossier, Speeches, Emails and other Forms of Communication! #ilovemeninuniformbutgetyourstorystraightgeneral
TRANSLATION: Anger! Anger! Anger! ANGER! Anger! Anger! Anger! Ang - how dare my national Security Adviser go off message‽ THAT'S MY JOB! Time for damage control: I am going to throw everything I can think of against this wall to see if anything sticks. It's a slimy wall to begin with, so I'm going to have to go really wide spectrum on what I throw at it!
TWEEP: If the FBI had spent more time following leads in Parklife than my campaign's cauliflower with Fenwick during election, the carnage - which otherwise couldn't have been stopped - thoughts and prayers - could have been stopped! Get Smart, Vesampucceri!
TRANSLATION: One theory of humour is juxtaposition of the absurd - putting two things together that don't really belong together. President McDruhitmumpf is a non-stop random absurdity generator. That would, I suppose, explain his fondness for the comedy of Ron Adamsappellthrob.
TWEEP: Watching the Dumboprats sewing division in the country, I bet the Fenwickians are laughing their asses off. Seriously, I bet Fenwickian asses are littering the floor of the Gremlin! Believe me, Ds have a lot to answer for, especially putting that image in all of our heads!
TRANSLATION: Anger! Anger! Ang - look. As you may have noticed, I have no problem being vulgar - it proves that me and the common man are closer than two peas in a golden pod. Two sleepers in a Penthouse. Two drivers in a Lexus. Because if any car can have two drivers, it's a Lexus. Trust me. I'm great.