by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
WARNING: Much of the commentary in the following article is delivered within brackets. Parenthetical Discretion is advised.
Seven minutes after her nine hour grilling by the House Insecurity Committee, Grey House Communications Director Hope Newdoglurnsoldhicks resigned. The official reason cited for her departure was that "I want to spend more time with my family."
Newdoglurnsoldhicks is 23 years old. She hasn't started a family. She has a cat named Whiskers a Go Go, but (please, animal lovers, no hate tweeps), for purposes of explaining one's departure from public office, cats do not count as family. If we learned nothing from Nixwatmondnewon (and, sadly, many people didn't, but the Alternate Reality News Service doesn't employ many people) (...which is to say that the Alternate Reality News Service employs lots of people, sure, but it doesn't employ the generic category "many people" as employed in the first parenthesis) (...shut uuuuuuuup!), it's that cats don't count as family.
Newdoglurnsoldhicks had told the Committee that she may have told lies while working for President McDruhitmumpf. Little ones. Tiny. So small you'd need an electron microscope to be able to see them. And, white. Her lies were white. Not in a racist way, you understand, more in an innocent way. White lies are a product of naivete rather than malice (which, the more I think about it, is kind of racist, but what can I do? This is the condition the language was in when I found it!).
When asked what kind of lies constituted "white," Newdoglurnsoldhicks left the hearing room to talk with her lawyer (at that point, she hadn't spoken to him in over four hours, and she was afraid he was getting lonely) (... Newdoglurnsoldhicks could be thoughtful that way) (...shut uuuuuuuup - cynic!). When she came back, she responded, "Oh, you know. Telling people the President didn't want to talk to that he was eating a tuna fish sandwich. He hates tuna fish. Or, that he was doing his laundry and couldn't come to the phone. Everybody knows that Ronald - sorry, I mean President McDruhitmumpf - only does his laundry on Sundays. He takes comfort in routine."
She wanted to stress that none of the lies she told were about Fenwick. "I mean, before I was interviewed by Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover, I thought Fenwick was a type of French pastry. I thought the President and his staff talked about it all the time because they really, really, really liked dessert." She tried to blame the education system for her ignorance of geography; there was bipartisan nodding of heads in response.
When asked about Newdoglurnsoldhicks' sudden departure, President McDruhitmumpf said she had done some fine work for him and he wished her well. "Hope! Hope! Hoooooope-ope-ope-ope-ope, why did you have to go?" he blubbered. "We had something beautiful! I really thought it was going to last! Why did you have to go and ruin it?" (First Lady Melanoma McDruhitmumpf gave him such a look! Oy! People have turned to stone from such looks!)
Newdoglurnsoldhicks had worked under President McDruhitmumpf (ooh, now the First Lady is giving me a look - what? It's a perfectly acceptable phrase in the English language!) for three years. She had been advising him before he announced his candidacy, throughout the campaign, during the transition and during his first year in office. "I have no idea why the Special Prosecutor would want to talk to me," she commented. (Gotta be naivete.)
("Is that one of those 'little white fibbies' that Hope Newdoglurnsoldhicks is famous for telling?" asked token smart person candidate Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "I mean, it should be obvious why the Special Prosecutor wants to talk to her - she's been around long enough to know where the skeletons are mouldering underground waiting for their turn to be featured in a zombie mo - hey! Are you putting my observations in parentheses? I may not have been a token smart person) candidate for long, but even I know that that's disrespectful!
Uhh...no?
Newdoglurnsoldhicks was the 47th person to hold the position of Communications Director (a modern record for turnover; the only leader to have gone through more in his first year was Ingemar Johannsendownen the Flatulent, the 12th century ruler of the Blortneyland Expectorate in what is now downtown Denmark). The administration had gone through so many candidates, that it was down to Newdoglurnsoldhicks and the guy who stocks the condom vending machines in the Grey House's public bathrooms. Sources within the Grey House close to the President (in a knives' length kind of way) claim that President McDruhitmumpf would have rathered Newdoglurnsoldhicks remain as his adviser, but that he was horrified that somebody with prophylactic germs on his hands would be so close to the Circular Office.
Still, barring a better candidate, it just might be time for the guy who stocks the vending machines in the Grey House's public bathrooms to shine.