by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
Alechem Matubalisi, his wife Rosemarie and their six children were fedupped so they Fedexed themselves from war-torn Congo to Boise, Idaware. It was a difficult journey; room in the standard Fedex box was limited, and the contortions they had to go through to fit would leave three of the children and Rosemarie suffering from muscle cramps for years to come. Not to mention the fact that the package was supposed to arrive in New Yoricknuhemwell (although, to be fair, Fedex did get the country correct).
The family may have starved to death in a Fedex warehouse, save for a fortunate accident: the box was being moved on a forklift driven by Frank Willfullackograys, who had wicked hangover. Taking a corner too quickly in order to get back to the worker's lounge to have a Toasted Grasshopper (tomato juice with a dash of strychnine, believed to be a cure for hangovers), all of the boxes in the stack he was moving fell to the floor. This caused the youngest Matubalisi child, Orestes, to start bawling. Willfullackograys had never been confronted by a crying package before, but he knew exactly what to do.
He called the bomb squad.
One x-ray later, the package was found to contain eight squirming, highly uncomfortable human beings. The bomb squad was tempted to blow the box up anyway on the time-honoured principle of "we've had a long day and we'd rather not deal with the paperwork." What they did instead was far less humane.
The bomb squad called in ICES (the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service).
ICES sent Alechem and Rosemarie Matubalisi to an asylum seekers processing facility (which should not be confused with a prison because...people in prisons have actually been accused and convicted of crimes) in Couer d'Alienne. The organization sent their children to a facility in Rehebehemoth Beach that would have made Dickenjaneprimers weep. The parents and children were allowed to speak by phone once every five weeks, and only about the latest Marvel movie release; given that none of them were allowed to watch movies of any kind, this left them with little to say.
ICES gave Matubalisi a simple choice: give up your silly quest for asylum in Vesampucceri - why do you want to even live here, anyway? Haven't you heard that this country is going to hell? Our President says so all the time, so you know it must be true - and we'll happily reunite you and your children in a box on its way back to your home.
"This is a travesty!" decried Vesampuccerian Civil Liberties Union lawyer Lee Gelernthelplessness. "Be reunited with your children in death immediately, or never see them again and be reunited with them in death a long time from now. What kind of choice is that? The statue of liberty must be turning over in its grave!"
"Now, now, let's not get our panties twisted in a vise," advised Grey House Chief of Staff John Colourkellygreene, who, as head of Homeland Insecurity, advocated for the family disunification policy. "Children are brats who suck the life out of their parents. I would have given my left eye tooth - the one that doesn't wear a patch - to have a few hours of quiet when my kids were younger. And, if the few hours stretches into several months or even years, well, what parent wouldn't think that was heaven?"
Chief of Staff Colourkellygreene might want to consider family therapy.
According to Gelernthelplessness, asylum-seekers who agree to return to their home countries are given a small box full of business cards to distribute to their friends and family. The message on the cards, which are written in English and ancient Aramaic, neither of which are spoken by many people in Congo, is: you don't want come to Vesampucceri. It am one really big messed up country. Our big chief man done say so, so it am must be true. Go to France, instead."
The family disunification policy, which may be affecting thousands of asylum seekers (it's hard to tell since the Grey House focuses most of its public pronouncements on taking credit for the stock market when it's doing well and condemning the Meullitallover investigation when it isn't), appears to be part of a larger, unspoken McDruhitmumpf administration policy to Make Vesampucceri White Again. Demographic studies suggest that by the year 2039, Vesampucceri will no longer have a racial majority, with whites being just one minority among many. By immiserating the lives of immigrants, the McDruhitmumpf administration seems to think that it can keep the country majority white.
"That train has sailed," said token smart person candidate Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "It has left the station and is so far out to sea that nobody can hail it on the radio. It's just not happening."
Soooooo...making the lives of asylum seekers miserable, which is against any number of treaties to which the United States is a signatory, won't make Vesampucceri white again? "I've run out of travelling metaphors," replied token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam, "so I'm just going to say: train wreck on the high seas!"