by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
What the President wants, the President gets. Within reason. After much consultation. And, studying within an inch of its life.
Say the President wants to meet with a foreign leader. It happens. He tells the Secretary of State, who responds, "Hmm. Tricky. Let me see what I can do." The State Department convenes a working group to determine if such a meeting would benefit the country and, if so, what issues should be discussed at there. It commissions think tanks to study the strengths and weaknesses of the foreign leader. It communicates with the country's Vesampuccerian embassy to figure out the logistics of such a meeting. It includes the Communications Director in its deliberations to ensure that if the meeting takes place, it is properly represented to the public. With luck, six months later the President will have forgotten that he ever had an interest in meeting with the foreign leader; if not, the six inch thick briefing binder should act as a deterrent. In a worst case scenario, the State Department has had six months to prepare for the disaster that is sure to follow.
This has been the way it has been since the first Secretary of State crawled out of the primordial ooze. This was how Nixwatmondnewon was prepared for his trip to China. This was how Bill Roocartoncleveman was prepared for his first meeting with Hillary after he was impeached for aggravated hanky panky.
Unfortunately for the cause of international diplomacy, Chaos President's well of patience ran dry in 1997. His method of arranging a meeting with a foreign leader consists of two simple steps. 1) Being asked for a meeting by the foreign leader. 2) Replying, "Yeah. Sure. Why not? Let's do this thing." The decision can be done in a couple of days - a week tops.
You might think this new method of arranging meetings with foreign diplomats would offend career diplomats at the State Department. You would likely be basing this on the assumption that there were still career diplomats at the State Department. But, you know what they say: when you make an assumption, you make an assumpt out of I and on.
Yes, they really do say that.
The, uhh, point being that Chaos President's well of diplomacy ran dry in 1938. This meant that all of the career diplomats at the State Department who hadn't either been fired or quit were honing their bridge playing (rather than bridge building) skills because there isn't much else for them to do in the Grey House of a Chaos President. Those left in the State Department (hangers on - I would say for dear life, but if they're still there, how dear can life be for them?) will find out about the meeting when the announcement goes viral on Farcebook.
It can't just be any foreign leader, though: if he meets with the leader of an ally, where would the Chaos be in that? No, the out of the blue announcement has to be for a meeting with a foreign leader that Chaos President has constantly belittled in the press and on Twitherd. Preferably a foreign leader with the ability to harm Vesampucceri in some way (nothing really brings the Chaos like an elevated threat level).
To maximize confusion, Chaos President will send the leader of a third country out to the parking lot of the Grey House to make the announcement. In a perfectly Chaotic world (think the soup of sub-atomic particles nanoseconds after the Big Bang), the person making the announcement would be from a country that had no obvious ties to Vesampucceri or the country the other leader comes from. In this imperfect world, Chaos President takes what he can get.
A quick consultation with his cabinet later, Chaos President will claim that there were preconditions to the meeting, but they got lost in translation to the language of the leader of the third country. If he's feeling creative that day, he may even name one or two of them.
Chaos President could, of course, be lying about imposing preconditions on the meeting. Or, he could be lying about his intention to actually enforce the preconditions. Fair is fair: the foreign leader is probably lying about his intention to meet the Vesampuccerian preconditions. If he is, though, the joke is on him: there is no guarantee that Chaos President will keep his promise to meet.
A token smart person (can we drop the "candidate" please? We all know she's a keeper!) might wonder if Chaos President agreed to the meeting to distract the public from news about the shady business dealings of his son-in-law. Or, the most recent indictments the Special Prosecutor brought down against people who worked on his campaign or in his administration. Or, the attention a former porn star was getting about her relationship with him.
But, that may be giving him too much credit. Honestly, does a Chaos President need a reason for a distraction?