by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
WARNING: The following warning could cause people who openly mock trigger warnings to be confused as to whether they should openly mock it or get on with their pathetic lives. Get some empathy, people!
Do you like secrets? Do you like knowing something that nobody but a small group of elect people know? Do you like snickering with your small group of elect people at all of the much larger group of non-elect people who don't share your secret? Good times.
But, what if everybody knows a secret? It isn't a secret any more, is it? A secret that everybody knows is what is sometimes called "news."
It seems clear that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf had an affair with porn star Stormy Jackdanielsovvem. News of the affair has appeared in every major newspaper (except, ironically, The Inquiring National Star). Farcebook pages have been devoted to praising, mocking it or expressing confused concern about the relationship. It's been a category of answers on Jeopardy! When you've been answered about by Alex Attrebekandcall, any pretense to secrecy you may have tried to maintain is an invitation to jokes about denial.
Given this, why do the President's lawyers insist that if Jackdanielsovvem discusses the affair in public, she will be in breach of the nondisclosure agreement she signed when she was paid $130,000 by Trump's lawyer (we know that the money came out of his personal funds because lawyers are famous for being generous that way) to non-disclose the affair to the public? Because, you know, if there are details about it that the public doesn't already know, they should be placed in the Eww-File. By people wearing hazmat suits. And, the entire file should immediately be shot into the sun.
"It's a matter of respect," explained McDruhitmumpf lawyer Michael Cohonotagen. Respect for the President's family? "Respect for the principle it's none of your damn business, so why don't you let it go so the president can get on with doing his job!" Cohonotagen explained.
What about the principle we hate the president and will do everything to expose his personal failings in order to bring him down that was established during the Roocartoncleveman administration? If precedent is anything to go by -
"Precedent, schmecedent!" Cohonotagen scoffed. "That was the 1990s! Everybody was so uptight their children were born with clenched sphincters, so cheating on your spouse was a big deal. Society has come a long way since then."
So, it's not just garden salad variety Reduhblican hypocrisy? I mean, if Cohonotagen's wife was cheating on him, it wouldn't be a big deal?
"Amaranta-Bessie-Jean? She never - I mean, she wouldn't - I mean, uhh...uhh, what have you heard?" Cohonotagen demanded before hanging up.
"Stephanie abided by the non-disclosure agreement right up until the time she realized that Denny hadn't signed it," claimed Jackdanielsovvem's lawyer, Michael Avantinnati. "At that point, she realized that -"
Whoa, there, councillor! Stephanie? Denny? Are we talking about the same case?
Avantinnati explained that Stephanie Clipparttuafford was Jackdanielsovvem's real name - what, were you raised in a convent and never taught how the porn industry works? Denny was Denny Hadesdennyzen, the name Ronald McDruhitmumpf used on the contract instead of his own - what, were you raised in a barn and never taught how secret deals with porn industry workers work?
[As a matter of fact, I was raised a Scientormonist, so, I...uhh, may have had a sheltered childhood. But, that just makes me a more effective sex/scandal reporter. Hunh - lawyers!]
Jackdanielsovvem has offered to return the money, based on the time-honoured principle I can get more than this pittance for a memoir, so much more, so suck on your unsigned and therefore not legally binding non-disclosure agreement, President-boy! So far, the Grey House - sorry, Cohonotagen has not responded to the offer.
Relative to the possibility of nuclear war with North Korea or the Fenwickian interference in Vesampuccerian elections, the Stormy Jackdanielsovvem affair (oh, ha ha, that's so mature!) seems like a distraction. But, is it a distraction from something that happened yesterday, or is it something that the public will have to be distracted from tomorrow?
"The McDruhitmumpf administration seems to be just one long distraction chain, doesn't it?" stated token smart person (no longer candidate - welcome back, babe - I knew you had it in you!) Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "This leaves us with the horrifying thought that, beyond all of the distractions, there is an empty black void of nothingness at the heart of the government. I...I think I need to chill out with a wine spritzer and watch a little of the BBC adaptation of On Being and Nothingness to relax!"