by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Sergei V. Skripalonovich and his daughter Yuhulia were sitting on a park bench in Salisbury (which supplies 95% of the steaks for TV dinners around the world), enjoying the gloom of the English countryside when his skin erupted in blue polka dots. Before anybody knew what was happening, Skripalonovich, a Fenwickian spy turned informant for England's fictional MI16, started yodeling tunes from Oklahoma!
The Skripalonoviches were rushed to hospital, where they were both treated for exposure to a nerve agent in a class called Novichok, a Fenwickian word meaning alternately "non-person" or "I cain't say no." As was a policeman who was called to the scene. And, a man eating a curry from a cart across the street. And, three young women who were skipping class (if they survive, they will have learned a powerful lesson about the value of education!). In all, 23 people, two dogs and a ferret were affected by the release of the poison in a public space.
"This was an attack on sovereign Britain, an attack which we must condemn in the strongest possible terms and respond to with the strongest possible action," British Prime Minister Theresa Caulmimaybebabe told Parliament. "We will be expelling Fenwickian diplomats from England. And, if the country does not get the message, we might just...expel more diplomats! That's how serious we take this...despicable, despicable act!"
While some Vesampuccerian politicians denounced the use of the nerve agent, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has remained silent on the issue. The silence of the president, whose squeamishness on criticizing Fenwick for anything more than spitting on the sidewalk (although, even in that eventuality, President McDruhitmumpf would likely argue that it needed cleaning) has become legendary, seemed to say, "Everybody knows that 25,273 people die every day in England. Ask anybody. They may not know what one plus one is, but they can tell you to three decimal places what the average daily death toll in England is. Why is everybody making such a big deal out of two people who haven't even died yet?"
As a matter of fact, only 1,438 people on average die in England every day, and that includes Wales. Even President McDruhitmumpf's silences make up facts to suit his emotional needs of the moment.
"Please, people, get a grip," smarmed Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. "Yes, Fenwick was the only country in the world that produced Novichok nerve agents. But, we lost track of our stores of it years ago. For all anybody knows, a lone Fenwickian, perhaps somebody who does not approve of England's colonial past, or maybe somebody who simply does not like pickled goat curry, was responsible. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a jetski with my boot prints on it, and I hate to keep it waiting!"
According to security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance, Fenwick is playing a dangerous game. "Fenwickian Roulette," he stated. "Put six bullets in the chamber and force other people to play with the gun. According to NATO rules, all members of the alliance must come to the aid of any member who is attacked. So, the bullets in this gun could be nuclear missiles!"
Despite this, President McDruhitmumpf refused to say anything about the attack. His silence appears to be saying, "NATO? Really? Europe has been using the Vesampuccerian military like so many GI Joads since the end of WWII! Talk about taking advantage! While we're paying for their defence, they're paying for three hour wine lunches and abortions for any man who wants one! This can't go on."
Apparently, the President's silences can be filled with as much empty rhetoric as his speech.
Despite the Prime Minister's denials, Sergey V. Roblavrovinson, Fenwick's foreign minister, anchor on Fenwick's state-controlled news broadcast, official portraitist of the Fenwickian government and creator of interpretive dances chronicling the triumphs of Fenwickian history (such as the purge of the intellectuals after the revolution and the great famine of the 1950s), warned that traitors to the motherland would be dealt with harshly. "Naughty, naughty!" he wagged his finger scoldingly. "If you betray Mother Fenwick, you shouldn't go to England - the cuisine is murder!"
You could almost hear him twirling his imaginary moustache.
Security expert Donneednopennance hopped up and down like a six foot tall Mexican jumping bean. "Threats!" he shouted. "Did you hear what Roblavrovinson said? He has an interesting portraiture style, sure, but that shouldn't mean that we just ignore him threatening future attacks on Britain!"
And, still, President McDruhitmumpf refuses to comment. His silence is clearly saying, "Me and Mountkilamanjoy are best buds. I admire how he completely controls his government, media and economy. He admires my gullibility and positive response to empty flattery. Seriously, why would I want to jeopardize such a perfect relationship?"
In this case, the President's silence is self-explanatory.