by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
Say you're a polar bear. It happens. You're innocently polar bearing on an ice floe when somebody comes up to you and says, "I like you kid. You got moxie! You don't see a lot of moxie at the poles! Just a lot of penguins waddling around aimlessly and narwhals looking for trouble! Stick with me, kid, and I'll make you a star!" The person offers you a sweet gig where you get all the fish you can eat just for being yourself 12 hours a day. Beats working for a living, right?
Only, a couple of years later, your pen at the New Yoricknuhemwell City Zoo is surrounded by geological engineers setting up mineral surveys. If not entirely unsuccessful (standards are always more lax during a Reduhblican administration), the surveys will be used to apply for a permit to drill for oil in what passes for a living room among polar bears. Nobody warned you that the big city is a heartbreak, but, to be fair, who could have predicted that the pool of water in your pen was going to be identified as a potential source of oil?
"All the possible offshore drilling sites were gobbled up by the major companies like some demented natural resources Pac-Man," explained Snaikindatallgrass Explorations, Ltd. President Reginald Snaikindatallgrass. "We're a small company - we had to be...creative about finding new sources of oil." He then saluted the flag and began singing "God Bless Vesampucceri," no doubt to signal his dedication to creativity. Or, capitalism. Resource patriotism is often difficult to parse.
Vesampuccerians are a hardy breed who have adjusted to the idea of swimming around oil rigs just off their beaches. Oh, sure, internal tourism is down 87%, but the Department of the Interior believes that the worst is over. Probably. We mean, how much worse can it possibly get? And, anyway, we have a plan: what used to be sold as fun for the whole family can now be sold as an adventure for thrill-seeking extreme swimmers. It's all a matter of marketing, really. Besides, anybody covered in a spill gets to take home all of the oil they're coated with - you can't say fairer than that.
Umm. In any case. Are Vesampuccerians ready for oil rigs in their zoos?
"Yes. Absolutely. What's not to love?" answered Snaikindatallgrass.
"No. Definitely not. I hate the idea!" answered Anastasia Greene-Lovinvegan, Vesampuccerian spokeshuman for environmental organization Greenpeas.
Well, that's balance taken care of, then. But, what about the bears?"The poor polar bears!" Greene-Lovinvegan cried. "Thanks to Global Hot as Hellification, we melted the ice that was their natural habitat. When we put them in the safe space of a zoo, we followed them in there with drilling rigs! At this rate, we may as well sell the last remaining polar bears to restaurants for gourmet burgers - it would be more humane! Not to mention, more delicious!"
Greenpeas has asked Greene-Lovinvegan to call the office. Apparently, she has some bearsplainin' to do.
In the end, if his company doesn't get the permit to drill in the bear pit at the New Yoricknuhemwell zoo, will Snaikindatallgrass go back to traditional sources of oil? "Have you not been paying attention?" he snorted. "There are oil derricks all along each coast. If President McDruhitmumpf was serious about security, he would allow oil companies to drill along the Mexico/Vesampucceri border - man, you wouldn't be able to see the other country through the wall of derricks, let alone get through it! And, the best part? Government wouldn't have to pay a cent for it!"
Except for all of the tax breaks the government gives oil companies?
"Aww, jeez! You had to go and spoil a good fantasy! When you were young, didn't you dream of despoiling the pristine wilderness of a bear pit in a zoo with an oil derrick? You didn't, did you? No, not you!" Snaikindatallgrass groused. "Pfft! I'll bet you tell small children that there's no such thing as Santa President, too. Killjoy!"
As a matter of fact, I dress up as Santa President every ChristmaKwaanzUkah, and I don't even practice any of the religions the portmanteau holiday celebrates! But, uhh, that is beside the point. If Snaikindatallgrass Explorations does not get the permit it is seeking, what is the company's next move?"
"Natural resources - the final frontier," Snaikindatallgrass claimed. "All across New Califampshire are backyard swimming pools just waiting to be exploited for the cause of Vesampuccerian energy independence!"