by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Reduhblican politicians on both sides of the aisle have warned President Ronald McDruhitmumpf that if he in any way interferes with Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover's investigation into possible Vesampuccerian collusion with Fenwick's attempts to disrupt the country's elections, there would be consequences.
"If the President attempts to impede, block, hinder, prevent, obturate, occlude, jam up or otherwise interfere with the Meullitallover investigation,"Senate Majority leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich swallowed his pride (and, apparently, a thesaurus) and told reporters, "Not only will the Senate object, but the Senate will do so in the strongest possible terms. No half-measures for us. The strongest possible terms. That's how seriously we take this issue."
If the Senate was really serious about this issue, why hasn't it passed any legislation that would penalize the President if he attempted to interfere with the Meullitallover investigation? When asked this question, Senate Majority leader Wichconnelliswich grinned knowingly. People's blood turned to ice as far as Mongolia.
In the same news cycle, Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap spun, rinsed and tried to repeat his excited message that the Reduhblican tax cuts would create a new era of prosperity for all Vesampuccerians.* When a journalist pointed out that the government was about to borrow $300 billion to pay for part of the cuts, he blushed (he had a staff member apply it to his cheeks because it doesn't come naturally to him) and stated, "Oh, no, what I meant to say was that, uhh, obviously, the, uhh, work the Special Prosecutor is vital - vital! - to the well-being of the country. And, uhh, so, as a consequence, if the President does anything to impede the, uhh, the, you know, investigation and stuff, the House of Unrepresentatives will do something about it. Believe you me, we will do something about it."
When asked just what action he planned to take if President McDruhitmumpf didn't heed his warning, Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap (whose spine was once featured on an episode of Leonard Nimoyveytsuris' In Search Of...) replied, "He will." When asked what he would do if the President moved against Meullitallover despite his warning, Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap (who is also the leader of the Reduhblican invertebrates caucus) replied, "He won't."
Well, we seem to have covered all eventualities, then.
"Oh, psssht!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam did her best impression of a punctured tire (to complete the illusion, she stopped rotating her head). "Congressional Reduhblicans talk tough because polls show them that a large majority of Vesampuccerians, including members of their party, want Meullitallover to finish his investigation. But, if the President fires the Attorney General, the Deputy Attorney General, the Assistant Deputy Attorney General, the Vice Assistant Deputy Attorney General and all 17 Aides to the Vice Assistant Deputy Attorney General to get to somebody who will fire Bob Meullitallover, Reduhblicans in Congress won't do anything about it. They don't want the party to appear to be divided with the mid-term elections a few months away."
The token smart person suggested that this would not be the best course of action for the Reduhblicans. "Gooo oooooooonnnn..." we prompted. Well, you see, the thing is, the President's endorsement has been the kiss of death for Reduhblicans who have run in special elections since he took office. A full, long, lingering kiss right on the lips, with one hand on each of the candidate's cheeks to ensure that his head couldn't - eww! Why did I put that image in my head‽
"So, if I understand what you're saying correctly," Senate Majority leader Wichconnelliswich, half to three eighths of whose job entails purposefully misunderstanding what people are saying correctly, "we should pass legislation preventing the President from interfering with the Meullitallover investigation because that will anger him enough that he will speak out against us which will lead to us keeping control of the Senate in the mid-terms?"
As he caught his breath, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam's eyes widened, she nodded vigorously and she replied, "Un hunh."
Senate Majority leader Wichconnelliswich steepled his fingers (when he was a junior senator, he had stapled his fingers to his desk to protest a procedural motion that nobody else cared about; he found this much more conducive to rational thought, and it had the added bonus of not requiring the Senate to replace his desk) and responded, "Intriguing."
After he left the article, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam's eyes returned to their normal size, her head stopped bobbling and she said, "He won't listen, of course. Deference to party authority is part of the Reduhblican hindbrain - it's a drive almost as important to them as sex. More important to their leadership. Has been since at least the Cretinaceous Age. I just like the idea that he'll have a few sleepless nights now that I have implanted the idea in Speaker Wichconnelliswich's head..."
* In the one per cent. It all depends on the definition of all.