by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf signed a proclamation (written on a digital representation of parchment, so you know he was serious) ordering the deployment of the National Guard to stop undocumented immigrants from coming across the border from Mexico. To justify the move, the President tweeped: "carousel of illegals i's coming - everybody knows it. even mexco admits its out of control. Rape dealers, druggists flooding our border MUST DO SOMETHING NOW! #mustdosomethingnow"
Critics of the President weren't sure if he was venting against carnival rides or a certain Broadway musical. It's also possible that he was talking about a caravan, a group of people, especially traders or pilgrims, travelling together across a desert in Asia or North Africa; in that case, though, he may have been referring to a song by Duke Ellington.
Trying to make sense of President McDruhitmumpf's tweeps is about as effective as trying to catch a flu with a butterfly net (although it requires fewer facial tissues...and pins).
As usual, there is a kernel of truth in the nutcake that was the President's position: a group of Latin Americans were travelling northwards through Mexico. However, many of them were planning on vacationing in Mexico. More or less permanently. Those who planned on entering the United States intended to claim asylum at the border. Consider it asylum squared.
There was a slight...hitch? hiccup? holdup? Hitchens...up? with the plan: Vesampuccerian military troops are not allowed to do anything militarily within the country's borders. Really. It's in the constitution. Go ahead: look it up. I'll wait.
No, I won't. Life is too short. The point is that the Foundling Fathers looked at the tyrannical governments of their time, saw that they used their armies against their own people and said to themselves, "Let's not do that. No, that's really a bad idea. Let's not go there, girls." The fact that just about every Vesampuccerian government has done that in no way mitigates the fact that the constitution tells them not to.
At least, that's what I tell myself to help me sleep at night.
To get around this, the McDruhitmumpf administration has announced that it won't be deploying the troops to detain, question or otherwise interact directly with the emigrants. What will they be doing, then?
"I think the President has been very clear on this," said Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. "If you have any further questions, he would be happy to answer them." And, except for the fact that the President has given conflicting and incomplete information on his plans and hasn't held a press conference since his great-grandfather was a twinkle in his great-great-grandfather's pantaloons, she was telling the truth.
"The President hasn't gotten his border wall from Congress," a source who asked to remain anonymous (but whose name is Tremain Anonymoosely, so I'm not sure why he bothered), stated. "So, he's going to build the wall out of National Guardsmen."
How would that even wo - "The National Guard members will link their arms and stand on each other's shoulders," source Anonymoosely explained. "At an average of six feet, the President figures it would take four and a half people to make a 20 foot wall."
"Actually," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "at an average of six feet, it would only take three and a quarter people to make a wall 20 feet high, but why are we talking about quarter people? Eww!"
I paused to allow the green tinge in her face to fade.
Source Anonymoosely pointed out that one of the features that the President was demanding in a border wall was transparency. For the wall, I mean, not its funding or rationale. With his wall of National Guardsmen, border patrol agents (who, as far as anybody knows, are constitutionally allowed to do anything militarily within the country's borders) would be able to see through people's legs and over their shoulders; if anybody who shouldn't be was coming their way, the agents would be able to spot them and do something about it.
"Imagine it," Anonymoosely gushed as though he actually liked the idea (truth be told, I was beginning to wonder about my source...). "Anywhere along the wall you needed to intercept an illegal, you could simply push the nearest Guardsman open like the door to the kitchen in a restaurant."
"What would you do when the Guardsmen got tired?" asked token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam.
"Metal fatigues," Anonymoosely pointed out. "National Guardsmen just fatigue faster."
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam did a quick calculation in her head. "To properly..." she wrinkled her nose as if it had just been tickled by a rhinoceros, "...build such a wall, we would need 184,327,469.3273 National Guardsmen!"
Anonymoosely, with far too much relish for my taste, responded, "Well, we better start making more babies, then! What are you doing after the article?"