by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
When he was a presidential candidate, Ronald McDruhitmumpf vowed that when he got to Washburningdington, he would flush the fen of its sleazier denizens. What he didn't tell anybody was that he would be bringing his own menagerie of muck with him.
Jared Kushkushinthebush, for example, is a classic puffer toad who tried to inflate the value of his New Yoricknuhemwell building in order to get funding from governments that Vesampucceri was doing business with. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinkedinkedoo is a scorpion whose tail contains venom for anybody who questions the fact that in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico's power authority gave a $300 million no-bid electrical reconstruction contract to Whitefish Energy a firm of just two employees that happened to be from Zinke's home town and used to employ Zinke's son. The President himself is a snapping turtle, profiting from his hotels and his government's tax breaks for the wealthy while lashing out at anybody who mentions his obvious conflicts.
But, the king croc of the fen has to be Environmental Pollution Agency Administrator Scott Pruittdondoitt. Those sharp teeth. Those dead eyes. That slimy exterior. The fen was created for men like Pruittdondoitt.
The EPA head charged taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars to fly first class. A transgression that would have gotten him kicked out of any previous administration isn't even a short skid mark on the back road that is the McDruhitmumpf Grey House. Former Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Anythingforprice (an American eagle who never seemed to stop moulting) spent more than $1 million on private and military jets. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchinmumbling (a snail that leaves a slimy trail wherever he goes) repeatedly took military flights to such important government functions as the solar eclipse. Interior Secretary Zinkedinkedoo spent $12,375 of taxpayer funds on a charter flight on an oil executive's plane.
The world is their fen, I suppose.
Defenders of EPA Administrator Pruittdondoitt say that he is loyal to his friends. As an example, they point out that when the Grey House refused to approve a $56,000 pay increase for Sarah Punishmitgreenwelt and a $28,000 raise to Millan Hupptodehardtasque, he refused to take no for an answer. He unilaterally approved the pay raises for staffers he had brought with him from Oklahoma using the Safe Drinking Water Act. The fact that the SDWA (not to be confused with the Suburban Dictionary Walking Act, but it's a common mistake, so we'll let it pass) was meant to hire scientists and medical personnel in an environmental emergency was irrelevant.
Then, there was the trip to Morocco. This is a little complicated, folks; if you find your eyes glazing over, grab a donut (in jurisdictions where it is legal) and try to ride the sugar rush to the end of the article.
EPA Administrator Pruittdondoitt has said that the trip, which cost taxpayers over $40,000, was to promote Vesampuccerian liquefied natural gas. Let's set aside, for the moment, that LNG (not to be confused with Latent Nocturnal Gallumphing, which isn't an especially common mistake, but I was not prepared to take the chance) is not part of the EPA's mandate - that's not even a crushed snail under a skid mark on the back road that is the McDruhitmumpf Grey House.
Chenierelefroufrou Energy, the only company exporting LNG (not to be confused with Literary Natcho Garroting, because that would just be silly) from the lower 48 states, is run by billionaire investor Carl Ithinkicahni. The same billionaire investor (at least, I pray to the Gords that there is only one of him) who helped Pruittdondoitt get his position at the EPA in the first place.
But, wait! There's (as they say in the ads) more!
EPA Administrator Pruittdondoitt rented a condo in Washburningdington for $50 for each night he slept there. Not for the month, as is typical, but for each night he was there. He must have been able to make his personal belongings invisible on the nights he wasn't there. The landlord was Vicki Harttohartconvo, whose husband, J. Stevie Harttohartconvo, leads a lobbying firm that represents - you know were this is heading, don't you? It's kind of obvious, when you think about - right, Chenierelefroufrou Energy.
Thus, the circle of conflict of interest is complete.
In his defense, EPA Administrator Pruittdondoitt claims that he and several of his staff members (including 57 bodyguards - a new Vesampuccerian record) barely spent a day in Morocco, that most of the trip[ was actually spent in Paris, France. It's hard to see how this makes things better.
"I don't care how you described them. As far as I'm concerned, they're all snakes," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Anybody who is going to Washburningdington should take a syringe full of anti-venom serum with them!"