What the Heck Do You Know? Wouldn't Binge Watch That If it Were You
1) What does "get swole" mean?
a) it's a term of derision that suggests that the subject eat so much they are just about to burst, but not enough to actually pull a Mister Creosote
b) it's a term of endearment not unlike "punky Pumpkin" or "Adelaide Street Bombers," winsome in its ambiguity
c) it has something to do with seafaring, but nobody really knows what
2) What is a "bug-out bag?"
a) what you use to take home leftovers from your favourite insect restaurant
b) tiny plastic bags you can leave around the house hoping that immature insects will pull them over their heads and suffocate
c) a paper bag you should breath into when you are so scared that your eyes bug out
3) What have the editors of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary been smoking?
a) I don't know, but I'll have what they're having
b) I do know, but my lawyers have advised me not to say
c) I don't care: the electric company has cut off my power, and wildfires are a terrible source of light to read by
4) The Retail Council of Canada says that as many as 9,000 jobs could be created in Ontario if beer and wine are sold in corner stores. What might some of those jobs be?
a) street cleaner
b) defence lawyer
c) alcohol rehab councillor
d) all of the above
5) According to Bloomberg News, "Nigel Farage is back, doing what he does best: terrifying Conservative members of Parliament." While it would be nice to think that somebody is having this effect on British Tories, this is a bit misleading. How should this sentence have actually read?
a) Nigel Farage is back, doing what he does best: making Theresa May look like a brilliant strategic thinker.
b) Nigel Farage is back, doing what he does best: lying to the British people about how the country will once again rule the world if only they can get those pesky Eurocrats to mind their own damn business!
c) Nigel Farage is back, doing what he does best: unfortunately, nobody has a clue what that is.
6) Woodstock 50 has officially been cancelled. The official reason is - who cares about that noise? What is the unofficial reason?
a) somebody miscounted the number of Baby Boomers who would be let out of their homes to attend
b) somebody miscounted the number of Millennials who are disenchanted with the music their generation is producing and prefer the music of their grandparents
c) everybody who might have been interested already has the DVD
7) Ontario Premier Doug Ford's government has suggested corporate branding for GO stations. What could possibly go wrong?
a) Durex South Station
b) Viagra Station
c) Mistress Meow of the Golden Whip's Emporium Station
8) Cosmologists playing around with the Hubble Constant (they really need to get out more!) believe that the universe could be as much as two billion years younger than previously thought. What would be the best greeting card message for the occasion?
a) Sorry for your loss
b) I hear there's a new addition to the family
c) umm, maybe a greeting card wouldn't be the best way to comment on the discovery. Just sayin'...
9) What is the definition of Zweckpessimismus?
a) not having high hopes for people named Zweck
b) being in a pissy mood whenever you are within five feet of somebody named Zweck
c) intentionally expecting the worst so you can feel good when it doesn't happen (as, for example, when you are worried that you are about to die, but you only lose an arm, a leg and half your spleen - phew!)
10) A former Juul Labs executive has alleged that the vaping company knowingly shipped one million tainted nicotine pods to customers. What is the company's best defence against the allegation?
a) whistleblowers cannot be trusted (we heard this from a very important person, so it must be true)
b) you know how people are complaining about young people becoming addicted to vaping? Well, if they get one of the contaminated pods, that won't be a problem for very long!
c) it's Obama's fault
11) According to national security representatives, Kurdish spies were key to finding Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of the Islamic State group, whom the United States subsequently killed. Given that the US has removed its troops from Syria, allowing Turkey to go in and massacre Kurds and drive them off their land, how awkward is this?
a) mustard stain on the tuxedo awkward
b) unknowingly insulting the wife of the host awkward
c) knowingly insulting the wife of the host awkward
12) Many people who live in New Delhi, as well as politicians up to Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, refuse to acknowledge the city's polluted air, even though air quality in parts of the city were as much as 20 times what the World Health Organization considers safe. Still, there were signs. There are always signs. What was the most obvious sign that there was something seriously wrong with the New Delhi air?
a) people could not see out of the windows...of their second floor apartments
b) three year-old children had the black lung of fifty-nine year-old mine workers
c) birds (other than chickens) were walking across streets
13) What is "cobotics?"
a) antiobiotics for cos
b) human beings training the machines that will replace them (without complaint, unless the machines are Jewish...)
c) the science of being Ty Cobb
14) Smugglers have used reciprocating saws to damage sections of Donald Trump's "Rolls-Royce" border wall enough to allow people and drugs to cross. How long will it take for the Trump administration to outlaw the use of reciprocating saws in border states?
a) long enough for the President to have what reciprocating saws are explained to him
b) long enough for the President to have which states are actually on the border explained to him
c) he's already ahead of you: reciprocating saws were banned the day after he took office. You just didn't hear about the ban because of the fake news media!
15) How far will President Trump go to keep the public from seeing his tax returns?
a) Uranus
b) Tau Ceti
c) to the ends of the universe - and beyond!
d) to lawsuits from Disney - and beyond!
16) Former Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson told Congress: "We knew, we knew it was a real issue. We knew it was a serious issue and we knew it was one that's going to be with us now, forever more, and it's not something that was just suddenly going to disappear off of our concern list because it is going to be with us certainly well beyond my lifetime." What issue was he referring to?
a) bubble gum on city sidewalks
b) kids these days!
c) 57 channels (and nothin' on)
d) other
17) According to Ontario Energy Minister Greg Rickford, Liberals are responsible for the fact that the stickers misrepresenting the federal carbon tax are peeling off gas pumps. What are his reasons for this?
a) the hot air the Liberals expended during the election weakened the glue that was holding the stickers on the gas pumps
b) the shrillness of the voices of Liberal candidates made the pumps vibrate at just the right frequency to shake the stickers off
c) he has to have reasons? Don't you know we live in a post-rational world? Nobody needs reasons for anything these days!
18) Who is to blame for the announcement that Encana Corporation will move its headquarters from Calgary to the United States?
a) Justin Trudeau
b) that enemy of the west, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
c) that dirty, low-down enemy of the west, ferking Prime Minister Justin Trudeau!
d) okay, sometimes we have reasons...
19) Did you let Jason Kenney write question 18?
a) n - no, whatever made you think that?
b) absolutely not! The integrity of the process by which we choose questions for What the Heck Do Do You Know? is absolutely sacred! Our readers would never trust us if we allowed people who were involved in a question to supply the answers, and the trust of our readers is vital to us!
c) okay, yeah, we did. But, in our defence, we were captivated by the season premier of His Dark Materials and didn't have the time to write it ourselves
20) Over 9,000 barrels of oil have spilled from the Keystone pipeline in North Dakota. How should TC Energy, which owns and operates the pipeline, deal with the problem?
a) supply people who live near the pipeline with iceberg lettuce, red and green peppers, cucumbers and tomatoes, and tell them to enjoy the salad
b) blame it on Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau because...reasons...
c) is it too late to hire Rex Tillerson as the company's spokesperson?
