Headlines Are Sorry For [INSERT DIGRESSION HERE]

I Hate To Throw Cold Water On The Virutes Of Your Editing, But...

"Debating the virutes of cold-water therapy" - Toronto Star

Film Nobody Asked For Comes To Channel Nobody Watches

"Mighty Ducks reboot coming to Disney+" - Toronto Sun

Premier Is Banned From All Media Appearances

"Province introduces new anti-bullying measures" - Toronto Star

Poor People Will Be Able To Afford To Eat As Well As Pay Their Rent?

"The perils of attacking income disparity through redistributive policies" - Globe and Mail

How Can You Dangle Anything From A Sidewalk?

"Sidewalk dangles a startup fund if Quayside a go" - Toronto Star

They'll Be Sure To Kill Them When They Get There

"Washington, Beijing closing in on parts of a trade deal, U.S. says" - Globe and Mail

There Aren't Pills For That...But There Should Be

"Campaign did little to ease business anxiety" - Toronto Star

 "Trudeau's win stokes anxiety in Alberta oil patch" - Globe and Mail

The US Will Never Accept That

"To make corrupt leaders pay, we should seize and repurpose frozen assets" - Globe and Mail

It Was To The End Of The Driveway, But Small Steps, Right?

"I went for a walk. And I didn't hate it" - Toronto Star

How Do You Expect Me To Trust A Restaurant That Can't Even Afford To Buy A Vowel?

"Well travelled
Halifax's Rchmnd mixes international flair with local familiarity" - Globe and Mail

He Doesn't Trust His Natural Ability, So He Uses An App On His Phone

"Johnson turns on charm in Brexit push" - Toronto Star

In Fact, If They Could Overlook The Year Completely, That Would Be Great

"Analysts expect investors to look beyond the U.S. stock market in 2020" - Globe and Mail

 Just In Indonesia?
I've Known About It Wherever I Have Had Tofu

"Toxic Side of Tofu in Indonesia" - New York Times

Right-wing Economists Who Demanded It And Now Renounce It Belong There, Too

"A carbon tax isn't the only tool in the box" - Globe and Mail

Hop A Long Cassidy Derides Again!

"For Pattinson, it had to work, eventually
He's come along way from 'Twilight,' and the trip has been 'an all-consuming terror'" - Toronto Star

What A Difference An Editorial Board Makes

"Liberals choose to go to the left rather than bridge divide with the Prairies" - Globe and Mail

 "Liberals 'open to new ideas'
PM appeals for unity in throne speech as Parliament returns after divisive election" - Toronto Star

It's Just A Happy Coincidence That It Usually Works Out That Way

"A healthy meal doesn't have to be bland" - Toronto Star

Presidential Tweet Blows It To Hell

"U.S. makes pledge to Mexico on USMCA labour issues" - Globe and Mail

There's Always Ford

"Watch out, Trudeau
When Scheer-bashing becomes boring, it's time to aim elsewhere" - Toronto Sun

Has To Kill A Boss And Level Up First

"Agency aims to 'unlock funding'" - Toronto Star

Living The Dream!

"Catalyst bid makes Baker group look dubious
HBC executive chairman and his allies are plotting to grab 100% of the company with nary a penny of their own money" - Globe and Mail

Nothing Less Than A Million Dollar Donation To The Conservative Party Will Suffice

"Ontario's London, N.Y.C. envoys must be 'qualified'" - Toronto Star

Imagine What Their Fate Would Have Been If Beer Had Been Talking

"Champagne says two Canadians detained in China could be compensated" - Globe and Mail

Loving Meat Definitely In Your Jeans, Observation Shows

"Hating vegetables could be in your genes, study shows" - Toronto Star

 That Seems Fair
The Middle Class Is Not A Class At All

"'Middle class tax cut' is not a tax cut at all" - Globe and Mail

Headlines Optimistic Despite Doom And Gloom

"BoC expected to hold rates steady despite strong economic data" - Globe and Mail

 "Shopify surpasses BCE market cap as shares continue to surge
Software company's value climbs to $56.2-billion despite lack of profitability, as market share and revenue expand" - Globe and Mail

 "Oil prices drop as Trump fans fears of extended trade war, but more upside seen ahead for TSX energy stocks" - Globe and Mail

 "Despite attack on Saudi oil facilities, global markets are unconcerned" - Globe and Mail

 "Happy cannaversary! Looking back at year one of legalized pot
Despite lingering safety concerns and bumpy rollout for industry, experts point to early successes" - Toronto Star

 "Boeing still predicting U.S. approval of 737 Max in 2019
Shares of plane maker rise, even as it reports a 53-per-cent drop in quarterly profit" - Globe and Mail

 "Liberals fire up anti-oil rhetoric despite risk to national unity" - Globe and Mail

 "Despite falling demand for potash, Nutrien is still worth the investment" - Globe and Mail

 1. Get Used To Being Screwed
2. To 10. Repeat Step One

"Hard money truths for teens, young adults
These 10 tips will help high-school graduates deal with costly housing and a rough job market" - Globe and Mail

Not That We Want To To Put Too Fine A Point On It

"'People are starting realize it's going down for good" - Toronto Star

Worried They'll Win Primaries Against Republican Congresspeople

"U.S. fears feral pig invasion from Canada" - Globe and Mail

But Since The Supreme Court Ruled Politicians Don't Have To Tell The Truth, They're Good

"Fiscal update shows Liberals can't deliver on all promises" - Toronto Star

What Was The Ad That Featured The Tag Line, "Please Don't Squeeze The Margin?"

"Dollarama maintains prices despite margin squeeze" - Globe and Mail