Headlines Got Lost in a Book

You Can Have It Fast Or Right -
No, Wait, YOU Can't Have Either

"CRA wait times up, accuracy down
Independent business group says while more calls get through, information is often wrong" - Toronto Star

You Had Me At Deep-sea Magma Monster!

"Deep-Sea Magma Monster Has a Body Scan" - New York Times

The Prejudicial Detestation Is Just a Bonus

"Criticizing Islam isn't hate" - Toronto Sun

Expect Baguette Prices To Skyrocket

"Pension riots in France are a warning to the world" - Toronto Star

 So, We'll Only Have A Middle East War With Some Spillover Into Europe And Asia?
Phew! We Really Dodged A Bullet There!

"Iran is too weak to start a world war" - Globe and Mail

If It Comes Between Your Late Morning Nap And Your Mid-afternoon Nap, See A Doctor...Or A Veterinarian - You Could Be A Cat And Not Even Realize It

"There's no shame in taking a midday nap" - Toronto Star

 Tell Me This Is An Article About Bowling
Please Tell Me That

"That takes balls" - Toronto Sun

Film Acting, Especially If You're A Woman

"In praise of career politicians
In what industry other than politics are people so allergic to the idea that past experience is a qualification for a vital, difficult job?" - Globe and Mail

He's Learned From His Mistakes...As, Apparently, His Investors Have Not

"Pier 1 hires CEO whose past plans failed" - Toronto Star

 And His Congressional Allies...
And Members Of His Cabinet...
And Often Himself...

"Trump leaves U.S. Allies Guessing" - New York Times

So, Only The Stupid People Will Buy Expensive Houses?

"New taxes will drive out talent, Sotheby's CEO says
Some councillors have proposed a 3% levy on Toronto homes selling for $3M or more" - Toronto Star

Not When I Could Get Getting On With My Life

"Ann Kaplan:
'I'm not going to be let being on reality TV define me'" - Globe and Mail

...While People Are Watching

"New Boeing chief vows to rebuild trust
Calhoun promises more transparency, healthier corporate culture" - Toronto Star

I Love Questions That Answer Themselves...Except When I Don't...

"Can Europe Trust America?" - New York Times

 "The U.S. Doesn't Need France's Economy" - New York Times

That's A Kind Of Equality...IIIIIIIII...Guess...?

"Silicone and Botox in Silicon Valley
Male tech workers are getting plastic surgery in a youth-oriented industry" - Toronto Star

As Always, Consumers Are On Their Own

"The factors behind ownership concentration
Stronger checks and balances are needed for the protection of minority shareholders" - Globe and Mail

Number Seven Will Disgust You!

"The dirtiest things you will touch" - Toronto Star

 While We're At It, Let's Let Convicted Murderers Determine Their Own Sentences
In The Interest Of A Less Partisan Approach To Justice, I Mean

"In search of a less partisan approach: Let's use agreed-upon Conservative climate targets" - Globe and Mail

But They're So Adorable You Just Want To Pinch Their Cheeks!

"Canadian media's reaction to royal couple overblown" - Toronto Star

To Prove He Was Human?

"DNA test 'must be done' in Epstein death" - Toronto Sun

 Nothing Is As It Seems
Except For This Headline...

"Economists see reason for optimism in 2020
Despite global uncertainty, Canada is poised for gains in oil sector, equities, housing" - Toronto Star

 "As U.S. prosperity soars, expert suggests it's time to put your money elsewhere" - Globe and Mail

 "After a banner year for U.S. stocks, strategy eyes downside protection" - Globe and Mail

 "Oil-price rise muted in 2019 despite cuts, attack" - Globe and Mail

 "S&P/TSX index ends 2019 with whimper after a year of bangs
Weakness in market temporary, and likely due to low trading volumes, strategist says" - Toronto Star

 "Constellation hikes full-year profit forecast despite writedown on Canopy investment" - Globe and Mail

It's Only The Middle Of The Movie, But They Are Concerned About How It Ends

"Hong Kong Residents Are Eying The Exits" - New York Times

Still, Human Beings Persist

"Invasive species remain a concern" - Toronto Star

Which Shows You How Serious They Are About...Everything, Really

"Policy over populism: It's time for the Tories to get serious about business" - Globe and Mail

 "Tories postpone policy convention" - Toronto Star

Proving That Humanity Has Lost Its Rudder

"Man needs friendship - and a dose of Paul Rudd" - Toronto Sun

What A Colourful Way Of Describing President Trump's Relationship With Fox News

"First the eruption, then the lava stream" - Toronto Star

The Fact That It Won't Is...Worrisome...

"The World Can Solve Climate Change" - New York Times

Although They Could Win Awards For How Well They Act Like It

"The Oscars will never be perfect" - Toronto Star

They're Much Less Of A Drain On Social Services Now...

"Closing homeless camp justified" - Toronto Sun

 "Homeless memorial surpasses 1,000 names
Tuesday service honours record number of deaths on city streets" - Toronto Star

 Patriarchal Sexism
Hunh - THAT'S Gonna Be A Short Article

"Men still make more than women. Here's why" - Toronto Star

It's A Torture Method Created By The Spanish Inquisition

"Ski secrets revealed" - Globe and Mail

 I Tried That With My Credit Card Once
I was Thankful I Only Got Probation

"'Balanced' city budget $77M short" - Toronto Star