What the Heck Do You Know? Took Its Eye Off the Ball At a Critical Moment
1) The Ontario government has named a former chief lobbyist for Toronto's real estate industry to the province's land-use tribunal while choosing not to renew the terms of four adjudicators with environmental backgrounds. What do they call this?
a) "Saul."
b) "Late for dinner."
c) "Balance."
2) What are the likely consequences of this action?
a) birdwatchers won't have to go outside the city to seek their prey - the city will come to them
b) you know that condo you bought because you were certain it would always offer a view of Lake Ontario? Hope you like the view into the bedrooms of the new condo across the street that's thirty feet closer to the lake and ten stories taller than yours
c) given enough time, the Greater Toronto Area will include parts of Buffalo and North Bay
3) How do you shuck an oyster?
a) heap lavish praise on it - or, is that how you aww, shucks an oyster?
b) heap lavish praise on its role in McMillan and Wife - or, is that how you John Shuck an oyster?
c) shrug really hard and hope gravity gets the message
4) Match he imaginary word that somehow made it into a dictionary with its definition:
a) kime
b) foupe
c) morse
i) the part of your inner cheek that you bite, which makes it swell up, which makes you bite it more in a cycle that may take several weeks and the application of an antibiotic to stop
ii) the sound a playing card inserted into the spokes of a bicycle makes
iii) a toupee for women
5) How do progressive (read: Democratic) candidates for public office propose to pay for new or expanded social programmes?
a) soak the rich
b) expose the rich to a mild spray of water
c) wave a wet hanky in the direction of the rich, then raise taxes on the middle class
6) How do conservative (read: Republican) candidates for public office propose to pay for tax cuts?
a) we have to pay for tax cuts? Pfft - don't be silly! Everybody knows that tax cuts pay for themselves!
b) strong-arm the Democrats to cut programme funding the next time they are in power
c) accountability is for the little people
7) A video about the training of cadets for the RCMP has received complaints that it does not depict modern policing techniques. What is the most regressive aspect of the video?
a) the walrus moustaches all of the recruits wear
b) the Han Zimmer score
c) the segment which shows how to plant baggies of marijuana on suspects
8) When shaking hands can expose you to a potentially deadly virus, how should you best greet somebody?
a) with a wink and a smile
b) with an elbow bump
c) with a kick in the shins
d) with a thumb to the nose and the waggling of the other fingers - no, wait, that's how you should greet your government when it tells you when you can and cannot greet other people
9) What is "caremongering?"
a) scaremongering without the sibilance
b) airmongering without the fingers of both hands making quotation marks in space and the strong scent of pine
c) the demand that people in elder care facilities not be mongered
10) Dare I meet an ex-lover who cheated?
a) if they cheated at tiddlywinks, yes; if they cheated at love, no; if they cheated the tax department, your call
b) yes, if only it helps to clarify in your mind what they cheated at
c) why would you want to meet an ex-lover at all? Don't you want to meet new people that, in time, you can turn into ex-lovers?
11) What is the "virosphere?"
a) a place for virgins to hang out
b) a place for viral videos to hang out
c) David Cronenberg's wet dream
12) What lies Beyond Meat?
a) Alpha Centauri
b) soup bowl origami
c) a conspiracy so vast and hard to believe that even Mulder and Scully would need more than 10 seasons to uncover all of its noodley appendages
13) How are you managing to stay sane while self-quarantining during the coronavirus pandemic?
a) I periodically set my nose on fire to see how quickly I can put it out; I've done it so many times, now, I can barely smell the burning flesh
b) I roam the hallways of my condo trying to smell burning flesh; some day, I hope to rescue somebody who is setting their nose on fire to see how quickly they can put it out
c) I run the Frenetic Fire Fetishists website: we try to match people who set their noses on fire to see how quickly they can put it out with people who hope to rescue people who set their nose on fire to see how quickly they can put it out
14) Which of the following phrases being bandied about during the COVID-19 pandemic is the most annoying?
a) we have entered "a new normal"
b) "We're all in this together."
c) "Keep calm and distance on."
15) If you want to effect meaningful change, you have to remember the 3.5 per cent rule. What is the 3.5 per cent rule?
a) only 3.5 per cent of the population is sane at any given time, so the best you can hope for is to find a life partner with compatible madness
b) odds are 5 to 1 that 3.5 per cent of 25 or 6 to 4 will get you to the end of the work day
c) only 3.5 per cent of rules actually work
16) According to President Trump, who is responsible for the COVID-19 epidemic in the United States?
a) the World Health Organization
b) Democrats
c) Governors
d) "Democrat" Governors
e) China
f) the lamestream media which refuses to give him credit for the great job he has been doing
g) Obama
h) the impeachment trial, which made it impossible for him to concentrate on the virus
i) Nancy Pelosi
j) not me, absolutely not me, you can't pin this one on me, no way, nohow
k) immigrants
l) all of the above
17) What is the difference between the coronavirus and COVID-19?
a) COVID-19 is an example of a coronavirus
b) coronavirus is an example of a COVID-19
c) does it really matter? Either one is the name of something that will subject you to a long, lingering, painful death! You don't want either of them! Honestly! STAY SAFE!
18) In the crush of pandemic news, does anybody remember Harvey Weinstein?
a) Harvey who?
b) isn't that the name of an alcoholic beverage? You know, with vodka and...stuff?
c) I had completely forgotten him...until you brought up his name. Thanks for that. Now, I'm going to have to watch six straight hours of cable news coverage of the pandemic to try and wash my brain of all memory of him...
19) What is a "bro-celet?"
a) a small wild cat native to the southwestern United States, Mexico, and Central and South America, characterized by solid black spots and streaks on its coat, round ears, and white neck and undersides
b) the equivalent of Sir Lancelot in the court of King Donald the Firstest
c) what you get when modern toxic male culture becomes thoroughly commodified...they do look really cute on the right wrist, though...
20) Don't you feel bad making fun during an international health crisis?
a) we're all whistling past the graveyard - some of us are just more enthusiastic about it than others
b) what I do in the privacy of my own home is my own responsibility...even if I post it to the internet where anybody in the world with a modem can see it. Fun can be...complicated that way...
c) haven't you heard that laughter is the best medicine? Okay, the fact I'm a Doctor of Philosophy may have something to do with that answer, but take two puns and call me in the morning - I guarantee you'll feel better
