The Daily Me - Huronia N. Flossie

Thank you, Huronia N. Flossie, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we got sick of all of the journalistic focus on the coro - the virus that shall not be named. Sick! Sick! Sick! Sick! Sick, we tell you! So, we decided to only report on positive things from now on. Like...the great things that are happening to the environ - okay, bad choice. But...race relations in the United States have never been bett - bet - better not go there. Umm...gun violence is down. Because people aren't congregating in numbers large enough to make worthwhile targets, which means they will probably resume as soon as the quarantine is lifted. But...umm...we mean...

Damn this world, anyway. Damn it to hell.

He's Not A Medical Doctor, He Just Plays One On TV And, Not Even That Convincingly

Somebody should tell Dr. Phil (McGraw) that the 1980s called and they would like their moustache back. Is that petty? Well, pettiness never killed anybody. Unlike this clinical psychologist, whose rash words about medical matters could contribute to a lot of deaths.

Dr. Phil is wrong, but only on the facts. A mere 3,709 Americans died from accidental drowning or submersion in 2017, not all of them in swimming pools. That is now roughly one twentieth of the number of Americans that have died from the coronavirus, or, twenty times the number of people who died of COVID-19 in Dr. Phil Math.

But, even if his numbers were right, he would still be wrong. You can't catch swimming pools if somebody sneezes on you. Infected people don't get on planes and carry their swimming pools around the planet, causing others to drown wherever they go. People in close quarters, such as meat packing plants and prisons, are not coming down with and dying from swimming pools.

I can't believe I have to say this. Unfortunately, in the basket of deplorables, the obvious rarely is.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Circular Thinking Will Keep You Up All Night: Exhibit A

MONDAY: Is it just me, or do other people find it weird to be watching a show on TV that has a crowd scene? It's weird, now, right? A crowd scene?

TUESDAY: I read a newspaper article today that said that four in five Canadians feel uncomfortable sitting next to the one in five Canadians who feel uncomfortable sitting next to people from Asia. I'm not sure I follow the math of that...

WEDNESDAY: If butterflies are free, how come I have to pay to get into a butterfly sanctuary?

THURSDAY: Elton John had butterflies' number. Fly away, you fickle bastards! High away.

FRIDAY: Oh, great! Now, I want a butterfly tattoo! Stupid coronavirus!

SATURDAY: Mmm...god did something right when she created orange marmalade!

SUNDAY: So, I went to bed last night with every intention of falling asleep. I know that may sound obvious, but my body says you should throw out your expectations of obviousness in these crazy times. With my eyes clenched closed, I started thinking about the birds and the bees. Not in that way, perv! I mean in the if we're polluting less, their populations might make a comeback. Then, I thought about Jaime Jumpstart, who got a bee sting on his butt, which ballooned to the size of a small barge scow. No playground swings for Jaime! Naturally, this led to thoughts of chemistry homework. Why do we still call it homework when we do all of our learning from home, now? Anyway, before I knew what was going on, two conspicuously sleepless hours had passed.

Figuring it just wasn't happening, I got up and went to watch another couple of episodes of Sense 8. So many crowd scenes! Is it just me, or do other people find them weird?

SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page

[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Michael Scott Is Kicking Himself For Not Having Thought Of It First

There has been some confusion about the latest staff pool here at Wawaneesa, which some people (not all in management, even if most of them were) believe was insensitive and in poor taste.

Yes, the pool was to choose the date when the United States would go over the one million mark of people who have been diagnosed with COVID-19. But, no, it was in no way intended to minimize the suffering that people who have this horrible sickness feel. Like all of the pools we establish, it was meant to be a light-hearted way to alleviate the incipient tedium of being a small cog in a vast corporate machine, and a way of raising funds for a worthy cause (in this case, the Magnum, PI Addicts Support Group). On behalf of the management and owners of the Wawaneesa Group, I offer the sincerest apologies to anybody who may have been offended by the pool, and would like to assure you that we will be more sensitive about such matters in the future.

Okay. Glad we were able to clear the air on that. Congratulations to Blanchard Underhildred in Accounting; her entry of May 2 was the closest to the actual date. Blanchard, please pick up your gift basket from Julie at the front desk.

And, as they say, when one door closes, another pool opens. The question this time: when will the United States death toll from COVID-19 reach 100,000?

SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter

[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/May2020.txt]
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[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1096532744]
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Only A Fool Would Cast Their Lot With Such A Loser

When the ratings start to slide, what do you do? Change the writer? Are you nuts? The writer is perfect. Believe me, the writer is the most perfect writer in the history of television. No, you change the cast. Gone are all of the medical professionals who have a tendency to step all over the lines of the star. In their place is a chorus of fresh faces - well, they're mostly tired old business executives with haggard and haunted faces, but they're fresh to the show - who are all too willing to follow the President's increasingly incoherent script.

But, will it be enough to get the show renewed in November?

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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