The Daily Me - Ima Votter

Thank you, Ima Votter, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, meh. We mean: seriously meh. No, not seriously meh: that would imply passion that we're not really feeling. Whatevs. Don't have a coward, Noel. Don't sweat the small stuff. Because, baby, it's all small stuff. If you're not filled with a sense of ennui (a differently tasting kind of French pastry), you just haven't been paying attention. Well, we've been paying attention. We've been paying the hell out of attention, actually. In a subdued kind of way. And, who cares? We certainly don't. We tried. We really tried to cares. But, our who cares got trampled underfoot by our what, me worry? You can't argue with what, me worry? We know. We tried. And, failed. We might be more concerned about our failure, but, honestly, who cares?

COVID-19 isolation getting us down? Naah! It's just a bad case of the Mondays.

There's Plenty Of Mud In DeJoyville

This Week in Demagoguery

Postmaster-General Louis DeJoy testified to the Senate that he had "no idea" that mailboxes and sorting machines were being removed from cities across America. "When I was the head of my own very successful business, I was never informed about major changes in physical plant. Why start asking now? You don't get where I've been by being curious!"

Nonetheless, he insisted that these cost-cutting measures would have no effect on the USPS' service. "Trying to undermine the integrity of the 2020 election by making it harder for mail-in ballots to be counted? Please! Let's not get carried away!"

After a moment, he softened and added: "Umm, given the circumstances, that may not have been the best choice of words..."

SOURCE: Disassociated Press

[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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"You Might Say That. I Couldn't Possibly...Why Am I Suddenly Tasting Bitter Almonds?"

Prominent Duchy of Grand Fenwick opposition leader Alexei Navalnominy was near death after being poisoned on Thursday. It is widely believed that the attempt on Navalnominy's life was a way of Fenwickian Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy ridding himself of an effect opponent.

When asked about the attempted murder, Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf shook his head and said, "Really? Are you not paying attention? I didn't bat an eyelash when it was reported that President Mountkilamanjoy offered a bounty on the heads of Vesampuccerian soldiers in Afghanistan. You really think I'm going to waste my breath commenting on him trying to kill one of his own?"

After a couple of seconds of stunned silence, the President continued: "Comatose Joe is going to ruin the suburbs for housewives by letting criminal refugees move into the house next door. Don't think because the parents have PhDs and work at a university that they won't drive property values down, people! Drive them all the way to China!"

As the questions turned to his racist dog whistling (and, sometimes, dog bellowing), President McDruhitmumpf smiled to himself and said under his breath, "Sometimes, you people make it too easy..."

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service

[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322622214541222227fx]
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Surprising Outcome Considering How The Police Hate Criminals Getting Off On Technicallys

THE PEOPLE OF TORONTO: Police tactics during the G-20 summit were blatantly illegal! We want justice!

TORONTO POLICE: Alright! You win. We were wrong. And, to show you that there are no hard feelings, we will pay $16.5 million to the people who were affected by our - not blatantly - we prefer the term potentially interpretable illegal actions.

THE PEOPLE OF TORONTO: Hurray!

TORONTO POLICE: Of course, it will come out of the city's budget, so you'll technically being paying the settlement to yourselves. Technically.

THE PEOPLE OF TORONTO: Hurra - what?

SOURCE: NOW and THEN

[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=387047]
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"I, Myself, Live In A Fully Furnished, Four Bedroom, Three Bathroom Cage, And I Couldn't Feel More Secure!"

Ottawa is appealing a court ruling that struck down the Safe Third Country agreement between Canada and the United States. According to the agreement, Canada can turn back potential refugees who arrive at land ports along the border on the basis they must pursue their claims in the country where they first arrived.

"We see no reason to go back upon the agreement," stated Public Safety Minister Bill Blair. When it was pointed out to him that refugees to the United States were often kept in cages, the Minister responded, "Exactly! What could be safer?"

SOURCE: Canadian Depress

[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Oh, Yeah, Granpa Sure Sounds Like He's Comin' Fer Yer Guns And Wimmins

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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If You Care, You Haven't Been Paying Attention (Still Monday)

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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